How To Share Fantasies with Your Partner

Reid Mihalko and Cathy Vartuli  discuss whether fantasies okay, and if you don't have good fantasies, how can develop the skill at creating fantasies.

How To Share Fantasies With Your Partner

Some people find sharing fantasies with their partner embarrassing. Here are some great tools, tips and techniques so you can share that side of your sexuality with them.

Fantasies, role playing, dress-up, you choose the term you prefer. The majority of people fantasize in some manner or form and the "why" people fantasize is likely to make you feel even more comfortable exploring yours.

Quite simply they are using their brains and imaginations to kick-start, enhance and add variety to their intimate experiences while remaining committed and monogamous.

Think about it, in our day-to-day lives we have constant role shifts and daydreaming/ fantasizing occurs regularly. You are a wife, a mother, a daughter, and an accountant. All of these require you to assume different behaviors.

And chances are you daydream about something you'd like to physically have, that vacation trip, new car, house etc. So if you do it in daily public life why wouldn't it happen as naturally in our private intimate life?

Many people feel there must be something wrong or missing if they fantasize about something sexual that 1) they have done before, 2) involves someone other than their partner turning them on.

No it just means you have a memory of what works for you and there are ways to incorporate you preferences into your current relationship.

What are the differences between womens' versus mens' fantasies?
Often men fantasize about having amazing prowess, doing something the intensity of which that will drive her out of her mind with pleasure.

Women are more likely to fantasize about seduction and being so desirable their partner can't resist them. However as variable as our thoughts are so are our this is a fluid area so whatever works for you.

A woman approaching a man about her fantasies is often a very welcome event
Why? Because most men will NEVER ask their significant other wife, girlfriend for the fantasy that totally turns them on. It seems men have more permission to fantasize due to two cultural events, overall as a sex they have had more cultural 'okayness' to masturbate and prior to the last 10 years have had more consumption of porn material, both of which are enhanced by personalizing the experience with a fantasy.

Translation, men learn from the get go they have to use their minds to create more sensation and they learn how to do so almost immediately

How are they similar?
For both sexes the reason I've heard they will not ask their significant other/ marriage partner for their biggest turn on role play/ fantasy is the fear of insulting or upsetting their partner...or being rejected because their partner thinks they are weird.

The reason many people are hesitant to talk about fantasies is because of what the initial source often is, the cultured visual reaction to porn films and male dominated mass circulation magazines and as one man shared, "It is so sophomoric I don't want her to feel disrespected or uncomfortable."

And or they have done this with someone else and do not want to bring that experience into their current sex life. I will outline the main categories of experiences that fantasies typically fall into and then I have outlined what people in my seminars have shared are their best three strategies to broach a fantasy.

Be clear about the feeling you want to create
To create your custom made fantasies be aware of the feeling you want to evoke. Do you want to dominate them? Does you want them to 'instruct' you? E.g.) a woman fantasizes about receiving great oral sex from her man.

She can have this played out by being the naughty school girl who is taught a 'lesson' about her body by her teacher, generally referred to as a submission fantasy. She can imagine herself as a store window model for how it should be done (exhibitionism) or a third scenario might be as part of a sex club daisy chain, group sex fantasy.

Asking For What You Want In Bed
Sexually Adventurous Couples More Satisfied

Ask what feeling do you want to create?
Then just about any idea can be adjusted to fit your needs.

  • Being dominated/submissive--Master/ slave, school teacher/ student, judge/ prisoner.
  • Being watched or watching--voyeurism/ exhibitionism.
  • Being seduced or romanced
  • Being so sexually hot they can't stay away from you
  • Group sex, multiple partners

Whatever your personal choice may be the real heat of role-play/ fantasies are the emotional feelings you want to evoke. And you need not dress up although that often enhances the mood. Should explicit language be your choice any scenario can lend itself to its use.

Introduce one idea at a time
Once you are clear about what feeling you want to produce, choose one at most two ways to initially try things out. If you try to include every idea at once it will dilute the intensity of the fantasy.

Choosing your method of introduction
Start by letting your partner know there is something you'd love to try with 'THEM'. To heighten the idea you may consider starting this conversation in the morning or when you are not in the bedroom.

That gives your imagination more time to build up anticipation. Also name your source as that is likely going to be your partner's first question, "What brought this up?"

Steamy scene in a film You can tell him, "I loved the scene in Unfaithful when Diane Lane is first with the bookseller. I'd love to play that out." The stripping scene in True Lies, when Jamie Lee Curtis is doing her thing in front of Arnold. There is after all a reason we call certain films 'date night' films.

Cite some erotica Delta of Venus, Anais Nin "The woodsman scene at the costume party." A scene in a romance novel that turned your dial.

Describe something the two of you have done before then add the new idea in... "The last time you washed my hair I wanted to have you..."

What triggers them?
How do you spell social conditioning? Each culture has their own and in North America the social conditioning/ programming is often from, for women romance scenarios/ novels and for men the adult/ porn industry yet there is no one source. Rather than trigger I prefer the term 'initiator' because the thing that got it started may not be how it shows up now, there doesn't have to be a direct correlation.

Someone may have read a scene in a book as a teenager and that set the pattern for what is her or his biggest turn-on. A cool plastic sensation as a child may set an unconscious desire to repeat that shows up as a desire to wear cool latex. Yet often people do not make the connection they just know they like the feel.

Should you worry about them?
The only time one should worry about fantasies is when one is ONLY able to be intimate and sexually turned on by a fantasy and if the fantasy harms someone. That is the job of a therapist to deal with. There was a famous Jimmy Carter interview when asked if he'd ever been unfaithful and paraphrasing his response, "he'd been unfaithful many times in his head but never in person."

If you think of fantasizing as a way for you to assume new roles in private your fantasizing imagination can take you and your partner to and beyond new horizons of connecting.

About The Author

Lou paget
Lou Paget
Lou Paget is a certified AASECT* sex educator and grassroots researcher whose quest for accurate, practical information for herself has created a highly successful international seminar and product company with a focus on lifestyle and cultural trends that impact our sexuality, health, and relationships. Find out more about Lou. Follow on Twitter and Facebook
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