Then as we passed by a house, a loud scream ripped us from our lovey-dovey reverie. Confused at first, it became apparent—to me—that the ‘scream’ was a woman having very energetic sex.

Giggling, I looked at my husband who also looked confused—which made me laugh even harder. As the realization of what was going on came over him, I witnessed a myriad of emotions. First amusement, then embarrassment and then sadness.

My giggles turned into a half-hearted nervous titter. We hadn’t had that kind of loud sex for a very, very long time. Not knowing what to say, I said as much to him.

“I don’t think we ever had loud sex,” he countered.

Flashbacks of noisy and uninhibited sex—at least noisy and uninhibited for me—where our bedroom window was open and I didn’t care if our harmless but slightly creepy neighbor could hear what was going on.

Defensively I chirped in, “You have such a selective memory.”

Realizing he had made a major faux pas that might cost him sex this week, he backed up and countered with, “Well, we were never had sex that loud.”

I backed down too. It was a mute point to fight about rambunctious sex since we both knew we wouldn’t be having some anytime soon.

Trying to lighten the mood I offered, “I did a radio interview where the announcer confided on air, ‘I once had sex with a really loud woman and during the sex I thought, ‘I’m good…but I’m not that good.’”

My husband (thankfully) laughed and added in his analytical fashion, “Yes, the level of noise has to be the same by both participants. Otherwise, the person’s who’s making less noise starts gets distracted.”

I couldn’t help but wonder when or if the days of loud sex were over for us. We used to have sex during afternoon naps but now my toddler has grown out of taking them.

As hope springs eternal, I sometimes daydream that maybe, just maybe this year we can take a parent’s only holiday. Hotel sex is supposed to be loud.

Dr. Trina’s Response: There’s a reason sleep is considered the new sex: exhaustion is very real and a big concern for couples. Generally though, being tired shouldn’t equate to a person’s motivation to have sex.

Unfortunately, “I’m too tired” can easily become a bad habit—saying it before you really think about whether you are or not.

Or it can be a cover up for other things that have gone wrong in the bedroom: lack of communication, build up of resentment, boring sex, the list goes on and on. Sometimes it’s easier for a couple to sidestep huge arguments by saying they are tired rather than opening that Pandora’s Box.

If you are genuinely tired, the two of you need to create more realistic expectations around what you can do to keep sex on the radar given your lifestyle and schedule.

Scheduling sex is the easiest way for a couple to keep their sex life on the radar. Research proves couples who schedule sex have more sex that is mutually satisfying.

Keep in mind, the feel good hormones that are released during sex might just be what you need for a pick-me-up…or to get to sleep faster which is also nice.

Great Sex Tip
Focus on maintaining intimacy outside the bedroom as it will fill in the lack of having sex often enough gaps.

Well this is the end of my Six Month Sex Challenge
It’s been six months since I’ve started this sex journey. My, my how time flies when you’re trying to raise two kids, work and have sex.

In a rare quiet moment, it hit me just how much has happened—from positive to negative. Flashes ranging from being so exhausted I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind; to being incredibly happy that I was making efforts; to fights over sex (god!); to extremely tender moments.

The last six months have truly has been a roller coaster ride. And I’ve learned a lot about sex after baby. Why it is just so darn difficult to have. And why it’s important to make the effort.

Here’s the twenty things I’ve learned about having sex after baby
(1) Having a decent sex life is work and takes effort. The days of spontaneous sex are over…at least for the next eighteen years.
(2) For at least the first six months, it probably won’t be the best sex of your life…or even close…
(3) There will be fights over sex, even if you’re having sex.
(4) Whatever couple challenges you didn’t resolve before baby, will ultimately be magnified once baby arrives…and it will affect a woman’s will, want and desire for sex.
(5) Sex is so much more than having intercourse. And in fact, at this juncture there is too much emphasis on sex rather than intimacy.
(6) You need to get into the habit, or at the very least communicate about sex early. The longer you leave it, the longer it will sit between the two of you like the big white elephant in the room.
(7) Unless you look for time to spend with your partner (whether you are having sex or not), it won’t happen.
(8) Finding a mutually agreed upon time—some might call this scheduled sex—like baby’s nap time is the best way to make sure sex happens.
(9) Ladies, you have to think like a man when it comes to sex: that is you’ve got to have sex on your terms and not feel guilty taking what you want.
(10) Which means you have to figure out what you want out of the sexual experience—generally it’s about being nurtured—and communicate that to your partner.
(11) When the sex is all about what you want, it will reenergize you.
(12) Having sex is not static (i.e. once a week); rather a constantly evolving entity that needs to be nurtured and respected as much as your new baby’s evolution.
(13) There will never be a perfect time to have sex.
(14) Therefore, you need to have ‘despite’ sex. Despite everything that’s going on, you’ll make an effort to make time for each other.
(15) It’s important to mix things up and bring new ideas in.
(16) All your creative energy can’t go into your kids. Some of it has to be reserved for your partnership.
(17) You can’t let excuses get in the way. It’s way too easy to say, “I’m tired” because you genuinely are tired. Soon though it may turn into an excuse you automatically use without thinking.
(18) Be careful to not consistently have five minute quickie/ ‘maintenance sex’.
(19) Sometimes sex will energize you and you will remember why it’s fun to have.
(20) It’s probably the only time you’re going to be close, so enjoy and make the most of your time together.

