Dr. Trina’s Answer:
The rules around dirty talk: Start small and go slow.
Talking about sex is something most people don’t have any practice at. So it’s the lack of practice that is making you nervous.

Before the sexual encounter practice what you are going to say: you may feel stupid doing it, but you’ll be amazed how difficult it can be to easily say things the first few times.

After a bit of practice you can venture into your sexual encounter and say something small like: “I want to tear your clothes off.” That’s all you need to do the first time.

The next time add to your dialogue, “I want to tear your clothes off and scratch my nails down your back.” And so on.

By building up your dirty talk repertoire slowly, it will give you the much needed confidence to try new ideas. Then one day you’ll be talking dirty like a pro.

Ann Douglas: What kind of effect are online flirtations having on couple relationships? What advice do you offer to couples who want to have fun in social spaces but don’t want to torpedo their own relationships?

Dr. Trina: My best advice is: if you can’t tell your partner what you’re up to then don’t do it. If you can chat easily about the flirtation then it should be okay.

I would suggest never do anything outside of your relationship in secrecy. It’s only going to blow up in your face—even if what you are doing is perfectly innocent. Secrecy is seen, justifiably, as lying.

Every partnership has their own value system around what constitutes an acceptable flirtation. You need to have a conversation with your partner with what is acceptable and not acceptable. Once the ground rules are set, flirtations become easy.

Chris: What’s the difference between single woman sex and married woman sex?
My Answer: When you think about how the average person learns to have sex, it was a short time period encompassing a small amount of knowledge. That limited learning is what we take and use for the rest of our lives. This single-sex formula works great when we are single for a number of reasons. However, once we get into our long term relationship, it stops working—especially for millions of women.

What the happily ever after people neglected to tell the average couple is they need to have a different type of sex—married-sex. Luckily, the transition from single-sex to married-sex doesn’t have to be difficult.

Chris:You think that good married sex goes beyond the orgasm-why?
My Answer: Men and women were told that because a woman can have an orgasm, she will be sexually satiated. It’s my experience that many women can and do consistently have an orgasm during the sexual experience and yet she is not sexually satisfied once the sex is over. Therefore, there must be more to the sex than having an orgasm.

Women need to feel that when they walk into the bedroom, they will be nurtured. Single-sex rarely provides the nurturing she needs.

Glow Magazine Reader Question
“I dreamt that I cheated on my boyfriend with an ex and I feel awful! What does this mean?”

My Response
It’s not just men having wet dreams—women have sex dreams too. Some dreams get so hot and heavy women can achieve orgasm…hopefully she remembers when she wakes up. Otherwise she’ll wake up feeling pleasant and won’t know why. Shame really.

This dream is probably your way of living out a fantasy—although you’ve probably never acknowledged this fantasy as you’re having a hard time reconciling it now.

The “having sex with someone else” fantasy (with your ex or whomever) is a fairly common fantasy—close your eyes and think of Brad Pitt when doing the nasty is a nice way to spend the evening. And hey why not? The idea of a secret liaison is a dangerous, living on the edge way to fill the gaps of an otherwise ordinary life. Nothing wrong with feeling extremely sexy and erotic.

So the best piece of advice I can give around guilt felt around any fantasy is: fantasy is not reality. Many people fantasize about crazy, wild sex that intellectually they understand will never happen (i.e. a threesome).

It doesn’t mean you cheated on your partner by fantasizing having sex with your ex. It simply means having sex with someone else is a turn on for you. If you actually went and had sex with your ex, that would make everything complicated. But it doesn’t sound like that is going to happen.

It’s better not to tell your boyfriend about your fantasy. Although I never condone lying, some things are better left unsaid. However, if the guilt is eating away at you, clear the air and tell your boyfriend.

“Is there any contraceptive buying etiquette? It just seems unfair that birth control costs so much more than condoms!”

I haven’t heard of any birth control etiquette per se, however common sense can direct this situation.

If you’re single and have just started seeing your beau, it’s up to each individual to provide birth control. No splitting of cost.

Unless they’ve shown you a recent certificate of health, in the first stages of a relationship you should always be using condoms to protect against STIs—even if they’re a really nice person and you’re sure they don’t have anything…use a condom.

When the relationship becomes long term relationship, absolutely birth control costs need to be split. Bring up with him that the birth control pill is expensive and it’s half of his responsibility. That can go both ways—the female can help pay or have a stash of her own condoms.

Here’s the first reader question Glow asked me to answer.

Glow Reader Question:“I dreamt that I cheated on my boyfriend with an ex and I feel awful! What does this mean?”

My Response:
It’s not just men having wet dreams—women have sex dreams too. Some dreams get so hot and heavy women can achieve orgasm…hopefully she remembers when she wakes up. Otherwise she’ll wake up feeling pleasant and won’t know why. Shame really.

