Back to my friend catching her ex masturbating: She laughed recounting how he frantically pulled up his pants while muttering inane excuses. It was clear he was far more embarrassed than her by the incident.

After the laughter subsided her mood completely shifted. Angry she confided, “And then a few months later I found him with his pants down in front of the computer, looking at nude pictures.” There was a nervous hesitation then, “I could never trust him after that. And the mistrust was a big reason why we split up.”

I was writing about cyber sex and asking the regular Jane how she felt about it. Everyone–I mean everyone–assumed there was something wrong or missing in a relationship in order for an individual to turn to sex on the internet.

Of course this could be true. However, it never occurred to any of them that cyber sex could be a healthy sexual outlet for someone in a happy, stable relationship.

Something else became crystal clear: cyber sex is a contentious and complex couple issue. Perhaps for good reason but then again it shouldn’t become a relationship deal breaker.

I can well appreciate that a male partner looking at nude photos of bodacious beauties— secretly —on the internet is enough to shake-up even the most confident gal.

However, it’s my belief that the real trouble comes because the average busy couple is not willing to tackle the ‘relationship communication’ necessary to successfully navigate through this.

Here’s the deal with Cyber Sex
Most people automatically assume engaging in cyber sex equates to deviant behavior. In truth, the stigma around cyber sex comes down to a lot of unknowns which makes it seem threatening.

Plus, the internet is a relatively new medium which naturally makes for a blurred line of what is acceptable sexual behavior.

Is virtual sex considered cheating?
Maybe. It comes down to the people involved.

First, you need to assess your situation and decide whether cyber sex is: (1)a once in a while thing; (2) or happens frequently enough to get in the way of your relationship.

It’s a once in a while thing
You don’t have to like or accept this; but you do have to understand that if you give a “you can never do this” ultimatum, chances are your partner will still do it. Behind your back.

Instead, you need to discuss and come to an agreement on a few things. The first being: what does the term ‘having sex’ mean to you? Is it flirting, intercourse, oral sex, self pleasuring? Until you can figure this out, it’s almost impossible to go to step two.

Next you need to set boundaries on what is acceptable behavior within your partner’s online relationship(s) and personal relationship.

Then go online together, just once, to see what it’s about. That way when you have your ‘relationship communication’, it will be infinitely easier to set those all important boundaries.

What if they go online all the time?
So there you are, in the bedroom willing and wanting to have time together and your partner is busy jacking-off in front of their computer. All the time. This is where you need to sit down and have a frank conversation about how your partner’s behavior is affecting your relationship happiness. If the conversations just aren’t working, it’s time to seek out counseling.

Is it the sex or the secrecy?
I believe it’s the secrecy of your partner engaging in virtual sex that causes the majority of difficulty—if not devastation—to a relationship. I appreciate that it’s difficult to bring up that you want to dabble in cyber sex, but it’s even more difficult to try and resolve an issue of mistrust.

Last word on cyber sex
Believe it or not there are many benefits to cyber sex. Not only is it safe sex, it’s an easy way for someone to discover a hidden desire and become less sexually inhibited. As well, if you think you might want to try out a sexual fantasy, it’s a safe way to see if it suits you.

Perhaps one day, cyber sex might become as acceptable as fantasy or role play; another safe sex way to titillate the imagination. My guess is, however, it will be many, many years before that happens.

Related
Is Cyber Sex Cheating? [Video]
Sexually Adventurous Much More Sexually Satisfied
Are You Tolerant of Sexual Fetishes?

This conundrum struck me while reading the Maclean’s article, “Why Sex Appeal Trumps an M.B.A” by Catherine Hakim former Senior Research Fellow for the London School of Economics. The article featured her newest book, Honey Money: The Power of Erotic Capital.

According to Hakim, “If women exploited their sex appeal when climbing the corporate ladder, they would be way ahead of men.” She is, of course, is stirring the feminist pot and yet I believe a lot of what she espouses to be true.

To stir the pot even further and add to her theory, I believe women lose a lot of their so called ‘Erotic Capital’ once they become moms.

