New Year’s resolutions are great. They can be a catalyst for a lot of positive change–and they can also fizzle out within a month. I get the feeling that maybe you’d like to experiment with a few new tricks while adding some new sexual behaviors to your long term repertoire to keep things fresh.

You can do this by doing two things:
1) Figure out where to push the boundaries and where to leave them
2) Do something, ANYTHING different.

First off, don’t make the mistake of going over board too quickly. For instance, if the both of you know you want to keep things monogamous, I wouldn’t suggest you bringing a third party into bed. Or, if he knows you hate to watch yourself on video, he shouldn’t go videotaping your sex romps without you knowing.

However, people tend to find a lot more negotiable in their sex lives than they realized when they start to talk about it with their partners honestly. So, you might begin by planning a special night together with him and bring up the issue over a sexy dinner. I understand that you may need to initiate this first foray into the sexually explorative discussion but sex (usually, unless your masturbating by yourself) is a two way street. Part of what he needs to buy into during this discussion is his own responsibility in this relationship to turn up the heat as well. The issue is not your issue alone.

What you’ll both need to find out is what turn’s you on at the core. What do you respond to sexually without even thinking? And don’t rule out acts that you would consider socially unacceptable–rape fantasies rank among the most common fantasies for women–obviously you’d play this one out within reason. If you can’t think of anything off hand, rent/buy some erotic videos with varying themes and see what your body (and your mind) responds to. This can be a great way for the both of you to get conscious about what gets you off and it can also be a fun way to lead to a little sex play in front of the tellie.

Once you get a few ideas together, talk out the top one or two behaviors that you both seem most interested in. Granted, you both may find you have different erotic interests. But if you both discuss your favorites you can both figure out how far you’re willing to go to fill one another’s fantasy. An example might be that he’d love to try anal sex with you but you’re not into the idea of jumping right in to full penal/anal penetration. Why not then, buy a good lube a couple of non-intimidating anal toys to play with? Decide that you’ll initially only play on the outside of the anus and then maybe (if you’re comfortable) graduate up to finger insertion.

Maybe he’s a control freak but you’ve always wanted to tie him up and experiment with a little S&M. Negotiate what his limits are. There are many accoutrements now that allow for ‘light’ S&M play; satiny sashes that don’t tie too tightly and soft, playful whips. Just be sure you both decide on a ‘safe word’ that let’s you each know when you’re seriously done playing–many people like to say “no” or “don’t” as apart of the sex play. A safe word should be a word not normally used during sex…perhaps something as random as “kumquat” or “constellation”.

As mentioned the whole point is to do anything different. So, whether it’s even having sex in different rooms of your house or deciding to have regular sex dates–it doesn’t have to be a profound change–just a change. Some changes may stick and others may not but the point is you’re both making an effort to preserve the health of your sexual relationship. The fun part may just be in trying something new, even if it doesn’t work out. In fact, every New Year you may want to sit down with your partner and have your ritual dinner to come up with a kinky thing or two to do to keep each year as fresh as your first year together.

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Dr. Kat is a Clinical Sexologist Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing in the field of counseling since 1994. In addition to her training in Marriage, Family and Addictions, she has extensive sexuality training. Find out more at: Dr.Kat.com

Dear Dr. Brian,
I’ve heard some girls like anal sex. What could they get from that? Wouldn’t that miss all their girly parts?
Anally Oblivious

Dear Anally Oblivious,
Yeah AO, most people have already heard why guys might like getting their A-Spot (prostate gland) tickled by a penis, dildo, or finger, but a lot of you have no idea why a girl might enjoy getting her anus or rectum played with.

Just like for boys, a girl’s anus has a ton of nerve endings making this area super sensitive to stimulation. A little anal massage could send your lady lover over the edge.

The rectum and vagina also share an internal wall together. And, those all important vaginal nerve endings are sometimes easier to ‘connect with’ from the back side.

A women’s G-Spot can also be stimulated from the rectum. Remember, that the G-spot is analogous to the male prostate gland, which is easily stimulated through the anus. Many women have amazing G-Spot orgasms through anal sex.