My next book
So of course I had to take all of this hard work and put it into a book which will, hopefully, be called Sex After Baby. I’m always looking for insights from real moms on their journey to have sex after baby. Please let me know your thoughts and you (anonymously) might be included in my book.

So this is it…for a little while
In the fall, my next blog series will be “What a girl wants” where I go in search of what can help a woman feel sensual. Please read my lips—this is not sexual, rather sensual. I feel the more a woman can get in touch with her sensual side, the easier it will be for her to turn on her natural sexual and erotic self.

Can’t wait to start trying all the things that can help me feel sensual. Oh la la! See you then.

Lesson I learned from last week—The having a baby chapter is officially closed. Ovulation sex wasn’t all that exciting anyways…don’t know why I’m sad about this.

Lingerie Part II
I once heard super model Tyra Banks explain she models lingerie differently for men (Maxim magazine), and women (Victoria Secret catalogue). She then demonstrated and it seemed quite subtle watching her move from pose to pose. I wondered if it really did make a difference.

That is until I was approached by an on-line lingerie retailer. He generously offered to ship some of his wares. As things didn’t quite work out in Week #10, I thought I’d give the lingerie thing another go.

My gut reaction when I went onto the site Sexy Lingerie Shop.com was mixed. I tried to ignore as my stomach clenched looking at the extremely sexy, somewhat risqué clothes.

“Well self,” giving myself a pep talk, “It’s time to buck up, be brave and get out of my mommy comfort zone.”

I sent the link to my husband and asked him to pick out of few items. I received an enthusiastic email back with a list—yes a list—of potential items he might want like to see me in.

Could it be the pose that turns me off?
I took a look at his list all and although they were fairly (?!?!!?) tame, my stomach still felt queasy. I tried to envision myself confidently traipsing into a room dominatrix-style and showing myself off to my husband. Appreciating it would be fantasy-come-true for him.

Yet, I just couldn’t do it.

Which left me lingerie’less with an eager husband. As a truce I said to him the next day, “Why don’t we go shopping for something?”

The shopping trip
We put the kids in the car and took off. We went to a couple of stores before we found a store that suited us both.

It was really sweet. My husband explained as he picked something, “It’s not just for a special occasion, to wear and reveal for ten minutes. I want you to have something you will feel comfortable wearing around the house. That way I can see you looking nice more often.”

When I put it on the camisole and short set, I really like how it cut me. The soft green color was flattering against my neon pale skin. I felt girly and could envision myself confidently wearing it into a room and showing it off to my husband.

It’s no where near the sexy lingerie that he initially picked out. Maybe one day I’ll get back the courage to wear the more risqué stuff. But right now, seven months after giving birth, I feel sexy in this…and, ultimately, that’s what really matters.

Lesson I learned last week: Being a little selfish can only help a new mom feel erotic.

Ovulation sex
“Hurry up! I have to leave to catch my plane in an hour,” I said while frantically pulling my husband to the bedroom. Our one-year old was unsupervised for a total of five minutes while we did the deed. Nine months later we got our second son.

Up until that point for seven years, every ovulation would bring ‘ovulation sex’. Probably the most unsexy sex a couple can have. The mom completely and utterly focused on procreation and the guy feeling like a sperm donor.

So when I started ovulating again…
I started ovulating again this week. My knee jerk reaction while sitting on the toilet and discovering the stretchy mucus between my fingers, was to run out of the bathroom pulling my pants up, while shouting to my husband who was almost out the door to work, “OMG. Quick we need to have sex. NOW!”

I stopped mid-stride after seeing a confused look cross over his face. We’ve decided that two kids are enough. (Actually it’s my decision, my husband would like another.) After my last pregnancy it’s obvious to me why 40 year olds shouldn’t push the fertility boundaries.

Yet it was only a few days until Mother’s Day and I was wistful. My two little boys are simply perfection. It’s in those moments of sentimentality—where I block out the pregnancy bit—I can’t help but wonder what a third little kid would be like.

