But what does a small matter like completely misdiagnosing a celebrity have to do when it gets in the way of selling headlines?

As a result we’ve readily taken this information as god-spell and sex addiction has become a ‘real’ condition. And what a dangerous predicament it has created for the average couple’s sexual health.

Let’s be clear, there are two camps when it comes to sex addiction: those who believe it is a real affliction; and those who don’t. I’m obviously in the ‘don’t’ camp.

Sexual addiction is, in my opinion, an easy and convenient label for a very complicated problem. As it stands there is a lack of empirical evidence and scientific agreement on whether such a condition even exists.

Dr. Marty Klein a leading expert in this field of psychotherapy gives the best explanation about sex addiction in this video.

You see, the trick to defining sex addiction is to determine ‘normal’ sexual pursuits. An exercise in subjectivity as every person has their own comfort level and preference: some people want sex three times a day (or more); some have exotic tastes; others favor vanilla sex.

Consequently, it’s extremely difficult to do any scientific study that can set guidelines to say what are acceptable ways to express sexuality.

That said, when you look at what sex addiction advocates have developed over the last 15 years, their standards are a moral judgment—rather than scientific conclusion—based around a heterosexual, monogamous, long term sex lifestyle. Any other forms of sexual expression outside these boundaries could be construed as a sex addiction.

Apparently a lot of people agree with this belief system as we see the term popping up all over the media. In fact, Oprah and Dr. Phil have christened it as a real condition. Dr. Drew Pinsky had an incredibly popular television show helping B-list celebrities.

And let’s face it: sex addiction does make fantastic reality TV viewing.

Why don’t you see if YOU are a sex addict: take the Carne’s on-line sex addiction test. Chances are if you’ve done anything outside the norm, you are indeed a sex addict.

But don’t worry if you are, you can self-cure. It’s usually involves twelve steps, a religious awakening and modifying your sexual behavior (not abstaining like a proper addiction would dictate).

Not surprisingly, all this media attention has filtered down to the average couple. Now looking at porn on your computer is the first step to becoming a sex addict—and every spouse needs to beware and worry about these destructive behaviors. Now there’s a recipe for disaster: Treating your guy like he’s a complete Neanderthal who is unable to control even the smallest of sexual urges.

When you self diagnosis, it’s difficult to impartially gauge if the behavior is obsessive and harmful to you and your partner; or, more likely, you’re uncomfortable with the behavior and don’t know how to manage the circumstance.

For the record: I do believe there are people who are obsessive compulsive about sex and cause severe stress on family, friends, loved ones and their work environment. These people do need to seek out help. Yet, it’s been my experience this is the rare exception and not the norm.

So the next time you read that someone in the news has a sex addiction, please take it with a grain of salt. Most likely they don’t. It’s probably about feeding the insatiable public its next salacious headline and not about giving people a proper sex education.

Related Articles
Online Porn Can Be Sexually Healthy
Still Double Standard for Women’s Sexuality
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Back to my friend catching her ex masturbating: She laughed recounting how he frantically pulled up his pants while muttering inane excuses. It was clear he was far more embarrassed than her by the incident.

After the laughter subsided her mood completely shifted. Angry she confided, “And then a few months later I found him with his pants down in front of the computer, looking at nude pictures.” There was a nervous hesitation then, “I could never trust him after that. And the mistrust was a big reason why we split up.”

I was writing about cyber sex and asking the regular Jane how she felt about it. Everyone–I mean everyone–assumed there was something wrong or missing in a relationship in order for an individual to turn to sex on the internet.

Of course this could be true. However, it never occurred to any of them that cyber sex could be a healthy sexual outlet for someone in a happy, stable relationship.

Something else became crystal clear: cyber sex is a contentious and complex couple issue. Perhaps for good reason but then again it shouldn’t become a relationship deal breaker.

I can well appreciate that a male partner looking at nude photos of bodacious beauties— secretly —on the internet is enough to shake-up even the most confident gal.

However, it’s my belief that the real trouble comes because the average busy couple is not willing to tackle the ‘relationship communication’ necessary to successfully navigate through this.

