Question:
Certain instances in your childhood seemed to lead you to feeling unsure and even embarrassed about your vagina for many years. You did not look at your own vagina until the age of 33. Please offer a few examples of how these negative feelings impacted other areas of your life, such as overall self-esteem, friendships, etc.

Dr. Trina’s Response:
This is a very good question. In fact, I spent a few days in contemplation.

I fall into the category that was coined by late Sexologist Mary Calderone, (M.D.) “doughnut hole sensibility”. What does that mean? Women have been trained over thousands of years to feel disgust about their vulva. The way it looks, the way it smells, the fluids that come out are something women need to hide.

Growing up, this sensibility was unconscious and yet omnipresent. It was easiest for me to pretend that my vulva did not exist than deal with all the shame and anxiety it represented.

Therefore, I dealt with my vulva the way most people deal with confrontation: if I ignore it, maybe it (the shame & anxiety) will go away.

Like with any avoidance to confrontation, it only builds up more anxiety & resentment; creating much repressed sexual anger—which is why I believe so many women do not enjoy sex and/ or use it as a source of “power” in their relationships.

Self-esteem & friendships? When any person is not open, transparent and vulnerable they cannot have a good self-esteem nor truly meaningful friendships.

I cannot give specific examples on how my doughnut hole sensibility impacted my friendships & self-esteem. I just know the types of friends I attract today are relaxed, confident & open. The relationship I have with my husband is better than any other relationship previous. This is a reflection of who I am as a whole—becoming “real” with all of me had much to do with the quality of my relationships with myself and other people.