We had sex twice this week!!!!!!
Maybe that’s why we had sex twice this week. I’m not bragging. Okay maybe just a little bit. It really feels like a milestone.

Sadly, I remember when having sex twice in less than an hour was bragging rights. I can’t help but wonder if we’ll ever again be at that place in our relationship where having sex twice in even an afternoon is still possible.

The one thing I’ve noticed
Since starting this Six Month Sex Challenge I’ve noticed the roller coaster of highs and lows my sex life (and relationship) have gone through. One week I’m gleefully having shower sex and the next sex is a no-go; or at the very least making sex work is just that, a lot of work.

Maybe this is why creating a decent sex life after baby is so difficult. The transition to the new sex rhythm is about as smooth as crunchy peanut butter.

Lesson I learned from last week: Intimacy, sex and a relationship is in constant flux after a child is born—it’s easy to feel discouraged and give up on each other. It’s most important to trudge on and make big efforts to be a couple.

It’s not an urban legend
About ten years ago a colleague of mine told me about one of her clients. She was a full time mom with three small children. When her husband would walk through the door after a full day of work, she would hand over the kids, go upstairs and transform herself from mother into wife. This, she felt, was the reason she and her husband had an incredibly erotic sex life.

Ten years ago I was single and didn’t have a clue what a maverick this mommy was. The whole idea around being erotic is selfishly taking your own pleasure. And it’s the antithesis of what society expects moms to be: selfless.

Making it all about me
Since I’ve started this challenge, I dipped my big toe into making sex about what I want every other week. There’s been zero guilt—doing what I want to do is quintessential for my (and my husband’s) sexual happiness. And we’ve both had fun.

However, ‘transforming’ myself once my husband got home seemed to take this all-about-me thing to a whole new level. Doing a complete week seemed daunting, I decided to go with three days.

First night of transformation
It was pure coincidence that we had a date night with another couple. It’s easy to get in the mind set of transforming myself to go out on a date. And it was really fun…until I came home and it was a mad dash to get two tired kids into bed. No erotic feelings there.

Second night of transformation
My two ‘darling’ kids were terrors that day. By the time my husband walked through the door I was ready to have a big martini and even bigger cry.

I handed him the kids and proceeded to the bathroom. Turned on the fan to drown out the noises of the screaming (husband) children. Took my time in the shower—what a luxury—and gave myself a facemask, and a mini pedicure. My husband, the darling, made supper and fed the kids. Not yet at erotic but definitely getting warmer.

Third day of transformation
This was the only time I truly felt guilt. I booked an appointment to get some acupuncture—for no other reason than to make me happy. My mom came over to take care of the kids; something which I only rely on if I’m working. Never, never, never for my own pleasure…hence the reason for the guilt.

As soon as I walked into the Chinese Doctor’s room, I realized just how desperately I needed someone to take care of me. It was like being lifted out of a fog. The next day I felt better than I have for a very long time.

The verdict on being selfish
And you know what? It felt really nice to be selfish. Being able to intentionally take care of me while my husband took care of everything else was an incredible revelation. Being able to be pampered was an incredible treat.

Did I feel erotic and sexy? Yes, yes, and yes. The following day we had the best sex since starting this challenge. Unbelievable how much these three days made a difference to my sex life. I will seriously look at making this happen again.

If you try this mommy/ wife transformation, please let me know what happens.

Lesson I learned from last week: There are a lot of affordable products on the market that help women emphasize sensuality. Take advantage of them!

It seemed like such a great idea…
The email from our community association landed in my in-box a month ago: I could enroll my 2 ½ year old in soccer. Visions of a happy, tired out toddler with good team skills immediately filled my head. Even more adorable was my husband decided to become a coach. Such a perfect situation….and then the reality of my situation set in…

“He’s playing twice a week…?” I looked at my husband in dismay the first night we were scrambling to get to the soccer field on time. He gave me a “holy crap what did we get ourselves into” look back.

By end of the first evening we put the kids to bed and collapsed (literally collapsed) onto the sofa. Sex? Are you kidding me? Not a chance. We barely had the energy to mop the drool escaping from our mouths.

I called my sister the next day—who has three kids…all in activities—and mentioned the soccer being “oh my god, twice a week”. There was a slight pause and my sister answered, “Just wait until both your kids are doing activities.” Many explanatives were muttered under my breath.

My sexless future flashed before my eyes. Trying to fit sex in while carting kids at least four nights a week; with my husband playing hockey four nights a week; on top of everything else that needs to get done in a week. More explanatives muttered.

