Erectile Dysfunction: Too Much Control

In addition to performance anxiety, we find that those who suffer from Erectile Dysfunction also have anxiety that comes from a fear of and a pulling back from their own natural impulses towards sexual interaction and escalation.

Many men who suffer from ED suffer from an impulse control problem--not too little control--but TOO MUCH.

While sexual desire is one of the most natural functions on the planet, what many men learn is that sexual desire is wrong, bad, and harmful to women. Unfortunately, these kinds of messages about sex, and especially the message that women don't actually want sex, leave the 'good guys' of the world, who want to please and don’t want to harm women, in a state of frozen impulses.

There is little that is more anxiety-provoking than stopping your natural desires over and over and over again, especially in the face of a competing internal pressure to perform and please. In our work with men, we help them to unfreeze these impulses, and practice following their body's own desires in a way that is also very pleasurable for their partners and connected with their partner's bodies and desires.

As the impulses begin to free up and men stop hesitating at every turn, their erections become more reliable and lasting. We hope, if you are dealing with ED that comes from too much impulse control, that you take some time to try fix Erectile Dysfunction the natural way first!

Step 1: Pay attention to your own sexual desires and impulses
Without any judgment as to what those desires are, notice the natural impulses that your body wants to follow in the face of those to whom you are attracted. Take some time to enjoy the aliveness in your body that comes from having those natural desires and impulses.

Step 2: Listen for the automatic messages
Notice what kinds of messages you say to yourself when you are having sexual impulses. Do you immediately question whether or not your partner wants your advances? Do you fear rejection or hurting someone by trying something new or different? Do you feel like you wait for permission for every escalation?

Step 3: Create conscious messages
Try out your own version of the following messages: "It is perfectly normal to have sexual desires." "If my partner has chosen to be in a sexual relationship with me, it is very likely that she wants to feel my desire coming towards here" (research has shown that being desired is the top of the list in terms of what turns women on). "Just because my partner doesn’t want something I want, or doesn’t want sex right now, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want me or never wants sex."

Step 4: Honor and follow your impulses
When you feel sexual desire or arousal, see if you can shorten the time between feeling the impulse and following it. Let your body do the thinking for you (yes, we are telling you to listen to your little brain–more on this in the next installment as well!), and seduce your partner instead of asking for permission.

Follow her cues and stay at the edge of her boundaries without backing off at every slight sign of rejection, she may just be checking in with herself to see if she is feeling aroused as well. If she really isn’t interested, let her tell you directly.

When you follow your body's natural impulses, your arousal will lead to its normal and natural outcome, a firm and lasting erection.

You will feel the flow of your own desire in concert with your partner's and share a circuit of pleasure that can build to the heights of intensity and satisfaction. Enjoy!

If you missed the previous Danielle and Celeste posts in this series on Erectile Dysfunction, you can find them here:

Post 1: Erectile Dysfunction: Three Physocological Causes

Post 2: Erectile Dysfunction That is Caused by Performance Anxiety

Alex Allman gives four sex tips on how to help with erectile dysfunction (ED) (via

About The Author

Celeste and danielle
Danielle & Celeste
Dr. Danielle Harel, Ph.D. and Celeste Hirschman, M.A.,, are Sex Coaches and Relationship Therapist who have created a revolutionary, new experiential method of therapy called the Somatica Method—they help couples, men and women live more passionate, connected and fulfilling lives. They are also the authors of Cockfidence: The Extraordinary Lovers Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild. Follow on Twitter and Facebook.
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