A Couple's Guide to Watching Porn
Benefits of watching explicit films with your lover
Enhances sexual communication
When you see it you can talk about it. You can let each other know preferences or boundaries with ease as they come up in the film.
Spices up your sexual repertoire
Seeing other people being creative in bed can give any slow sex life a boost of ideas.
When you need that extra push the right adult film can do the trick in a few minutes, whereas foreplay alone may take hours.
Takes away the feeling that you (or your partner) are a freak
Seeing other people do things can normalize sex for you and your partner. If she sees a fellow woman enjoying analingus, for example, she may not feel badly about wanting to explore it.
A good enough reason all by its self.
Tips to find the right porn for you and your lover
Find the directors you like and stick with them
Often an adult box-cover and title are designed to sell the film when it may have very little to do with what is happening in the film itself. Directors generally stick to what they are good at and will have similar plots, tones, themes, and acts performed from one film to another.
Think of what sexual acts you fantasize about and browse those categories. This is a great opportunity for discovering what is in the darkest recesses of his/her fantasies.
Look for Award Winners, Women-Made and Classics film categories
If you are having difficulty finding the director or categories that work for the two of you, these categories are a safe starting point.
Shop in a comfy and safe environment
Your female partner is as likely to feel comfortable flipping through video covers of big-breasted blond women with heavy-breathing men hanging over her shoulder, than you would be buying tampons at a dress-only tea party. Either find a “couples friendly” video store or, better yet, do it online. Online is getting easier and easier. You can even download movies, stream them, rent them or buy them all in the privacy of your own home.
Use a Decision Maker
A decision maker is a program that asks you to answer a few questions regarding your sexual likes and dislikes and produces suggestions based on those answers.
Adult Video News (AVN) rates and reviews adult films based on production values, cinematography, screenwriting, acting etc. NOTE: these reviews and awards are conducted by the adult industry, which is strongly influenced by traditional male stereotypes, and they do NOT take the female viewer into consideration. Take them with a grain of salt.
Pick something out together
Get something that you are both interested in. This is a great environment to talk openly about your interests and find out what her turn-ons are. Have fun with it.
Find time and space when you know you will not be disturbed
The last thing you want is to be thinking about the kids bursting in at any minute while you are watching some hot in-out action.
Do make fun of porn
It’s an ideal icebreaker to mutually laugh at the stupid music or the awkward positions.
But don’t make fun of porn TOO much
You may be inadvertently criticizing what really turns her on. Or you may “ruin” the mood.
Start off with something mild
“Couples” videos or classic porn is a great place to start. 70’s music and hairy, natural people are less threatening, somehow.
Fast forwarding is your friend
If something doesn’t work for either of you, fast forward. Note: Before you leap for the button make sure you KNOW for certain it is not a secret turn on for your partner. Talk about it. Joke about it. Porn is an excellent way to open up communication about what technique he/she likes or doesn’t like. And, it’s a way to tell them gently what you would like more or less of.
Pay attention to cues
Is she is looking on in horror as her body turns rigid, or is she sidling up to you while she squirms in her seat? That is an important distinction. Observe…and you will be rewarded.
Learn from porn, but don’t take it at face value
Myths and inaccuracies are so prevalent in adult film that it is almost laughable. Just because a male porn star can make a female porn star orgasm by sticking his penis down her throat does not mean ANY other woman will come that way. Check your facts. Uhhh…her clitoris is not in the back of her throat.
Be mindful of stereotypes that may bother your partner
Porn is rife with stereotypes about gender and sexuality that may be off-putting. Breast size, body fat, hairlessness, size of genitals have all been altered on female porn stars to fit some unrealistic image of a sexual woman.
Seeing all of these so-called “perfect” women can make the most secure of woman aware of her own imperfections. Not a turn on! Even if you don’t see that blemish on her chin or extra bulge on her tummy (hey, maybe it even turns you on), she does. The same goes for men and concerns over penis size. Although you can’t alter society or educate the adult industry on your own, you can let her know that YOU do not fall for it. Other solutions are to avoid criticizing her, focus instead on her positive bits and simply be mindful of what she is up against.
Just because she is getting turned on during the guy/guy scenes, does not mean you have to get turned on by them as well. Turn your attention to her during the scenes that don’t necessarily work for you. Let her aroused state be your porn.
Dr. Kat is a Clinical Sexologist Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing in the field of counseling since 1994. In addition to her training in Marriage, Family and Addictions, she has extensive sexuality training. Find out more at: Dr.Kat.com