It was then I remembered a quote from Ellen Kreidman’s book, How Can We Light A Fire When the Kids Are Driving Us Crazy?, “Since you are parents, you must be more flexible, creative, and focused in meeting your needs. In fact, the older your children, the more flexible, creative, and focused you have to become. By learning to be creative, you’ll be forced to find new and exciting ways to be lovers.”

Flexible…and creative…right…?!?!!? It seems that with these two little kids, it’s only ever been an exercise in flexibility. I can’t imagine that I have to become even more flexible once they get older.

But when I take a look back…
I realize now that with my first son, I had oodles and oodles of time to make sex happen. With the second child, negotiating sex became a little more complicated but in the end still doable. If I’m being quite honest, maybe I desperately wanted to believe I that I had a few more years before the “flexible and creative” bit became something to deal with…again. Guess not.

Yet another fork in the sex road
Since having children there have been a series of events that brings me to a metaphorical ‘fork in the sex road’. That is, just when my sex life back gets back on track there is a big disruption which makes creating a space for intimacy and sex seem really difficult.

At first it was the sleepless nights. Next it was constantly being sick due to our first child being in daycare. Next it was me being pregnant and then having a newborn. Now it’s moving into the next ‘our kids are in activities’ phase. I can’t fathom what’s next.

For once what I want more than life itself is for sex and my relationship not to be a work in progress, rather something effortless and easy. I am truly discouraged and really don’t know where I’m going to get the energy to be ‘flexible and creative’.

But I know from experience
To do nothing and let things ‘ride’ will create an even bigger mess in the very near future. A mess I don’t’ have the will, want or energy to deal with at this point in my life. It’s better to figure this out now and get my sex life back on track. A stitch in time and all that. Sigh.

So here we go again, an opportunity (said with sarcasm) be creative and flexible and a chance to get an even deeper and meaningful intimacy with my partner. Appreciate (said with sincerity) that my efforts will be worth it.

Lesson I learned from last week: Being able to find (relocate) my G-spot isn’t a realistic expectation during the 15 to 20 minutes allocated to sex…can’t wait for my baby to be a least a year old when I will have more time for such endeavors…

The second item Eden Fantasies.com recommended was the Earthly Delights Gift Tin (*see product description below).

When I first started out in the sex world…
Before I officially took the plunge to become a sex expert—I was working at an accounting firm in Corporate Canada if you can believe it—I thought a good way to get my feet wet in the sex world would be to be home sex party rep. You must understand eleven years ago this type of business was still pretty new to the market place.

Toys and home sex parties have come a long way since—thank goodness because with all the wonderful toys on the market now, I realize what I was selling back then was pure crap. (Sorry to all those people who I sold those crap toys to!)

Kamasutra® Products
However, one merchandise line that has stood the quality test of time is Kamasutra®. Back then it was one of the few higher quality products that emphasized sensuality—instead of (the old and tired) one-way ticket to a rabbit charged, vibrating orgasm. And for that, I feel, Kamasutra® deserves a lot of respect.

What’s Inside the Earthly Delights Gift Tin?
It’s a good assortment of foreplay fun, to get your body revved up and into the sex.
Oil of Love—Meant to be used for oral sex.
Honey Dust with Feather Applicator—Lovely to dust on yourself before sex—makes your body taste sweet from the honey crystals.
Spearmint Stimulating Pleasure Balm—this is to stimulate your clitoris (or used sparingly on the head of the penis)
Sweet Almond Massage Oil—It has a lovely fragrance and a good viscosity
Vanilla Crème Body Souffle—Meant to massage on and then lick off (yum!)

My thoughts on the Earthly Delights Gift Tin
It’s a treat for the senses. The products come in a lovely box (not a tin) that you probably could have out where company could see it. Upon opening the box, you will be immediately hit with a heady mixture of pleasant fragrances.

It’s so important for new moms (and dads) to remember on focus on sensuality. It helps her to feel more sexy and sexual. This is the perfect sensual starter kit if you don’t know where to begin. It’s reasonably priced—it’s mid-quality but still good enough and affordable enough to see which sensuality product(s) you prefer.

Try it, you’ll probably love it.

Eden Fantasys.com suggested I try two of their products
(1) Tango III
(2) * Earthly Delights Gift Tin
The tin box, adorned in an Indian mural, includes sweet almond massage oil, honey almond massage cream, the original oil of love, pleasure balm and sweet honeysuckle dust. All these sensual ingredients add up to a sensually heightened sexual experience you won’t soon forget.

Lesson I learned from last week: During the first year after baby, it’s inevitable the amount of sexual frequency will decline. It’s better to discuss it beforehand rather than deal with the “We’re not having enough sex” mess afterwards.