Esther Perel’s wonderful book, Mating in Captivity, talks about how North American men, generally, see pregnant women and mommies as asexual. It was only men from non-Anglo Saxon roots that would flirt with moms.

I thought it an interesting observation; that is until I became pregnant with my first child. With the first bloom of baby-bump men shifted their focus to seeing me as a “Madonna”. Then once I sported said baby on my hip, I officially became asexual.

But the full effects of becoming asexual didn’t hit home until six months after giving birth. On a media tour (and childless) I was rushing through an airport wearing a fabulous clingy dress with smashing stiletto heels.

Was so preoccupied with not falling over as I teetered along—it had been at least a year since I wore high heels—that I almost didn’t notice men looking at me. At first I thought it a lucky one-off. But no. One fellow even stopped mid-tracks and nudged his friend.

For just a moment things went into slow motion and became surreal. I had gotten so used to being invisible to the opposite sex. Not that men didn’t find me attractive. It was more like I had a big imaginary mommy-off-limits “X” crossed out in front of me.

At first, I chastised myself for being so shallow and needing other people’s validation. But after a bit of navel gazing, I discovered it was much more than that. Somewhere, somehow, I allowed myself to be okay with being invisible; maybe even encouraged it by buying into the “well, I’m a mommy now so I come second” mentality.

You see, 95 percent of the time I’m in full-on mommy-mode. Which can only be described kindly as ‘frumpy’. This even when I’m making an effort to look nice for when I drop my child off at playschool.

I’ve been to airports with my kids in tow and I’ve not garnered even a second glance. It’s my kids who get all of the attention.

When I compare those two people rushing through the airport, frump-mom has zero Erotic Capital: clingy dress, stiletto wearing woman has a lot of Erotic Capital.

Which makes me wonder: Is it simply the change in confidence or a lack of kids that makes the difference?

It was then that I understood why so many moms no longer feel attractive/ sexy/ sexual. Even if they are. It is, in part, the acceptance of being invisible to the opposite sex when they are in full on mommy mode.

And so perhaps by genetic predisposition, once a woman bears another man’s child she loses her Erotic Capital. But the bigger question remains is this a part of the reason why women aren’t able to earn as much once they become moms?

I don’t have that answer. Just stirring the pot to see what comes of it.

Related Blogs
Still a Double Standard for Women’s Sexuality
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Dr. Trina Read is a leading relationship and sexual health expert and educator. She is a best selling author, media expert, syndicated blogger, international speaker, magazine columnist, and spokeswoman. Sign up for your free monthly newsletter filled with expert videos, articles, blogs and podcasts at Best Sex Tips Ever.com. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook

For those who haven’t heard of this book, it’s an erotica book cloaked in a ‘love story’. Christian Grey wants to dominate young and innocent Anastasia, and he wants her to be his submissive.

How do you explain to people who don’t believe fantasy is a good thing that a book about BDSM fantasy is an okay read? Not easy. But this interview, in my opinion, is everything that is ‘wrong’ with how our society acts and reacts to things that are outside the heterosexual-monogamous sex box.

And they brought in some heavy hitters to discuss this book. A clip of Dr. Laura Berman came on first and she explained that women do want and like the ‘bodice ripping’ type of fantasy.

Back in The Today studio, Host Savannah Gunthrie turned to her guest and wanted validation that the novel is “extremely disturbing” and that it is, “quite frankly, violence against women”.

First she asked Dr. Logan Levkoff who disagreed with Savannah that the book was ‘disturbing’ and then went on to talk about how fantasy and erotica are healthy. Not getting the response she wanted, Savannah then turned her attention to Dr. Drew Pinsky who was also “disturbed” and felt this novel, “went beyond fantasy and into actual violence against women.”

On the heels of this interview, Dr. Drew appeared on HLN with his wife—who loved the book—and brought out the fancy technical word, “pathology” to describe the sexual experience in this book. Pulease!

