I once had an email from a guy who wrote, “If I hear one more women try to ram foreplay down my throat I am going to explode with anger. I give women oral sex, isn’t that enough?”
Ahem. Sometimes in my position it is so very difficult to be a diplomat. At first, I wanted to give this guy a down and dirty feminist lecture on women’s sexual needs. It then occurred to me he was probably just as frustrated as his not-getting-enough-foreplay partners.
Men get foreplay, but they really don’t “get” foreplay.
Most men understand while in the bedroom, the woman orgasms first and then it is his turn. Yet, 90% of all foreplay happens outside the bedroom.
Add to this, most women don’t know what they like or how they want to be coaxed into sexually responsive place. They hope their guy will know, they sit back and wait for the magic to happen and are terribly dissappointed when sex turns into a ho-hum experience.
Why foreplay is so integral to love making? It takes the average man two to three minutes of direct sexual stimulation with a partner to orgasm. It takes the average woman twenty to thirty minutes.
So here goes guys…a women’s sexual response to foreplay.
The Arousal Phase (foreplay) from She Comes First by Ian Kerner, Ph.D.:
(1) “Dozens of chemicals and hormones are released into the bloodstream, causing a woman to become ‘emotionally stoned’.” Theresa Crenshaw, M.D. author of The Alchemy of Love and Lust.
(2) The flow of blood is redirected toward the pelvic area; nerve fibers in the genital area become excited, and erectile tissue begins to engorge.
(3) Across the body, the skin becomes extra sensitive to touch.
(4) The breasts swell in size, and stimulation of the nipples initiates the production of oxytocin, a hormone that creates pleasurable sensations throughout the genital area.
(5) As blood vessels force fluid through the walls of the vagina, the vulvo vaginal glands produce a small amount of thick fluid that acts as a lubricant.
(6) The clitoral head emerges from its hood.
I can not emphasize enough: Going from zero to directly stimulating her clitoris is not foreplay. (Do I hear an, “Amen sister!”) Her body maybe able to have an orgasm BUT a much deeper sense of sexual satisfaction gets overlooked when foreplay is not involved. She then starts resenting sex because it is about popping off orgasms and not about connection time with you.
I do not want to blame men for believing foreplay consists of oral sex and/ or directly stimulating the clitoris with his fingers. Most men are doing their best to make a good sex situation out of almost zero education on women’s sexual response.
To enjoy foreplay, the sexually satisfied woman finds the courage to listen to herself. By learning to trust and respond to her inner pleasure signals, she comes to know what she most values and which experiences most deeply satisfy and enrich her.
Therefore, the first place in having soulful sex is knowing yourself. Know what turns you on and what turns you off. Make sure to communicate these to your partner.