I recently did an interview with Self magazine’s Feature Editor, Caroline Schaefer.

Great interview with some thought provoking questions. Here’s what Caroline and I talked about.

Self Magazine
The subject is how life changes affect your sex life. Everything from little switches (hair color, bikini wax) to life shifts (new baby, moving to a new city) can and has altered my sex life with my husband and I don’t think I’m the only one who has experienced such reverberations. A few questions
Is this common?
Dr. Trina’s response
Very common.
Positive things where you take care of yourself (hair color, bikini wax) will see you being more willing to have sex. Bigger life changes where new habits/ way of life needs to be learned will negatively affect the sex.

Self Magazine
Is it normal for a couple to experience such swings in their sex life over the course of their relationship? Why or why not?
Dr. Trina’s response
Swings are normal.
Why? Over the course of a relationship, sometimes you want to be a couple and sometimes you want to be an individual. When a person is in a period of “self-growth”, they will naturally pull away and want less intimacy, touch and sex.
However, it’s important to realize that in the last 25 years a big part of people’s self worth is measured by their sexual prowess. So although it is natural to feel asexual for periods, there is now a big component of shame that is attached to not being super sexual.
Plus, these ebbs and flows are confusing because sex is effortless for the first two years and couples get into the habit of putting their sex on cruise control. When the bigger life events occur, spontaneous sex turns into a very difficult thing to keep on top of.

Self Magazine
Is it healthy?
Dr. Trina’s response
If dealt with properly, absolutely. Coming together and having great sex after a long sex-drought can be immensely satisfying on so many levels. It also gives couples that feeling of, “we’ve made it through that dry patch and we’re better than ever”, solidifying the relationship. Intimacy deepens.
If not dealt with properly (i.e. proactive communication), it can spell disaster. Too many couples get into bad sex habits and even worse fights; making sex and each other the enemy. Not a good formula for resurrecting sex.

Self Magazine
Should your sex life be fundamentally solid and not be too affected by life shifts, or is it a good sign that your sex life can be fluid and changing?
Dr. Trina’s response
I know couples whose sex life is solid through the good and bad times, and they are the exception.
For the rest, they need to figure out their internal sexual rhythm. Sexual rhythm is exactly what you’re speaking about—that as life goes by the couple will experience times where they will want a lot of sex and times when they will not.
When a couple knows there will be a major change, they need to be proactive about and discuss what and how their sex will look like for the next six months to a year. Once the year is up, they need to have another discussion.

Self Magazine
What’s the best way to handle these changes?
Dr. Trina’s response
Communication, communication, communication. Sitting down and honestly, openly discussing what sex is going to be like. Going into the conversation with an understanding that both partners have needs and both need to compromise to achieve a healthy balance of intimacy and sex.

Self Magazine
Should you discuss this with your partner? Why or why not?
Dr. Trina’s response
Good sex is built on the foundation of good communication. Discussion is the make it or break it to making this work.
The good news: having an ongoing dialogue over the six months to a year will quell any frustration and resentment, allow for inside jokes and create a better intimacy outside the bedroom.

Self Magazine
How can you get back on track, assuming you have gotten off the way you want?
Dr. Trina’s response
Initiating sex in a stalled relationship is probably the most challenging of all scenarios. Couples simply don’t know how or where to start. It is compounded if the couple has had fights around sex so when sex is initiated there are feelings of anxiety, guilt and resentment by both. Sex in no longer about intercourse it’s about all the negative baggage that is being carried around.

Self Magazine
Can it be an opportunity for growth and getting closer to your partner?
Dr. Trina’s response
This can really be a cross roads for the couple. They can go down the road of believing sex is a static once a week situation and end up with huge frustrations and resentments; or realize that sometimes there will be periods of no sex, periods of lots of sex and periods where they have sex once a week.

Self Magazine
Are some changes harder to persevere through than others? Why or why not?
Dr. Trina’s response
Having one or more children is probably most difficult because the couple becomes a love triangle. It really is no different from polyamory; the couple is sharing love and intimacy with a third party. It takes a lot more adjustment, compromise and communication when children come on the scene.

Self Magazine
What advice would you give to a couple who came to you, requesting help for getting their sex life back after a life change (like relocating to a different city) hindered their sex life?
Dr. Trina’s response
The core of sex and intercourse is about staying intimately connected (yes, even for men). During times of change it is imperative the couple create daily intimacy. That way, the couple doesn’t feel like they are missing out when sexual intercourse is sporadic.
Three easy 30-second things to do every day:
(1) Make sure to touch your partner in a non-sexual way every day. Touching floods your brain with oxytocin. For women the effects of touching is amplified by her estrogen.
(2) Make your partner right at least once a day. During change we tend to turn our frustrations onto our partner. It’s important that you remind yourself that you’ve made a good choice. And after a long day, it’s really nice to hear good things being said instead of pick, pick, picking at each other.
(3) Look into each other’s eyes and kiss. Quick, easy connection time that can unexpectedly light a spark of desire.

If you want to take it up a notch…
The best advice I can give is to have sex every day for seven days. Initially some couples are shocked by the thought. However, it gets couples out of a lot of their built-up sex ruts and helps them starts a new chapter in their sexual adventures.