I just can’t understand why after having a long-running radio program and many TV shows on the topic of sex, Dr. Drew is so completely sex-negative. The only thing I can surmise is that he is pandering to the media, because the average American still believes this type of thing is morally wrong. It’s truly a shame the way he’s selling out to make a buck. Watch Canada.com video.

Now don’t get me wrong, this type of read isn’t for everyone. From the Amazon.com reviews, it’s clear that readers either love Fifty Shades of Grey or they hate it. And it probably has to do with the book being based in the world of BDSM (bondage discipline sado masochism).

What I think is interesting is how the American press is vilifying this type of female fantasy—again. In 1973 Nancy Friday gathered women’s fantasies and published My Secret Garden. Many of these average gal’s fantasies were about being dominated—just like Anastasia.

Similar to Fifty Shades of Grey there was a big outrage by the press saying it was ‘harmful’ to women.

Over 250,000 (and counting) of women have bought this book showing that some women really love this type of fantasy. It turns them on and makes them feel sexy and sexual.

Being titillated by erotica is as natural as breathing, and an incredibly easy way to get turned on.

If Fifty Shades of Grey doesn’t appeal to you, please don’t give up on erotica. This book may not be your thing, but there are a lot of other story lines that will appeal to you. Click here to read a hot little something, by Richard K. Monroe. (Here’s a second story if you liked that!)

And for the sake of women’s sexual emancipation world wide—sorry to be dramatic, but I feel that strongly—simply ignore the media and Dr. Drew when they tell you that it is harmful. It’s not.

You reading erotica and being sexually titillated is good…VERY good.

Read Richard Monroe’s (toe curling) Erotica
911
Late At The Office

Listen to Audio Erotic Stories
Nude HouseKeeping
The Pick-up Artist
Paint Me
Rags to Riches
A Little Off Base

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Dr. Trina Read is a leading relationship and sexual health expert and educator. She is a best selling author, media expert, syndicated blogger, international speaker, magazine columnist, and spokeswoman. Sign up for your free monthly newsletter filled with expert videos, articles, blogs and podcasts at Best Sex Tips Ever.com. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook

“More. Uh huh. More.”

“Right there, baby.”

Do these sound familiar? They aren’t just lovemaking sounds. They are what fancy sex researchers like to call Copulatory Vocalizations.

And according a recent study, women use these sounds very strategically during various love making activities.

But let’s discuss some background first…

Humans ain’t the only ones to make these love noises. Many primates make these sounds but here’s the catch. It’s usually just the female primate who makes these sounds.

And why does she make these sounds? Well for a number of reasons that stem from the main purpose of communicating to others nearby that sexual activity is taking place. Apparently most animals don’t have a designated smoosh room.

Some other reasons: strengthen the bond between the pair, incite male-male competition (maybe you have a male roommate who you like to be noisy for?), increase chances of the female mating with another dominant male, and/or simply to mate with additional males.

But back to those noisy human females.

In this particular study, 71 women recruited from the community (aged 18-48, average age 21yrs) were surveyed about their various orgasm tendencies….such as:

- Which methods lead to orgasm (masturbation alone or by partner, oral sex, manual stimulation during intercourse, manual stimulation from partner, penetration itself)

- when orgasm achieved (during foreplay, intercourse before partner orgasms/same time/after partner orgasms, during afterplay)

- sounds made – silence, moan/groan, scream/shriek/squeal, words (partner’s name, “yes”), instructional commands (“more”)

- when sounds made (when they knew they were not going to orgasm, to speed things up, to encourage partner’s climax, to terminate intercourse)

And what do these women say? Well, orgasm is most likely to occur during self-manipulation, manipulation by partner, oral sex by male partner, and least often by vaginal penetration.

This can’t really be new information any more, can it?

But, sounds peak right before male ejaculation even though that is the least likely time (during vaginal penetration) that orgasm is likely to happen for women.

She says: “Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby.”

She means: Damnit. Guess I’m not orgasming again tonight.

Well 66% (remember the sample was only 71 women) reported making sounds to speed up their partner’s ejaculation due to discomfort/pain, boredom and fatigue. I think copulatory vocalizations are positively correlated with jack hammering.