Here’s the deal with Cyber Sex
Most people automatically assume engaging in cyber sex equates to deviant behavior. In truth, the stigma around cyber sex comes down to a lot of unknowns which makes it seem threatening.

Plus, the internet is a relatively new medium which naturally makes for a blurred line of what is acceptable sexual behavior.

Is virtual sex considered cheating?
Maybe. It comes down to the people involved.

First, you need to assess your situation and decide whether cyber sex is: (1)a once in a while thing; (2) or happens frequently enough to get in the way of your relationship.

It’s a once in a while thing
You don’t have to like or accept this; but you do have to understand that if you give a “you can never do this” ultimatum, chances are your partner will still do it. Behind your back.

Instead, you need to discuss and come to an agreement on a few things. The first being: what does the term ‘having sex’ mean to you? Is it flirting, intercourse, oral sex, self pleasuring? Until you can figure this out, it’s almost impossible to go to step two.

Next you need to set boundaries on what is acceptable behavior within your partner’s online relationship(s) and personal relationship.

Then go online together, just once, to see what it’s about. That way when you have your ‘relationship communication’, it will be infinitely easier to set those all important boundaries.

What if they go online all the time?
So there you are, in the bedroom willing and wanting to have time together and your partner is busy jacking-off in front of their computer. All the time. This is where you need to sit down and have a frank conversation about how your partner’s behavior is affecting your relationship happiness. If the conversations just aren’t working, it’s time to seek out counseling.

Is it the sex or the secrecy?
I believe it’s the secrecy of your partner engaging in virtual sex that causes the majority of difficulty—if not devastation—to a relationship. I appreciate that it’s difficult to bring up that you want to dabble in cyber sex, but it’s even more difficult to try and resolve an issue of mistrust.

Last word on cyber sex
Believe it or not there are many benefits to cyber sex. Not only is it safe sex, it’s an easy way for someone to discover a hidden desire and become less sexually inhibited. As well, if you think you might want to try out a sexual fantasy, it’s a safe way to see if it suits you.

Perhaps one day, cyber sex might become as acceptable as fantasy or role play; another safe sex way to titillate the imagination. My guess is, however, it will be many, many years before that happens.

Related
Is Cyber Sex Cheating? [Video]
Sexually Adventurous Much More Sexually Satisfied
Are You Tolerant of Sexual Fetishes?

This conundrum struck me while reading the Maclean’s article, “Why Sex Appeal Trumps an M.B.A” by Catherine Hakim former Senior Research Fellow for the London School of Economics. The article featured her newest book, Honey Money: The Power of Erotic Capital.

According to Hakim, “If women exploited their sex appeal when climbing the corporate ladder, they would be way ahead of men.” She is, of course, is stirring the feminist pot and yet I believe a lot of what she espouses to be true.

To stir the pot even further and add to her theory, I believe women lose a lot of their so called ‘Erotic Capital’ once they become moms.

Esther Perel’s wonderful book, Mating in Captivity, talks about how North American men, generally, see pregnant women and mommies as asexual. It was only men from non-Anglo Saxon roots that would flirt with moms.

I thought it an interesting observation; that is until I became pregnant with my first child. With the first bloom of baby-bump men shifted their focus to seeing me as a “Madonna”. Then once I sported said baby on my hip, I officially became asexual.

But the full effects of becoming asexual didn’t hit home until six months after giving birth. On a media tour (and childless) I was rushing through an airport wearing a fabulous clingy dress with smashing stiletto heels.

Was so preoccupied with not falling over as I teetered along—it had been at least a year since I wore high heels—that I almost didn’t notice men looking at me. At first I thought it a lucky one-off. But no. One fellow even stopped mid-tracks and nudged his friend.

For just a moment things went into slow motion and became surreal. I had gotten so used to being invisible to the opposite sex. Not that men didn’t find me attractive. It was more like I had a big imaginary mommy-off-limits “X” crossed out in front of me.

At first, I chastised myself for being so shallow and needing other people’s validation. But after a bit of navel gazing, I discovered it was much more than that. Somewhere, somehow, I allowed myself to be okay with being invisible; maybe even encouraged it by buying into the “well, I’m a mommy now so I come second” mentality.

