Dear Dr. Read,

I am a 28 year old male currently separated with a daughter (who is with my wife). I read your article “What’s A Guy To Do?”, and it really hit home for me. In fact, my separation from my wife is a result of what you talk about. I’m sure you get many emails about things like this, but I hope by some miracle you could respond to this one. I am desperate for my family back.

Back in Sept. of 2005, my wife and I had a beautiful baby girl. She’s actually our little miracle child because my wife had started experiencing early menopause about 3 years prior. Because of her high hormone count, the doctor’s had ruled out the chance of her ever having a child (including in-vitro). Well, as thrilled as we were, we quickly came down to the reality of dealing with the stress of having a newborn. We also were dealing with the stress of my immigration into Canada (I’m from the States) which prohibited me from being able to work. Needless to say, there was no intimacy between my wife and I, and there hadn’t been since about the 2nd trimester.

Anyways, the rest kind of followed like your article said. I was totally frustrated, and really didn’t know to communicate that to her. Eventually, it led to me being in a bad mood all the time. I sometimes would say things that were really unkind because I felt like she was ‘doing’ this to me. I know of course, in my rational mind how stupid that pattern of thought is, but at the time it just spiraled out of control. In addition to that, I also was really not equipped well to deal with this. My mother was an immigrant from Korea who was extremely abusive both physically and emotionally. My father was a Schizophrenic.

I had never been taught how to constructively and properly communicate my feelings with someone I loved. The truth is I loved my wife so much that it hurt to not be able to share that intimacy with her. I felt isolated from the constant rejection.

We both withdrew from each other. She because though she didn’t understand what was happening to me internally, externally she was being treated unfairly without any appreciation for the sacrifices she was making. I withdrew as a result of lack of communication and intimacy. It got so bad that I couldn’t even approach her for a kiss.
At least that is how I felt. When I realized the only outlet I had for any sexual connection over the past year had been with myself, I started to really panic. I felt an anxiety that things would not get better. She was totally unresponsive, and I had no idea what to do. And so, I left.

On the surface, I appeared apathetic, but really I was so incredibly sad. I was also angry that she hadn’t cared about what I was experiencing. Although, I wasn’t effective at communicating that to her. In fact, I’m not sure I communicated anything besides all the negative emotional charge of not having had sex for the past year. More importantly, that I hadn’t had sex with my wife whom I love.

There was a very dark period following the split. She would have rather seen me dead than alive. Over time, things gradually got better. I finally decided that I would reach out, and just let her know that I was sorry. I wanted her to know that I had acknowledged that I made a mistake. As a result, we now talk on a friendly basis. I worry though that all this has damaged the relationship so much that it can’t be repaired. Maybe she’s fallen out of love with me. I don’t know.
However, I do know that many couples survive far worse things and come out stronger so I am hopeful.

I have written her a letter and asked her over the phone to give it another try. I love my family, and really don’t want to go through a divorce. The problem is I don’t know how to talk about this problem with her. I don’t know how to really let her understand what it was like for me at that time, and that those actions were the result of no intimacy. I’m writing with the hopes that you can give me some insight into how to resolve this issue. The truth is I think there is a valuable lesson about the dynamic of marriage that can be learned by both my wife and I. I’m not looking to excuse my previous behavior , but rather have it understood. I will do anything to save my marriage.

Your advice would be so greatly appreciated.

Response from Dr. Trina

It seems couple counseling is the only route to take. Reading books and information on websites are limited in how they can help your situation. You need an impartial person to help you two start communicating around the difficult issues.
After an email exchange here’s some more…

Thanks for responding Dr. Read. I appreciate you taking the time to write back.

I have suggested counseling, but it is still unclear whether my wife is even willing to give our marriage another chance. I’m not even sure that she even loves me at this point. I don’t mean to sound so tragic, but I’m sure you have seen these things happen. Regardless, I will continue the good fight.

If you feel that this may help other people in this situation, then you have my permission to use the letter as you see fit. In the meantime, if you have any other final suggestions to help me at the very least convince my wife to go to counseling, it would be greatly appreciated.

Response from Dr. Trina

Unfortunately, there is no way you can force your wife to take counseling; if you did, she would come as an unwilling participant and waste everyone’s time.
What you can do is go take counseling for yourself. Hopefully she will see how your efforts are a sincere showing of your commitment to the relationship. It might take a year or more for her to come around. Regardless the investment of time will be well worth it…even if she decides never to take counseling and your relationship doesn’t work out. At least you will be a much better mind space.

Good luck,