80% of women make noises when they know they aren’t going to orgasm. Sad face.

87% use these sounds to boost their partner’s self-esteem and 92% believe that they do.

So moral of the story: Use instructional copulatory vocalizations (think more, harder, to the left, don’t stop) to tell a partner what he/she/they can do to tell you achieve the big O.

Or help yourself. Just a thought.

Other Jocelyn Wentland Articles
Would You Date a Bisexual?
Casual Sex is Now the Norm
Women (and men) STOP Faking Orgasm

Jocelyn Wentland is a Sex Researcher, PhD student at the University of Ottawa. You will find her blogs are sexual, risqué (she likes to push the envelope), potentially offending, fun, but most of all, real. Read more of Jocelyn’s blog at SexResearchandTheCity.com and follow her on Twitter.

New Year’s resolutions are great. They can be a catalyst for a lot of positive change–and they can also fizzle out within a month. I get the feeling that maybe you’d like to experiment with a few new tricks while adding some new sexual behaviors to your long term repertoire to keep things fresh.

You can do this by doing two things:
1) Figure out where to push the boundaries and where to leave them
2) Do something, ANYTHING different.

First off, don’t make the mistake of going over board too quickly. For instance, if the both of you know you want to keep things monogamous, I wouldn’t suggest you bringing a third party into bed. Or, if he knows you hate to watch yourself on video, he shouldn’t go videotaping your sex romps without you knowing.

However, people tend to find a lot more negotiable in their sex lives than they realized when they start to talk about it with their partners honestly. So, you might begin by planning a special night together with him and bring up the issue over a sexy dinner. I understand that you may need to initiate this first foray into the sexually explorative discussion but sex (usually, unless your masturbating by yourself) is a two way street. Part of what he needs to buy into during this discussion is his own responsibility in this relationship to turn up the heat as well. The issue is not your issue alone.

What you’ll both need to find out is what turn’s you on at the core. What do you respond to sexually without even thinking? And don’t rule out acts that you would consider socially unacceptable–rape fantasies rank among the most common fantasies for women–obviously you’d play this one out within reason. If you can’t think of anything off hand, rent/buy some erotic videos with varying themes and see what your body (and your mind) responds to. This can be a great way for the both of you to get conscious about what gets you off and it can also be a fun way to lead to a little sex play in front of the tellie.

Once you get a few ideas together, talk out the top one or two behaviors that you both seem most interested in. Granted, you both may find you have different erotic interests. But if you both discuss your favorites you can both figure out how far you’re willing to go to fill one another’s fantasy. An example might be that he’d love to try anal sex with you but you’re not into the idea of jumping right in to full penal/anal penetration. Why not then, buy a good lube a couple of non-intimidating anal toys to play with? Decide that you’ll initially only play on the outside of the anus and then maybe (if you’re comfortable) graduate up to finger insertion.

Maybe he’s a control freak but you’ve always wanted to tie him up and experiment with a little S&M. Negotiate what his limits are. There are many accoutrements now that allow for ‘light’ S&M play; satiny sashes that don’t tie too tightly and soft, playful whips. Just be sure you both decide on a ‘safe word’ that let’s you each know when you’re seriously done playing–many people like to say “no” or “don’t” as apart of the sex play. A safe word should be a word not normally used during sex…perhaps something as random as “kumquat” or “constellation”.

As mentioned the whole point is to do anything different. So, whether it’s even having sex in different rooms of your house or deciding to have regular sex dates–it doesn’t have to be a profound change–just a change. Some changes may stick and others may not but the point is you’re both making an effort to preserve the health of your sexual relationship. The fun part may just be in trying something new, even if it doesn’t work out. In fact, every New Year you may want to sit down with your partner and have your ritual dinner to come up with a kinky thing or two to do to keep each year as fresh as your first year together.