A woman can also have an anal orgasm. This is distinct and different from a clitoral, vaginal, or G-Spot orgasm. This too, makes anal sex fun for girls.

Further, when a man or woman orgasms, they have contractions that is also felt in their rectum. This whole pelvic region has lots of pleasurable zones that makes it fun.

So AO, anal sex might not be your cup of tea, but some girls totally get off on it. It’s best not to judge. Everyone has different likes and dislikes in and out of the bedroom.

Best regards, Dr. Brian Parker

Dr. Brian Parker is the creator of Embrace board game. He also is owner of ForeverPleasure.com an on-line adult store that sells the very best product.

Recently I had quite an interesting conversation with a girlfriend of mine. She was stuck somewhat between a rock and a hard place because she was wondering if it was always necessary to confess that one had cheated. If you cheated, did you always have to tell? Is it alright to wriggle out of an affair without confessing to your partner what had been done?

Having counselled with a number of individuals/couples on this very volatile issue of infidelity, I knew off-hand that it can be complicated. People cheat for a variety of reasons. Some do it out of retaliation because their own partner has cheated, others are motivated by a need for sexual variety and excitement, others long for the unconditional emotional support which a lover often brings, or for some, cheating is a response to a bothersome mid-life crisis or to feelings of low self-esteem. Whatever the reason, cheating seems to be a fairly prevalent practice in all types of relationships. It is found among the married, the engaged, among those who live together and even among those who try to practice serial monogamy.

But how do we generally respond to the reality of cheating? Instinctively, we know, for the most part, that our committed relationships should be defined by sexual exclusivity. Even the players know this. Why else would they seek to sharpen their “gaming” skills? Why else would some seek to make an episode of cheating a secret? When we have vowed “to have and to hold from this day forward” we know that that basically comes down to placing and keeping all of our sexual eggs in one basket as it were, with no sharing allowed!

Even before marriage enters the picture, we don’t expect that our partner will have sex with someone else. Cheating is a big issue because sex is a big issue; just ask any of the individuals plagued today by HIV or some other sexually transmitted disease. You can’t get much bigger than your very life being threatened. If this were not the case, we could easily come back from a night out with the girls or boys to say to our partner “You would never guess, but I just had the most amazing sex with someone I met at a bar/your best friend/my ex”. Sounds fairly ridiculous doesn’t it? Of course it does. We would never, ever venture to do this, because we know that stepping out sexually is a major, relationship-breaking issue.

Is it therefore ever okay to keep a sexual slip-up a secret? Can we cheat and forget all about it in our primary relationship? Some argue that it depends on the nature of the affair. In other words they believe that the necessity of confession is hinged upon whether or not the cheating was long-term (as in repeat offenses), whether it was emotional and sexual, or on whether it was relationship-based as opposed to a one night stand. Some relationship gurus will suggest that each individual or couple has to know what is right for them and that there are no simplistic, cart-blanche answers when it comes to the confession of sexual impropriety.

With respect to my girl-friend, she admitted to knowing of several relationships where the cheating was kept a secret, the external relationship brought to an end and the primary relationship continued as if nothing had happened. From the outside this looked like a win-win situation to her. In other words the offending partner did what was needed; she ended the affair but kept the incriminating information away from her partner in an attempt to shield him from the hurtful truth. I was not convinced.

I believe that marriage and the sexuality which forms the bedrock of such a relationship, must start out with a philosophy which will guide the state of that union. In other words, if you have vowed to commit and to be sexually exclusive you can’t very well have your cake and eat it too. Something has got to give. The “philosophy” or guiding principles, or values of the union (whatever you choose to call it) sets certain parameters in place. It allows us to set boundaries that should, on a good day, guard or protect the union from harm.

Now although I do believe in the sanctity of marriage and the seriousness of the vows made, the mindset of faithfulness and exclusivity must be embedded long before an individual says “I do”; that is why these principles apply to couples who are also not married whether or not sex is involved.