This dream is probably your way of living out a fantasy—although you’ve probably never acknowledged this fantasy as you’re having a hard time reconciling it now.

The “having sex with someone else” fantasy (with your ex or whomever) is a fairly common fantasy—close your eyes and think of Brad Pitt when doing the nasty is a nice way to spend the evening. And hey why not? The idea of a secret liaison is a dangerous, living on the edge way to fill the gaps of an otherwise ordinary life. Nothing wrong with feeling extremely sexy and erotic.

So the best piece of advice I can give around guilt felt around any fantasy is: fantasy is not reality. Many people fantasize about crazy, wild sex that intellectually they understand will never happen (i.e. a threesome).

It doesn’t mean you cheated on your partner by fantasizing having sex with your ex. It simply means having sex with someone else is a turn on for you. If you actually went and had sex with your ex, that would make everything complicated. But it doesn’t sound like that is going to happen.

It’s better not to tell your boyfriend about your fantasy. Although I never condone lying, some things are better left unsaid. However, if the guilt is eating away at you, clear the air and tell your boyfriend.

We live in a very sexualized society. In the last twenty five years we’ve come to value part of our self worth based on our sexuality and sexiness.

With women’s emancipation the ideal that sex was her wifely duty was tossed. She was given her orgasm and expected to enjoy sex with her sexual encounter—even though her burden was doubled with work and home life. It’s a sad paradox that there is so much expectation on how couples are expected to enjoy sex in order to keep up with the Jone’s.

So, yes, I do believe couples have WAY too many unrealistic expectations around sex. But then again, I’d be out of a job if they didn’t.

It’s important for couples to realize that sex is an ever evolving entity. Unfortunately, most couples force and keep a static, “we must have sex once a week in order to meet average couple standards”.

Generally though, after two years, it takes a woman a minimum fifteen minutes for her body to become sufficiently aroused. That is if she doesn’t have a million and one things going on in her head—her amygdale will disable her body from becoming fully aroused until she is able to check off everything on her to-do list. So for run of the mill, garden variety sex, at least twenty to thirty minutes. (The average couple’s sex lasts for ten to fifteen minutes meaning that the average gal is not sufficiently aroused when intercourse starts.)

HOWEVER, when a couple is in the zone and can’t wait to rip each other’s clothes off, great sex can be hard and fast up against the wall.

My answer to you is: generally a minimum 20 minutes but sometimes it will take longer or sometimes be a quickie. It’s really where a couple is their head and relationship.

Why do we think it has to take hours—and does this affect the amount of sex we have? Because every sex expert preaches, “foreplay, foreplay, foreplay.” People automatically think great sex needs to includes, baths, massages, candles, etc. And it certainly doesn’t hurt, but planning and executing takes a lot of time.

Therefore, the best foreplay is keeping intimacy alive outside the bedroom so you don’t have to go to all the work to get reconnected inside the bedroom.

So no, a kiss is not meant, and should never mean “this is the first step to us having sex”. In fact, sadly, too many couples get caught in the trap of, “the only time we kiss is when sex is initiated”. Making women cringe when her partner kisses her—very bad couple dynamic.

How does it make us healthier as a couple?
ANY intimacy outside the bedroom that doesn’t lead to “we must have sex inside the bedroom” is an extremely healthy couple dynamic.

When couples can consciously kiss each other every day with no sex-strings attached, it will make getting in the mood for sex infinitely easier.

How or why does it make us feel less stressed?
Kissing releases oxytocin—men have it too—helping couples feel closer and more intimate. This brain chemical decreases corticosterone and other stress hormones and helps lower blood pressure.

Women’s response to kissing is amplified due to her estrogen (especially when she is ovulating—when she is peaking in her estrogen levels) and are more responsive to the intimate touch (the reason every sex expert preaches, “foreplay, foreplay, foreplay”).

(An orgasm produces a spike and more than two times the normal level of oxytocin, accounting for the calming after sex glow.)

Is there anything unusual about kissing and health that you’ve come across in your work?
Soon after a relationship is established, people don’t give oral hygiene as much thought as they should. Bad breath being a mitigating factor in why a lot of couples stop kissing.

Great interview with some thought provoking questions. Here’s what Caroline and I talked about.

Self Magazine
The subject is how life changes affect your sex life. Everything from little switches (hair color, bikini wax) to life shifts (new baby, moving to a new city) can and has altered my sex life with my husband and I don’t think I’m the only one who has experienced such reverberations. A few questions
Is this common?
Dr. Trina’s response
Very common.
Positive things where you take care of yourself (hair color, bikini wax) will see you being more willing to have sex. Bigger life changes where new habits/ way of life needs to be learned will negatively affect the sex.