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Dr. Kat is a Clinical Sexologist Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing in the field of counseling since 1994. In addition to her training in Marriage, Family and Addictions, she has extensive sexuality training. Find out more at: Dr.Kat.com

Dear Dr. Brian,
I’ve heard some girls like anal sex. What could they get from that? Wouldn’t that miss all their girly parts?
Anally Oblivious

Dear Anally Oblivious,
Yeah AO, most people have already heard why guys might like getting their A-Spot (prostate gland) tickled by a penis, dildo, or finger, but a lot of you have no idea why a girl might enjoy getting her anus or rectum played with.

Just like for boys, a girl’s anus has a ton of nerve endings making this area super sensitive to stimulation. A little anal massage could send your lady lover over the edge.

The rectum and vagina also share an internal wall together. And, those all important vaginal nerve endings are sometimes easier to ‘connect with’ from the back side.

A women’s G-Spot can also be stimulated from the rectum. Remember, that the G-spot is analogous to the male prostate gland, which is easily stimulated through the anus. Many women have amazing G-Spot orgasms through anal sex.

A woman can also have an anal orgasm. This is distinct and different from a clitoral, vaginal, or G-Spot orgasm. This too, makes anal sex fun for girls.

Further, when a man or woman orgasms, they have contractions that is also felt in their rectum. This whole pelvic region has lots of pleasurable zones that makes it fun.

So AO, anal sex might not be your cup of tea, but some girls totally get off on it. It’s best not to judge. Everyone has different likes and dislikes in and out of the bedroom.

Best regards, Dr. Brian Parker

Dr. Brian Parker is the creator of Embrace board game. He also is owner of ForeverPleasure.com an on-line adult store that sells the very best product.

Recently I had quite an interesting conversation with a girlfriend of mine. She was stuck somewhat between a rock and a hard place because she was wondering if it was always necessary to confess that one had cheated. If you cheated, did you always have to tell? Is it alright to wriggle out of an affair without confessing to your partner what had been done?

Having counselled with a number of individuals/couples on this very volatile issue of infidelity, I knew off-hand that it can be complicated. People cheat for a variety of reasons. Some do it out of retaliation because their own partner has cheated, others are motivated by a need for sexual variety and excitement, others long for the unconditional emotional support which a lover often brings, or for some, cheating is a response to a bothersome mid-life crisis or to feelings of low self-esteem. Whatever the reason, cheating seems to be a fairly prevalent practice in all types of relationships. It is found among the married, the engaged, among those who live together and even among those who try to practice serial monogamy.

But how do we generally respond to the reality of cheating? Instinctively, we know, for the most part, that our committed relationships should be defined by sexual exclusivity. Even the players know this. Why else would they seek to sharpen their “gaming” skills? Why else would some seek to make an episode of cheating a secret? When we have vowed “to have and to hold from this day forward” we know that that basically comes down to placing and keeping all of our sexual eggs in one basket as it were, with no sharing allowed!

Even before marriage enters the picture, we don’t expect that our partner will have sex with someone else. Cheating is a big issue because sex is a big issue; just ask any of the individuals plagued today by HIV or some other sexually transmitted disease. You can’t get much bigger than your very life being threatened. If this were not the case, we could easily come back from a night out with the girls or boys to say to our partner “You would never guess, but I just had the most amazing sex with someone I met at a bar/your best friend/my ex”. Sounds fairly ridiculous doesn’t it? Of course it does. We would never, ever venture to do this, because we know that stepping out sexually is a major, relationship-breaking issue.

Is it therefore ever okay to keep a sexual slip-up a secret? Can we cheat and forget all about it in our primary relationship? Some argue that it depends on the nature of the affair. In other words they believe that the necessity of confession is hinged upon whether or not the cheating was long-term (as in repeat offenses), whether it was emotional and sexual, or on whether it was relationship-based as opposed to a one night stand. Some relationship gurus will suggest that each individual or couple has to know what is right for them and that there are no simplistic, cart-blanche answers when it comes to the confession of sexual impropriety.