This week Eden Fantasys.com suggested I try two of their products
(1) Tango III (* see product description below)
(2) Earthly delights gift tin

The G-spot
I’ve done countless interviews and written extensively about it. Every single time I’ve given a seminar someone will inevitably raise their hand and ask about it. For the life of me, I can’t figure why people are so fixated on finding the G-Spot.

Perhaps the fascination is that it is so elusive. That in our instant gratification society it’s not something that can be found instantaneously. That even though I have met hundreds (maybe thousands) of women who report having a g-spot orgasm, scientists are still debating whether it really exists.

So for the record…once again…here’s the condensed low down about the G-spot. Not all women can have a G-spot orgasm; this is due to your biology not whether you are amazing in bed.

If you go looking for the G-spot, chances are you’ll never find it. Huh? If you’re the couple who says to each other over dinner, “Tonight we are going to find the G-spot!” March into the bedroom and take a look around, chances are with the pressure and tension you won’t find it.

While it’s true that you need to understand how your body works and the sensations that go along with having a G-spot orgasm before it can happen, every woman I’ve spoken to who’s found her G-spot found it by accident. Huh? That is to say, she was so juiced up and into the sex that her body was able to naturally (and organically) release into that pleasure.

Do G-spot vibrators like the Tango III really work?
A cautionary yes. Try your best to find your G-spot with fingers or intercourse positions (fun!); it will take a little longer to figure out but ultimately you will have better control over your G-spot orgasm.

Vibrators brings blood to the surface which makes that area more sensitive. So if you find your G-spot using a g-spot vibrator, your body will be used to the intense feelings and it will be more difficult to achieve the same results with fingers, penis or dildo.

Using a vibrator is a last resort; or something to speed along the process once you’ve figured it all out.

My thoughts on the Tango III
Fun Factory is a really (really!) lovely product line. The Tango III is everything good that a quality sex toy can be and something that will be in a toy chest for years.

Did the Tango III help me find my G-spot? Well, given that my sex life is a rushed “quick the kids are sleeping” 15 to 20 minutes, as well I’m still breast feeding which makes intercourse (for me) uncomfortable. No, not even close. However, this little beauty will be waiting in the wings for when intercourse is back to normal.

My husbands thoughts on the Tango III
He gives it an 8/10. Feel it is a very well engineered and thought out toy: turbo charged option (yowzers!), light where the controls are to help you see, sleek style. He would have preferred to use it for what the way it’s intended…c’est la vie.

* Tango III
The Tango is a sleek, modern looking dual stimulator made with a plush, forgiving silicone that molds to the shape of your body and is incredibly easy to manipulate. It’s thick but not huge, very user friendly, great for nearly all anatomies.

Lesson I learned from last week: If you’re having a difficult time communicating, there are tools like A Private Affair game to help you start proactive communication.

This is a good news and bad news week

The good news…I’m into my skinny jeans (holy cow!)
I couldn’t believe it. Emboldened by seeing my clothes looser around my childbearing hips I thought, “Why don’t I see how far I can bring my skinny jeans up my thighs.” I pulled them up and did up the button—I can even breath and sit down. Genuinely astonished!

The bad news…I’m only human
My passive aggressive side came out this week. Over the last few weeks I’ve been hearing soft murmurings from my husband, “Well, I only get sex once a week….” It then escalated to, “I only get sex once a week, and it’s always what you want to do.”

I did attempt to have the proactive and constructive conversations you’re suppose to have in these moments. They sort of worked, but he kept on complaining.

So I did what I usually do when I’m really mad: dig in my heels and become extremely stubborn. “If he wants to have sex,” I thought to myself—without consulting him of course, “he’ll have to make it work.”

Oh, did I mention that in the same breath where he’s complaining, he also casually reveals, “I’m playing hockey four times this week, three times at night and once during the kids weekend nap.”

Since I’ve started this sex quest, I’ve had a devil of a time trying to figure out times to have sex. Between two little kids, my husband playing hockey and my complete disinterest in waiting until after 9:30 p.m. to have sex, it’s been a real juggling act to figure out a good time.

Alas, passive-aggressive girl just sat back and said, “Okay hot-shot, you want sex more than once this week, go ahead. Make it happen.”

Well, it didn’t happen. Not even once.

Do I feel better having made my point? Not really. I find in these moments the lack-of-communicating-around-a-sensitive-issue mess I’ve made still has to be cleaned up the following week. When I go to clean it up, it’s an even bigger mess. Never worth it.

Now, I’ve got to try to have that conversation with my husband. Sucks to be me.