Question

Last January, my wife and I were at a nice restaurant having dinner, (date night). I was, as usual, making my latest pitch for something new we should be trying to spice up our sex lives. Not only did she say no, but she told me that our sex life was fine, and that we were never again going to do anything sexually that we had not already done. I told her that she couldn’t do that to me. I had to have hope. But she meant it. Since then I have all but entirely lost interest in sex. Is it possible for someone to have no fantasy life? I cannot understand that she does not see the consequences of what she said. Is there anything you could suggest that I do?

 Dr. Trina’s Response:

It sounds like you and your wife are playing out a pretty typical bedroom game–she is “controlling” how much and the quality of sex, while you are the “victim”. Super toxic to the health of your sexuality.

Bringing new things into a relationship is a great idea AND she probably thinks you are questioning her ability as a lover (although I realize you are not). Plus, it is very intimidating to try something new and her look really stupid when she doesn’t know how to make it work.

Women in general have a pretty low sexual self-confidence.

Another thing you should note: men and women have different viewpoints on how to spice up a relationship. Where men want to try different positions and bring in sex toys, women want romance.

What I suggest you do is ask her what would make sex fun for her. She probably will be defensive at first–be gracious in accepting her fear/ anger. Give her time to think about it, don’t expect an immediate answer. If she doesn’t know where to start, suggest any of Laura Corn’s books which give suggestions on how to make sex better–from a gal’s point of view.

Once you implement things that she likes, then you can bring in things that you like.

I know it is frustrating but it she and your sex life are well worth the effort.