If you can’t live within a mindset of faithfulness before marriage occurs, chances are you will not adopt such an approach after marriage. As much as I believe in great sex and tout its importance to a good marriage, the relationship must be pursued for the sake of the person, not for the sake of the sex. This mindset allows us to put our partner’s needs before our own. We operate for the “greater good” of the relationship and this ensures that our actions are guided by integrity and not selfishness or a need for personal aggrandizement at any cost.

When we “prefer” our partner’s needs before our own, then we are acting out of selflessness which is a true hallmark of love and commitment. And of course this sounds pretty lofty and idealistic and outside the reach of normal mortals who often can’t reconcile their own ambivalence about their sexuality. How do we “prefer” our partner’s needs when the language of today’s sexual revolution focuses on me, myself and I. Let’s face it, sex today is all about my pleasure, my orgasm, my vibrator, my fantasy, my lover, my libido, my kinky tricks, my sexual style or profile and precious little is dedicated to any idea of selflessness. Actually selflessness as applied to a sexual relationship sounds about as boring as rye bread with unsalted butter!

But we’ve done a complete circumlocution and come right back to the beginning of our discussion; should we kiss and tell? If you’ve been listening keenly to what I have been saying, then you will know that if we are guided by principles of integrity (respecting our partner’s needs first and the greater good of the relationship), then we will know that it is wrong to stay quiet about as serious an issue as infidelity. If we have slipped up sexually, or down for that matter, then we must have the courage to confess.

By its very nature, infidelity interrupts the flow of intimacy and the feelings of goodwill that should characterize a special relationship. If I were foolish enough to venture into a store and take something that was not mine, I would be guilty of committing a crime or a felon. Whether or not I was discovered by the store Manager or the Police, I still stand guilty of a crime because basically, I did it. The same stands true in relationships. Once you’ve cheated, you have committed a crime against that relationship and whether or not your partner discovers the ugly truth, you are guilty of undermining the integrity of the union. And what we know from history and experience, is that what we fail to deal with or unearth, very often comes back to haunt us in the future.

A lie or deception between a couple will continue to erect barriers which will impede on the couple’s intimacy. One partner may sense a distancing in the relationship without being able to identify the source. This often occurs when there is divided loyalty as occurs in an active affair or if an affair was never confessed.

If we truly want to be free to love and to enjoy the toe-curling sex that is born out of openness and honesty, then we must be bold enough to set the sexual record straight and ask forgiveness. Although there are no guarantees that the relationship will survive, hopefully we will find eventual peace in knowing that we have done the right thing. And by the way, my girlfriend discovered this too.
© Denise J Charles 2011

Denise J Charles easily describes herself as the quintessential Renaissance woman with her hands in many pies. She is a wife and mother of three sons, an educator who has taught from High School to University, a performance poet, Artistic Director, published author, blogger, counselor and relationship coach. She is a qualified “trainer of trainers” and also holds a Master’s Degree in Education. Denise is from the beautiful island of Barbados. You can find Denise’s thoughts on sex and sexuality on her blog Red Red Apples (http://redredapples.wordpress.com/).

Dr. Trina’s Answer
Take heart that you’re not alone. Research suggests that 37 percent of people who take antidepressants experience everything from decreased libido to increased time reaching orgasm.

Here’s a few suggestions that may help.
Talk with your doctor
There are a range of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and some are less problematic. You may be able to switch to a similar medication with fewer side effects. Also try: lowering the dose; scheduling the time you take the drug around sex; or adding another drug to counteract side effects.

Change your perspective
Think about how sex was before this drug. You probably didn’t feel at all sexy or sexual. Now after addressing your health concerns you’re interested in sex. Hoorah! So in a round about way, your libido has actually increased.

Have a heart-to-heart
Chances are your partner is happy you’re feeling well and is empathetic about possible side effects. Talking about how you’re going to work together to cope with any changes.

Great Sex Tip
Sometimes the sexual effects will be welcomed. Men who are premature ejaculators might now experience delayed ejaculation.

