Question

My husband says he doesn’t want to have any more kids, but refuses to have a vasectomy. I’ve told him it’s only fair since I had to go through childbirth. What can I do to convince him?

 Dr. Trina’s Response:

Hmmmm. Giving guilt (i.e. you suffered to have your children) that will inevitably lead into power struggles…not a great combination for a happy sex life or marriage. When you signed up for kids, you decided (consciously or unconsciously) to bear these children. This in no way should affect your husband’s decision to have a vasectomy.

However, if having a vasectomy is the most logical choice for your situation, here are some ideas to get the ball rolling in a positive manner.

(1) The first step in convincing your husband is to put yourself in his shoes. Have you asked him why he doesn’t want a vasectomy? As men are socialized to be he-man manly, he probably feels uncomfortable being open and vulnerable in front of you. Yet, many men have huge hang-ups about their “boys” messed around with.

(2) The key for you both is to drop the power struggle and to get educated. Find out what is a vasectomy’s success rate; how the procedure works; how many men have experienced complications due to the surgery. Discuss the pros and cons.

(3) If he still refuses, it is important for him to understand the side effects of the different birth control options available to you. A lot of times men take fore granted what women have to go through if they have a hysterectomy, go on the pill, or insert an IUD.

By tossing the guilt, getting educated and coming up with a solution based on facts, you both will walk away from this experience stronger as a couple.