With respect to my girl-friend, she admitted to knowing of several relationships where the cheating was kept a secret, the external relationship brought to an end and the primary relationship continued as if nothing had happened. From the outside this looked like a win-win situation to her. In other words the offending partner did what was needed; she ended the affair but kept the incriminating information away from her partner in an attempt to shield him from the hurtful truth. I was not convinced.

I believe that marriage and the sexuality which forms the bedrock of such a relationship, must start out with a philosophy which will guide the state of that union. In other words, if you have vowed to commit and to be sexually exclusive you can’t very well have your cake and eat it too. Something has got to give. The “philosophy” or guiding principles, or values of the union (whatever you choose to call it) sets certain parameters in place. It allows us to set boundaries that should, on a good day, guard or protect the union from harm.

Now although I do believe in the sanctity of marriage and the seriousness of the vows made, the mindset of faithfulness and exclusivity must be embedded long before an individual says “I do”; that is why these principles apply to couples who are also not married whether or not sex is involved.

If you can’t live within a mindset of faithfulness before marriage occurs, chances are you will not adopt such an approach after marriage. As much as I believe in great sex and tout its importance to a good marriage, the relationship must be pursued for the sake of the person, not for the sake of the sex. This mindset allows us to put our partner’s needs before our own. We operate for the “greater good” of the relationship and this ensures that our actions are guided by integrity and not selfishness or a need for personal aggrandizement at any cost.

When we “prefer” our partner’s needs before our own, then we are acting out of selflessness which is a true hallmark of love and commitment. And of course this sounds pretty lofty and idealistic and outside the reach of normal mortals who often can’t reconcile their own ambivalence about their sexuality. How do we “prefer” our partner’s needs when the language of today’s sexual revolution focuses on me, myself and I. Let’s face it, sex today is all about my pleasure, my orgasm, my vibrator, my fantasy, my lover, my libido, my kinky tricks, my sexual style or profile and precious little is dedicated to any idea of selflessness. Actually selflessness as applied to a sexual relationship sounds about as boring as rye bread with unsalted butter!

But we’ve done a complete circumlocution and come right back to the beginning of our discussion; should we kiss and tell? If you’ve been listening keenly to what I have been saying, then you will know that if we are guided by principles of integrity (respecting our partner’s needs first and the greater good of the relationship), then we will know that it is wrong to stay quiet about as serious an issue as infidelity. If we have slipped up sexually, or down for that matter, then we must have the courage to confess.

By its very nature, infidelity interrupts the flow of intimacy and the feelings of goodwill that should characterize a special relationship. If I were foolish enough to venture into a store and take something that was not mine, I would be guilty of committing a crime or a felon. Whether or not I was discovered by the store Manager or the Police, I still stand guilty of a crime because basically, I did it. The same stands true in relationships. Once you’ve cheated, you have committed a crime against that relationship and whether or not your partner discovers the ugly truth, you are guilty of undermining the integrity of the union. And what we know from history and experience, is that what we fail to deal with or unearth, very often comes back to haunt us in the future.

A lie or deception between a couple will continue to erect barriers which will impede on the couple’s intimacy. One partner may sense a distancing in the relationship without being able to identify the source. This often occurs when there is divided loyalty as occurs in an active affair or if an affair was never confessed.

If we truly want to be free to love and to enjoy the toe-curling sex that is born out of openness and honesty, then we must be bold enough to set the sexual record straight and ask forgiveness. Although there are no guarantees that the relationship will survive, hopefully we will find eventual peace in knowing that we have done the right thing. And by the way, my girlfriend discovered this too.
© Denise J Charles 2011

Denise J Charles easily describes herself as the quintessential Renaissance woman with her hands in many pies. She is a wife and mother of three sons, an educator who has taught from High School to University, a performance poet, Artistic Director, published author, blogger, counselor and relationship coach. She is a qualified “trainer of trainers” and also holds a Master’s Degree in Education. Denise is from the beautiful island of Barbados. You can find Denise’s thoughts on sex and sexuality on her blog Red Red Apples (http://redredapples.wordpress.com/).