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There are couples who love to have great sex, and I mean with a capital L. There is however one condition. They only want to have that great sex with the person to whom they are committed. Sex for such individuals is not an end in itself. It‟s not a case of “any sex will do”. They are not into trading vaginas and penises for their own personal aggrandizement. Do such couples experience boredom in the bedroom? Of course! Their boredom could be as palpable as the next guys. What distinguishes their response however is their level of commitment to the relationship and their intuitive understanding of the value of a good sex-life to the health of the relationship. Because they understand the basics of relational health, they are therefore willing to put in the extra work to alleviate the bedroom blues. They also understand that love is really about putting the needs of another individual before their own. This means that if each partner focuses on what to do to please the other sexually, then the result is likely to be one sexually fulfilled couple.

Regardless of the response mode you and your spouse may have found yourselves in when it comes to the bedroom blues, the following tips represent a starting point for your continued sexual renewal as a couple:

Schedule lovemaking sessions; especially when there are kids around. This ensures that sexual intimacy becomes as regular a part of your couple‟s repertoire as taking a shower is to the individual.

Don’t underestimate the power of the quickie. Yes the long, drawn out, steamy, lovemaking sessions a la Hollywood and the romance novel may be well known to some of us, but a short, sweet sexual encounter may be better than none at all.

Get deliberately creative. Using the powers of imagination from time to time can always add flavour to the love-life. This may involve using sexy lingerie, silk boxers and other little tricks like scented candles, fragrant oils, music, feathers, flavoured condoms, satin sheets, carefully positioned mirrors and you get my drift I’m sure.

Cultivate a ‘touchy-feely’ relationship. Couples who understand how to be physically demonstrative to each other outside of the bedroom get to preserve a certain level of sexual tension which just goes kaboom when they come together.

Have a regular date-night. Spending time together regularly in other social settings helps an individual to see his/her partner in a different light. Taking the effort to dress up and go out together sends a powerful message that the individual is not being taken for granted.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Couples who fail to share what they really feel about their love-life run the risk of harbouring anger and resentment which can contribute to further rifts in the relationship. It is important for couples to practice emotional intimacy if they expect to have great sexual intimacy. This comes only through honesty, openness and a shared vulnerability.

Have lots of sex. Scientific studies have proven that the more sex we have the more sex we want. So there is perhaps no greater way to jump-start a flagging sex life that with some attempt at a sexual marathon (of course not forever but just so you could get those hormones racing again). Couples could perhaps set themselves an attainable sexual goal as an experiment or a challenge; for example, sex everyday for five or seven straight days. According to researchers, this is guaranteed to straighten out those hormones and have them and other parts of of your anatomy in tip-top working condition.
© Denise J Charles 2011

Denise J Charles easily describes herself as the quintessential Renaissance woman with her hands in many pies. She is a wife and mother of three sons, an educator who has taught from High School to University, a performance poet, Artistic Director, published author, blogger, counselor and relationship coach. She is a qualified “trainer of trainers” and also holds a Master’s Degree in Education. Denise is from the beautiful island of Barbados. You can find Denise’s thoughts on sex and sexuality on her blog Red Red Apples (http://redredapples.wordpress.com/).

Most of the faking happens, I believe, because we put far too much pressure on ourselves to perform in bed. Not only do our bedroom antics stop us from having great sex, we also lose touch with our erogenous zones and eventually disconnect from our sexuality.

So yes, no matter how awkward this conversation is going to be, you have to tell him. Today. Most guys will take this personally and become upset.

If he’s not great in bed, break it to him gently. Believe it or not, most guys don’t know much about a woman’s erogenous zones.

Then you need to tell him what you like. If you can’t tell him, show him. Guide his hands over your hot spots and teach him exactly what makes you purr (fun!)

Stop faking, stop focusing on having orgasms, and just enjoy the pleasurable sensations your body is feeling. You’ll orgasm a whole lot easier that way.

Great Sex Tip
With orgasm, a woman will experience contractions every 0.8th of a second which can be felt in her vaginal canal and rectum. A woman’s orgasm typically lasts between thirteen to fifty-one seconds.

