(Originally posted on the Yummy Mummy Club blog, October 26, 2008.)

It’s the weekend and my thirteen month old son is teething. He woke up twice last night angry and then even more cranky mood early this morning. He’s tired, hurt and frustrated. I’m tired, hurt and frustrated. My husband—who is a great dad, husband and man—was able to sleep through it all.

Now my husband, after having experienced a lovely sleep-in, is cozying up to me, acting sweet, loving, and helpful. I call this Santa Clause syndrome—he is on his best behavior so he can get a little something. You see on weekends, we make great efforts to get some loving time in.

I suppose somewhere deep down beneath all the tiredness I wouldn’t mind a little romp. Connection time and a much needed boost of oxytocin and endorphins would really help. However, any desire that I can muster is currently being squashed by, “If you wanted to have sex today, then you should have helped with the baby last night” ruminations.

And I’m not afraid to tell you that this morning I’m wearing my anger like a queen’s robe, prancing all over the house. At the same time, like a master ninja I’m deflecting any affection my husband might want to show me.

I would really like to work this out but to be quite honest I don’t have the energy to have a heart-to-heart, constructive conversation with him. You see, ironically, I don’t want to spoil the rest of our very short weekend together by starting a fight.

So instead I say nothing. And by choosing to be knee deep in my stewing I put a kibosh on any intimacy time with him. Feeling my rejection, he’s hurt and pulls away. Like clockwork, the “big white elephant” suddenly appears in the room; there to haunt us and be an undercurrent of tension which stokes the fires of our next impending fight.

Having a great sex life in a long term relationship can be complicated enough. When kids come along having great sex can become a gong show, because it’s not about the sex it’s about all the stuff around sex that gets in the way of having a meaningful connection to your partner.

As such, I’m convinced that there really isn’t such a thing as effortless sex—as much as Cosmopolitan magazine would disagree with me. Even when you were dating, you had premeditated sex.

Sex is fun. It breaths much needed life into a comfortably numb existence. It’s what makes our relationship with our partner worth having over the long haul.