Dr. Trina’s Answer
Take heart that you’re not alone. Research suggests that 37 percent of people who take antidepressants experience everything from decreased libido to increased time reaching orgasm.

Here’s a few suggestions that may help.
Talk with your doctor
There are a range of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and some are less problematic. You may be able to switch to a similar medication with fewer side effects. Also try: lowering the dose; scheduling the time you take the drug around sex; or adding another drug to counteract side effects.

Change your perspective
Think about how sex was before this drug. You probably didn’t feel at all sexy or sexual. Now after addressing your health concerns you’re interested in sex. Hoorah! So in a round about way, your libido has actually increased.

Have a heart-to-heart
Chances are your partner is happy you’re feeling well and is empathetic about possible side effects. Talking about how you’re going to work together to cope with any changes.

Great Sex Tip
Sometimes the sexual effects will be welcomed. Men who are premature ejaculators might now experience delayed ejaculation.

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There are couples who love to have great sex, and I mean with a capital L. There is however one condition. They only want to have that great sex with the person to whom they are committed. Sex for such individuals is not an end in itself. It‟s not a case of “any sex will do”. They are not into trading vaginas and penises for their own personal aggrandizement. Do such couples experience boredom in the bedroom? Of course! Their boredom could be as palpable as the next guys. What distinguishes their response however is their level of commitment to the relationship and their intuitive understanding of the value of a good sex-life to the health of the relationship. Because they understand the basics of relational health, they are therefore willing to put in the extra work to alleviate the bedroom blues. They also understand that love is really about putting the needs of another individual before their own. This means that if each partner focuses on what to do to please the other sexually, then the result is likely to be one sexually fulfilled couple.

Regardless of the response mode you and your spouse may have found yourselves in when it comes to the bedroom blues, the following tips represent a starting point for your continued sexual renewal as a couple:

Schedule lovemaking sessions; especially when there are kids around. This ensures that sexual intimacy becomes as regular a part of your couple‟s repertoire as taking a shower is to the individual.

Don’t underestimate the power of the quickie. Yes the long, drawn out, steamy, lovemaking sessions a la Hollywood and the romance novel may be well known to some of us, but a short, sweet sexual encounter may be better than none at all.

Get deliberately creative. Using the powers of imagination from time to time can always add flavour to the love-life. This may involve using sexy lingerie, silk boxers and other little tricks like scented candles, fragrant oils, music, feathers, flavoured condoms, satin sheets, carefully positioned mirrors and you get my drift I’m sure.

Cultivate a ‘touchy-feely’ relationship. Couples who understand how to be physically demonstrative to each other outside of the bedroom get to preserve a certain level of sexual tension which just goes kaboom when they come together.

Have a regular date-night. Spending time together regularly in other social settings helps an individual to see his/her partner in a different light. Taking the effort to dress up and go out together sends a powerful message that the individual is not being taken for granted.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Couples who fail to share what they really feel about their love-life run the risk of harbouring anger and resentment which can contribute to further rifts in the relationship. It is important for couples to practice emotional intimacy if they expect to have great sexual intimacy. This comes only through honesty, openness and a shared vulnerability.

Have lots of sex. Scientific studies have proven that the more sex we have the more sex we want. So there is perhaps no greater way to jump-start a flagging sex life that with some attempt at a sexual marathon (of course not forever but just so you could get those hormones racing again). Couples could perhaps set themselves an attainable sexual goal as an experiment or a challenge; for example, sex everyday for five or seven straight days. According to researchers, this is guaranteed to straighten out those hormones and have them and other parts of of your anatomy in tip-top working condition.
© Denise J Charles 2011

Denise J Charles easily describes herself as the quintessential Renaissance woman with her hands in many pies. She is a wife and mother of three sons, an educator who has taught from High School to University, a performance poet, Artistic Director, published author, blogger, counselor and relationship coach. She is a qualified “trainer of trainers” and also holds a Master’s Degree in Education. Denise is from the beautiful island of Barbados. You can find Denise’s thoughts on sex and sexuality on her blog Red Red Apples (http://redredapples.wordpress.com/).