The more I have witnessed and become acquainted with the stories of couples, both married and unmarried, the more I am convinced that cheating is both an art and a science. Let me explain. Popular culture has done a great job at magnifying the notions of a great passion and the pursuit of the forbidden. As a matter of fact, many of the familiar stories of great passion tend to be intricately dove-tailed with some aspect of the forbidden. From the old tale of star-crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet, to Cinderella, to the very real story of King Edward VII who abdicated the British throne for love, the common thread seems to be that great love and passion are just outside the reach of the common man. In other words if we want to experience that great passion that seduces us, then we’ve got to be willing to surmount any bridge or barrier to get there.

If we just listen to any number of the love songs of today’s popular culture, then we could easily become convinced that our very reason for being is love, passion and don‟t forget sex. These things represent the honey which we humans follow like bees. The barriers to our romantic and sexual happiness however, if we follow the trend of thought of Shakespeare, Hollywood, et al, could be anything from a long-standing family feud, to class differences, to even a wedding ring. Which brings me to the subject of cheating as an art.

I am sure that if I were to carry out a poll, all of us would admit that the idea of us being cheated on in a marriage or romantic relationship, rubs us the wrong way. We just don‟t like the idea of being taken for a ride. No matter what the casual sex proponents say, those of us in serious relationships want to believe in the promise of sexual exclusivity. Yes, the idea that my man only gets it on with me, as in ONLY gets it on with me. However, there is a whole other view which is being espoused today. It holds that passion must be pursued at all costs. The chase and capture theme of love-stories (boy running after girl, girl swooning and capitulating even against her better judgement) is a common enough theme for us to get the idea that it‟s quite alright to go after what you want; regardless. Affairs in popular culture have therefore become artsy, romantic, melancholic, wistful and bittersweet. These are qualities that many a woman who is hooked on the romance novel or romantic comedy, is unable to resist.

So being armed with such a philosophy, why should anyone think that something as simple as a wedding ring, or marriage vows, or a serious commitment, or a promise, or pledge or just plain decency, would keep individuals out of each other‟s hearts or underpants for that matter? The romanticized ideal about passion and hot, forbidden sex, has somehow grabbed hold of the psyche of many people out there searching for relationship utopia. Remember that song “Me and Mrs. Jones”, (we’ve got a thing going on)” or better yet Whitney Houston‟s “I’m Saving All My love For You”?

These songs, among many others, did and continue to do a very good job at romanticizing infidelity. Their underlying suggestion is that the love or passion being shared is so special, that the individuals would do anything to keep this special something “going on”. I believe that the individual who cheats either has a particular relationship philosophy or is seduced into seeing relationships in a particular light. I do agree that there is diversity among cheaters. People do not cheat for the same reasons but all who cheat do begin from a point of similarity. Basically, they lack relationship integrity. It is nonetheless interesting to perhaps examine some of the thinking behind this behaviour called cheating.

Tit-for-Tatters
These cheat because they have been cheated on. (I guess this is where the laws of science come in, something like A+B=C?) They have been hard done by and they intend to go for the jugular. It is likely that such an individual has been hurt so much that they have not even processed their pain. All they know is that they want revenge and perhaps want to enjoy it too. The down side of playing tit for tat, is that the underlying issues are never dealt with. The brief satisfaction felt in having that “eye for an eye” is ultimately lost when it is realised that returning hurt for hurt does not eradicate pain.

Grass Grazers
There are those who just believe that the grass on the other side is greener, healthier, free from chemicals and organic to the bone, I mean blade. They just are into taste-testing and make no apologies for it. At the heart of this Columbus syndrome is not only a deep dissatisfaction with the spouse or partner but a deeper dissatisfaction with the self. A man doesn‟t just pursue another skirt because he wants to test a new vagina. He wants to test himself in a new scenario. He wants to prove that he can chase, woo and conquer (just in case he forgot). He wants to know that he hasn‟t lost his skill; especially if his wife treats their sex-life like the last thing on earth that she‟d want to participate in. (And I‟m not giving the guy an excuse to cheat lest I be misread). Women too can be motivated by a need to re-prove their sexiness and failure to pay attention to the old car in the garage just makes the new car in the show-window seem even more attractive than it actually might be.The affair becomes then an easy cop-out in a relationship where the garden has not been carefully tended.

