Question

My wife and I have different views regarding sexual fantasies. I enjoy a wide range of sexual fantasy (gay, bi, lesbian, groups sex, exhibitionism etc.) and feel it is an important part of my sexual identity and sexual fulfillment. However, my wife does not agree and makes me feel ashamed for being who I am.

Before we were married, she seemed to be very open minded sexually. She was very open to giving oral and she had prior experience in receiving anal and introduced me to bum play. She really liked receiving anal while she had a sex toy inserted in her and I rubbed her clit. She also suggested doing me anally with the dildo which I agreed to and absolutely loved it! I have always enjoyed fingering and playing with my bum while masturbating to gay porn or looking at picture of gay men having anal sex but this was even better!

She seemed to really enjoy topping me and stroking me off at the same time and I loved fantasizing about her being a really cute gay guy thrusting his beautiful cock deep up my bum. We enjoyed mutual masturbation and she really liked watching me jerk off for her. A couple of times she even asked me to wear her panties which I have no problem doing since I have always loved wearing lingerie.

We also incorporated porn videos into our sex life and we watched a wide range of videos while having sex. We watched straight porn, group sex porn, lesbian porn, gang bang porn, gay porn and shemale/cross dresser porn. She really liked the gang bang porn and at that time liked the idea of playing with several hard cocks her self. She liked the tranny porn too and so did I…she liked how sexy and beautiful the trannies looked and loved watching them ride really big cocks.

Anyway, those days are gone. Since we’ve been married (10 years) she has not gone down on me but expects me to go down on her. No more bum play for her, no toys, no fingers, no touching her bum period. She won’t play with my bum either. She doesn’t want us to use sex toys anymore…no dildos, not cock rings, no nipples claps. And forget about watching porn now…we haven’t done that together for years.

So, here I am, healthy, horny and still like to fantasize about sexual situation I’ll never actually act out in person. I’ve never had gay sex but I love to fantasize about it. I never will have gay sex but love looking at pictures and videos of gorgeous naked men, kissing each other, stroking each other, going down on each other, and riding each other. I love the idea of being on my hands and knees between two hot guys…one deep up my bum the other in my mouth while my wife or group of women watch…but I’ll never do it.

I love the idea of having sex with a group of bi women kissing and licking each other…but I’ll never do it. I love the idea of having sex with a gorgeous escort but I’ll never do it. I love the idea of having sex with a gorgeous shemale but I’ll never do it. I love the idea of having sex in a bi group of men and women but will never do it.

Anyway, so now, I enjoy my fantasies by myself. I masturbate to videos and porn on the internet. I never pay for anything … only free pics and videos. I’m not addicted to porn and might go on the internet a couple time a week. My wife is appalled and ridicules me for my fantasies. We still have sex…but on her terms what she wants of course.

My questions is…is this fair? Does she have the right to make me feel ashamed of my fantasies?

Regards,
Made to Feel Guilty

Dr. Trina’s Response:

There are a lot of things that can happen in a ten year relationship outside of the bedroom that can cause things inside the bedroom to not work out. I only have what you emailed me and not your wife’s side of the relationship and therefore cannot make a responsible assessment.

The best thing you can do is to go to a counselor or therapist to work this through together. If you let me know what city you are from, I can track down a reputable name.

Two things for you to think about:

(1) I believe anything in moderation is great. Fantasizing is a healthy part of sexuality. My question to you is: Because you cannot partake of fantasies inside your bedroom, is it becoming a focus for you–i.e. no longer in moderation?

(2) Another thing is: Women (and men for that matter) feel threatened with outside sexual influences and often do not feel good enough sexually—a good example is when men masturbate, women take it as a personal affront to their abilities in the bedroom. The more they do not feel good about themselves, they more they retreat, dig in their heels and refuse to be sexually expressive. Could your wife feel sexually paralyzed because she does not feel she can meet up to your standards?

Again, as this situation sounds a bit complicated, I would strongly encourage you and your wife to seek a third person impartial party councilor to help you work through this to maintain a healthy relationship.