Self Magazine
Is it normal for a couple to experience such swings in their sex life over the course of their relationship? Why or why not?
Dr. Trina’s response
Swings are normal.
Why? Over the course of a relationship, sometimes you want to be a couple and sometimes you want to be an individual. When a person is in a period of “self-growth”, they will naturally pull away and want less intimacy, touch and sex.
However, it’s important to realize that in the last 25 years a big part of people’s self worth is measured by their sexual prowess. So although it is natural to feel asexual for periods, there is now a big component of shame that is attached to not being super sexual.
Plus, these ebbs and flows are confusing because sex is effortless for the first two years and couples get into the habit of putting their sex on cruise control. When the bigger life events occur, spontaneous sex turns into a very difficult thing to keep on top of.

Self Magazine
Is it healthy?
Dr. Trina’s response
If dealt with properly, absolutely. Coming together and having great sex after a long sex-drought can be immensely satisfying on so many levels. It also gives couples that feeling of, “we’ve made it through that dry patch and we’re better than ever”, solidifying the relationship. Intimacy deepens.
If not dealt with properly (i.e. proactive communication), it can spell disaster. Too many couples get into bad sex habits and even worse fights; making sex and each other the enemy. Not a good formula for resurrecting sex.

Self Magazine
Should your sex life be fundamentally solid and not be too affected by life shifts, or is it a good sign that your sex life can be fluid and changing?
Dr. Trina’s response
I know couples whose sex life is solid through the good and bad times, and they are the exception.
For the rest, they need to figure out their internal sexual rhythm. Sexual rhythm is exactly what you’re speaking about—that as life goes by the couple will experience times where they will want a lot of sex and times when they will not.
When a couple knows there will be a major change, they need to be proactive about and discuss what and how their sex will look like for the next six months to a year. Once the year is up, they need to have another discussion.

Self Magazine
What’s the best way to handle these changes?
Dr. Trina’s response
Communication, communication, communication. Sitting down and honestly, openly discussing what sex is going to be like. Going into the conversation with an understanding that both partners have needs and both need to compromise to achieve a healthy balance of intimacy and sex.

Self Magazine
Should you discuss this with your partner? Why or why not?
Dr. Trina’s response
Good sex is built on the foundation of good communication. Discussion is the make it or break it to making this work.
The good news: having an ongoing dialogue over the six months to a year will quell any frustration and resentment, allow for inside jokes and create a better intimacy outside the bedroom.

Self Magazine
How can you get back on track, assuming you have gotten off the way you want?
Dr. Trina’s response
Initiating sex in a stalled relationship is probably the most challenging of all scenarios. Couples simply don’t know how or where to start. It is compounded if the couple has had fights around sex so when sex is initiated there are feelings of anxiety, guilt and resentment by both. Sex in no longer about intercourse it’s about all the negative baggage that is being carried around.

Self Magazine
Can it be an opportunity for growth and getting closer to your partner?
Dr. Trina’s response
This can really be a cross roads for the couple. They can go down the road of believing sex is a static once a week situation and end up with huge frustrations and resentments; or realize that sometimes there will be periods of no sex, periods of lots of sex and periods where they have sex once a week.

Self Magazine
Are some changes harder to persevere through than others? Why or why not?
Dr. Trina’s response
Having one or more children is probably most difficult because the couple becomes a love triangle. It really is no different from polyamory; the couple is sharing love and intimacy with a third party. It takes a lot more adjustment, compromise and communication when children come on the scene.

Self Magazine
What advice would you give to a couple who came to you, requesting help for getting their sex life back after a life change (like relocating to a different city) hindered their sex life?
Dr. Trina’s response
The core of sex and intercourse is about staying intimately connected (yes, even for men). During times of change it is imperative the couple create daily intimacy. That way, the couple doesn’t feel like they are missing out when sexual intercourse is sporadic.
Three easy 30-second things to do every day:
(1) Make sure to touch your partner in a non-sexual way every day. Touching floods your brain with oxytocin. For women the effects of touching is amplified by her estrogen.
(2) Make your partner right at least once a day. During change we tend to turn our frustrations onto our partner. It’s important that you remind yourself that you’ve made a good choice. And after a long day, it’s really nice to hear good things being said instead of pick, pick, picking at each other.
(3) Look into each other’s eyes and kiss. Quick, easy connection time that can unexpectedly light a spark of desire.

If you want to take it up a notch…
The best advice I can give is to have sex every day for seven days. Initially some couples are shocked by the thought. However, it gets couples out of a lot of their built-up sex ruts and helps them starts a new chapter in their sexual adventures.