Emotional Exposers
Many affairs begin because individuals fail to erect emotional boundaries in their relationships. They are either emotionally needy and their current relationship does not cater to this or even if it does, they make the error of dropping their emotional guard with someone else. Although not exclusive to women, this phenomenon is perhaps more common among them than men. In the same way that we have a driving sexual centre which cries out for fulfillment, we also have an emotional centre which must be addressed in our relationships. This centre cries out for affirmation and validation.

When this need to be affirmed is ignored because our spouse fails to listen to us, we can often inadvertently look to others to fill this void. If we are a woman and this person is a man, then the emotional bond with another has the potential to create a sexual attraction which if not brought under control, can lead to a full-fledged affair. The same holds true for the guy who gets loads of attention from a specific woman in the office. If there is a missing emotional connection with his wife or significant other, then he becomes vulnerable to creating an emotional tie which can lead to sex.

The thing is that emotional fidelity is quite lethal on its own even when sex is not involved. Some believe that as long as they’re not having sex then there is nothing wrong with pursuing a close emotional bond with another. While the potential for such a relationship to evolve into a sexual one is always on the horizon, even if it never does, such ties rob the primary relationship of the type of emotional energy that is needed to cement and distinguish it as being “set apart” from all other relationships. If this issue is not addressed, what will develop is a case of divided loyalties which will undermine the primary relationship. This spells disaster with a capital D.

These affair profiles are not exhaustive by any means. The truth is that some will cheat just because they can do it and get away with it. It’s called human selfishness. Some will do it just for the fun of it. Of course they are the “Relationship Imposters” who are really immature and selfish and really not emotionally ready for any serious commitment. The good news is that fidelity is not outside the ambit of human behaviour. Many new studies point to the benefits of monogamy. If the energy and creativity that are needed to make an affair work and preserve its secrecy, were perhaps applied to our primary relationships, then probably the effort alone would bring us a sense of hope and renewal.

Denise J Charles easily describes herself as the quintessential Renaissance woman with her hands in many pies. She is a wife and mother of three sons, an educator who has taught from High School to University, a performance poet, Artistic Director, published author, blogger, counselor and relationship coach. She is a qualified “trainer of trainers” and also holds a Master’s Degree in Education. Denise is from the beautiful island of Barbados. You can find Denise’s thoughts on sex and sexuality on her blog Red Red Apples (http://redredapples.wordpress.com/).

Dear Orgasm Free Sex,
There could be a number of contributing factors, however, it is most likely either psychological or problems with sexual technique. If it is in your mind, you have to learn to relax and give in to the pleasure you are feeling. Maybe you are too embarrassed to truly let go and have an orgasm in front of another person? If so, you’ll need to work on your sexuality.

Your problems with reaching orgasm could also be related to the type of sexual activities you are doing with your partner. If you are only having intercourse, then it is important for you to know that 33% of women have never had an orgasm through penis-vagina sex. The main reason for this is that the clitoris is generally not stimulated enough for a woman to attain orgasm through intercourse.

Your clitoris is your pleasure organ. The clitoris has more nerve endings than the entire penis – 8,000 in fact. And, 80% of women orgasm solely through clitoral stimulation. So, you might not be reaching orgasm because your not stimulating the right areas of your body.

Best regards, Dr. Brian Parker

Dr. Brian Parker creator of Embrace board game and owns ForeverPleasure.com an on-line adult store that sells the very best product and educates you before you buy.

