Five Reasons Men Lose Interest in Sex

Women are not the only ones who suffer a lack of desire in their relationships. Men also suffer from low sexual desire for a number of reasons.

Fears He Won't Be Able to Perform
One of the main reasons men experience low desire is a fear they won’t be able to perform. Usually men say something like, “I don’t want to initiate sex if I’m not going to be able to come through with the goods.”

Because he fear they won’t be able to get or maintain an erection or control their ejaculation, they start to distance themselves from their desire altogether.

It is difficult to tell which comes first: it may be men who have low desire have trouble getting an erection; or it may be that erectile difficulties cause men to shut down their sexual desire. The answer is likely a reciprocal relationship and that results in a negative downward spiral.

There are many ways  for him to come through "with the goods." More than just achieving a hard-on or a lasting session of intercourse, what many women want out of sex is to feel some kind of intensity and emotional connection. Once men accept that there are many ways emotionally and physically to come through without ever having intercourse at all, they can get back in touch with their desire.

He's Faced Rejection Once Too Often
If at first you don't success, and then you try, try again...eventually you might stop tring. A lack of confidence when approaching women or from the experience of being with a partner who has low sexual desire. If a man makes pass after pass after pass only to feel rejected over and over again, his desire will start to wane and can even shut down completely. Generally, at the same time he also builds feelings of frustration and negative self-image.

Here a few ways to help. First is for him to see if there may be some things he is doing that is increasing his likelihood of rejection. We help him learn how to seduce and erotically connect with his partners. Next, he needs to get back in touch with his desire as something inherent to him that no one can take away, and help him see the ways that his partner’s rejection might not be personal or about him at all. Finally, if his partner is willing to come in, we help them work through differences in desire, share openly about their sexual needs, and learn how to be great lovers to one another.

Lack of Attraction to His Partner
Some men never had or lose attraction to their partner over time; this can cause low desire for men in long-term monogamous relationships. The loss of attraction can be due to familiarity or changes in their partner’s looks or body.

Many times, men do not want to lose their long-term relationships because of the many wonderful aspects in the relationship. Many men confide they feel very stuck because by communicating this, it would be devastating to their partner.

For some men, this lack of attraction can shift by becoming more embodied and connected with desire that has less to do with visual stimulation and more to do with embodied arousal. Another option that some couples choose in this situation is to try non-monogamy, outsourcing the sexual part of the relationship in order to be able to enjoy a lasting and supportive long-term emotional bond.

Low Testosterone
Low testosterone can also lead to men having lower desire. While many men who have low testosterone immediately jump to taking testosterone replacement therapies--which can have some nasty side-effects-- there are actually ways to build your testosterone naturally. Ideas include getting more in touch with pleasure in your body, masturbation (sometimes without orgasm), and lowering shame.

Other Reasons
Other reasons include emotional shut-down, exhaustion, chronic pain and other desire-inhibiting medical conditions. What seems to help the most with chronic pain is learning to focus the attention on the pleasure as opposed to the pain.

There are many ways to work with emotional shut-down which allow him to be himself, to feel his body, his emotions, and his desire again.

As for exhaustion, learning how to care for self is a life-long process. Everything you do affects all areas of your life, so the more you eat right, rest, take breaks, exercise, nap, take vacations, breathe, etc., the more desirous and healthy you will be.

Dr. John Gray talks about the effects of low testosterone on men. (via

About The Author

Celeste and danielle
Danielle & Celeste
Dr. Danielle Harel, Ph.D. and Celeste Hirschman, M.A.,, are Sex Coaches and Relationship Therapist who have created a revolutionary, new experiential method of therapy called the Somatica Method—they help couples, men and women live more passionate, connected and fulfilling lives. They are also the authors of Cockfidence: The Extraordinary Lovers Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild. Follow on Twitter and Facebook.
comments powered by Disqus