I honestly don’t think that there are any words more over-used on the planet than “sex” and “sexy”. In contemporary advertising and everyday conversations, “sexy” is used to describe just about everything: your car, my lipstick, a woman‟s legs, breasts, a guy‟s rear end, a magazine, a pair of shoes and the list is by no means exhaustive. We have grown so accustomed to singing about sex in Pop and R & B music, having it talked about on talk-shows, discussed on blogs (present company included), in bars, over coffee at work and even alluded to surreptitiously in board rooms that we have pretty much heard it all. Regretfully, in our overtly sex-saturated society, something that should really allow us to go whoopee has become virtually run-of-the-mill. We are basically suffering from sexual over-exposure and the sad thing is that our relationships are being adversely affected.

How are these effects being felt you might ask. They have likely contributed to much of the boredom often experienced by many of us in the bedroom. Where sex is concerned, have you ever thought “been there, done that” (big yawn)? I mean what else is really new in the sexual stratosphere (barring the unmentionable kinky variety not mildly appealing to us normal people). Really, think about it. How do regular, well-adjusted couples not interested in the least in flaying each others skin or in some other de-humanizing behaviour, continue to get a kick out of sex, particularly if they have been married for a good, five, ten, fifteen or maybe twenty years.

I admit having been married for a quite a few years myself, that cultivating and maintaining bedroom excitement is no easy feat. Our common-sense tells us that relationships will drift though a number of stages. After the hot and sexy early years where we can hardly think straight or keep our hands off each other, we find ourselves settling into the routine of coupledom. There are the bills to be paid, the babies, the changing careers, continuing education, the parents and life which just keeps on happening.

These shifts in the dynamics of our relationships are very often reflected in the bedroom. It is usually the first place to experience the emotional strains which can plague a marriage because of changing life-circumstances. Because sex is an ultra-vulnerable act which forces us to let our guard down, it easily becomes the place which is most susceptible to the normal stresses and strains of a relationship.

So what am I saying? Bedrooms can become besieged with boredom because of a number of reasons. Sex has become as common as the common cold, and the changing scenes of life and relationships don‟t exactly make it easy for couples to feel all hot and bothered under the collar.

So what happens in the bedroom during these junctures of our lives? Well, where sex is concerned there is always the element of choice. There are a number of ways individuals and couples can and do choose to deal with the issue of bedroom boredom.

The Auto-Pilot Response
This occurs where couples mostly have sex when either half-asleep or half-awake (just a matter of perspective). Sex occurs as a matter of course, pretty much like the necessary bodily function
of going to the bathroom. There is absolutely no effort at creativity or ingenuity extended into the love-life. Sex is brief, functional, perfunctory and release-oriented; pretty much along the lines of that well worn expression “wham-bam-thank-you-mam!” The missionary position becomes etched in stone and sometimes the wife can even do the grocery list during the act, if she can get her eyes opened wide enough.

The Sexless Response
Couples go sexless when the cares of life become so overwhelming that sex is no longer worth the time, work and effort. This couple begins to function almost along the lines of a brother and sister. There may or may not be a certain sense of warmth between them but life has become so centred on the activities of family (children and in-laws) that this couple has actually lost all sense of being a couple. In this response pattern, the practice of not having any sex (or as little as twice a year), is not necessarily a well-thought out or deliberate response. It usually occurs because one individual looses his/her desire and the other capitulates because he/she gives into a feeling of powerlessness in the situation.

The Nocturnal Headache Response
This response occurs when there is a simple lack of common sex, I mean common sense. One partner (usually the woman) gets locked into complaining of a nightly headache, while failing to realise that she‟s having that headache precisely because she has not had some good sex in a while and perhaps needs that great orgasmic release. No seriously, the headache response reveals an escape-route mentality. Of course I am not denying that there may be times when illness may prevent partners from experiencing a good roll in the hay but that‟s not the point here. Barring genuine illness, partners can become locked into various excuses as to why sex does not happen. “The kids will hear us”, “the dogs are barking”, “my mother lives next-door”, “there is a hole in the ceiling” all become viable reasons as to why sex should be circumnavigated. While this sex-avoidance behaviour may only be perpetuated by one individual, it becomes a significant road-block to sexual intimacy since it definitely takes two to tango.

The Roving Reporter Response
Perhaps this is the most lethal of responses to bedroom boredom. It occurs when one or both partners begin to look outside the relationship for the sexual excitement which they know is lacking. The partner or couple who gets locked into this response may not be necessarily interested in leaving the relationship. There may be a sense of security in knowing that they have built a life together. They perhaps share a mortgage, a car loan, kids, pets and the list goes on. What they don‟t share however is an exciting sex life. When sexual boredom has set in and there is a lack of dialogue on the matter, the result could very well be a tendency to inspect the grass on the other side. This is a response that is grounded in laziness and a self-serving agenda. The energy, spontaneity and ingenuity that is often required to make an affair work, had it been applied to the marriage, would most likely have resulted in a re-kindling of the sexual fires. The self-serving partner is however looking for a quick fix and working on a relationship can be time-consuming.

The “I Want to Have Great Sex With You”
Response There are couples who love to have great sex, and I mean with a capital L. There is however one condition. They only want to have that great sex with the person to whom they are committed. Sex for such individuals is not an end in itself. It‟s not a case of “any sex will do”. They are not into trading vaginas and penises for their own personal aggrandizement. Do such couples experience boredom in the bedroom? Of course! Their boredom could be as palpable as the next guys. What distinguishes their response however is their level of commitment to the relationship and their intuitive understanding of the value of a good sex-life to the health of the relationship. Because they understand the basics of relational health, they are therefore willing to put in the extra work to alleviate the bedroom blues. They also understand that love is really about putting the needs of another individual before their own. This means that if each partner focuses on what to do to please the other sexually, then the result is likely to be one sexually fulfilled couple.

Regardless of the response mode you and your spouse may have found yourselves in when it comes to the bedroom blues, the following tips represent a starting point for your continued sexual renewal as a couple:

Schedule lovemaking sessions; especially when there are kids around. This ensures that sexual intimacy becomes as regular a part of your couple’s repertoire as taking a shower is to the individual.

Don’t underestimate the power of the quickie. Yes the long, drawn out, steamy, lovemaking sessions a la Hollywood and the romance novel may be well known to some of us, but a short, sweet sexual encounter may be better than none at all

Get deliberately creative. Using the powers of imagination from time to time can always add flavour to the love-life. This may involve using sexy lingerie, silk boxers and other little tricks like scented candles, fragrant oils, music, feathers, flavoured condoms, satin sheets, carefully positioned mirrors and you get my drift I’m sure.

Cultivate a “touchy-feely” relationship. Couples who understand how to be physically demonstrative to each other outside of the bedroom get to preserve a certain level of sexual tension which just goes kaboom when they come together.

Have a regular date-night. Spending time together regularly in other social settings helps an individual to see his/her partner in a different light. Taking the effort to dress up and go out together sends a powerful message that the individual is not being taken for granted.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Couples who fail to share what they really feel about their love-life run the risk of harbouring anger and resentment which can contribute to further rifts in the relationship. It is important for couples to practice emotional intimacy if they expect to have great sexual intimacy. This comes only through honesty, openness and a shared vulnerability.

Have lots of sex. Scientific studies have proven that the more sex we have the more sex we want. So there is perhaps no greater way to jump-start a flagging sex life that with some attempt at a sexual marathon (of course not forever but just so you could get those hormones racing again). Couples could perhaps set themselves an attainable sexual goal as an experiment or a challenge; for example, sex everyday for five or seven straight days. According to researchers, this is guaranteed to straighten out those hormones and have them and other parts of of your anatomy in tip-top working condition.
© Denise J Charles 2011

Denise J Charles easily describes herself as the quintessential Renaissance woman with her hands in many pies. She is a wife and mother of three sons, an educator who has taught from High School to University, a performance poet, Artistic Director, published author, blogger, counselor and relationship coach. She is a qualified “trainer of trainers” and also holds a Master’s Degree in Education. Denise is from the beautiful island of Barbados. You can find Denise’s thoughts on sex and sexuality on her blog Red Red Apples (http://redredapples.wordpress.com/).