You see, 95 percent of the time I’m in full-on mommy-mode. Which can only be described kindly as ‘frumpy’. This even when I’m making an effort to look nice for when I drop my child off at playschool.

I’ve been to airports with my kids in tow and I’ve not garnered even a second glance. It’s my kids who get all of the attention.

When I compare those two people rushing through the airport, frump-mom has zero Erotic Capital: clingy dress, stiletto wearing woman has a lot of Erotic Capital.

Which makes me wonder: Is it simply the change in confidence or a lack of kids that makes the difference?

It was then that I understood why so many moms no longer feel attractive/ sexy/ sexual. Even if they are. It is, in part, the acceptance of being invisible to the opposite sex when they are in full on mommy mode.

And so perhaps by genetic predisposition, once a woman bears another man’s child she loses her Erotic Capital. But the bigger question remains is this a part of the reason why women aren’t able to earn as much once they become moms?

I don’t have that answer. Just stirring the pot to see what comes of it.

Related Blogs
Still a Double Standard for Women’s Sexuality
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Dr. Trina Read is a leading relationship and sexual health expert and educator. She is a best selling author, media expert, syndicated blogger, international speaker, magazine columnist, and spokeswoman. Sign up for your free monthly newsletter filled with expert videos, articles, blogs and podcasts at Best Sex Tips Ever.com. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook

For those who haven’t heard of this book, it’s an erotica book cloaked in a ‘love story’. Christian Grey wants to dominate young and innocent Anastasia, and he wants her to be his submissive.

How do you explain to people who don’t believe fantasy is a good thing that a book about BDSM fantasy is an okay read? Not easy. But this interview, in my opinion, is everything that is ‘wrong’ with how our society acts and reacts to things that are outside the heterosexual-monogamous sex box.

And they brought in some heavy hitters to discuss this book. A clip of Dr. Laura Berman came on first and she explained that women do want and like the ‘bodice ripping’ type of fantasy.

Back in The Today studio, Host Savannah Gunthrie turned to her guest and wanted validation that the novel is “extremely disturbing” and that it is, “quite frankly, violence against women”.

First she asked Dr. Logan Levkoff who disagreed with Savannah that the book was ‘disturbing’ and then went on to talk about how fantasy and erotica are healthy. Not getting the response she wanted, Savannah then turned her attention to Dr. Drew Pinsky who was also “disturbed” and felt this novel, “went beyond fantasy and into actual violence against women.”

On the heels of this interview, Dr. Drew appeared on HLN with his wife—who loved the book—and brought out the fancy technical word, “pathology” to describe the sexual experience in this book. Pulease!

I just can’t understand why after having a long-running radio program and many TV shows on the topic of sex, Dr. Drew is so completely sex-negative. The only thing I can surmise is that he is pandering to the media, because the average American still believes this type of thing is morally wrong. It’s truly a shame the way he’s selling out to make a buck. Watch Canada.com video.

Now don’t get me wrong, this type of read isn’t for everyone. From the Amazon.com reviews, it’s clear that readers either love Fifty Shades of Grey or they hate it. And it probably has to do with the book being based in the world of BDSM (bondage discipline sado masochism).

What I think is interesting is how the American press is vilifying this type of female fantasy—again. In 1973 Nancy Friday gathered women’s fantasies and published My Secret Garden. Many of these average gal’s fantasies were about being dominated—just like Anastasia.

Similar to Fifty Shades of Grey there was a big outrage by the press saying it was ‘harmful’ to women.

Over 250,000 (and counting) of women have bought this book showing that some women really love this type of fantasy. It turns them on and makes them feel sexy and sexual.

Being titillated by erotica is as natural as breathing, and an incredibly easy way to get turned on.

If Fifty Shades of Grey doesn’t appeal to you, please don’t give up on erotica. This book may not be your thing, but there are a lot of other story lines that will appeal to you. Click here to read a hot little something, by Richard K. Monroe. (Here’s a second story if you liked that!)

And for the sake of women’s sexual emancipation world wide—sorry to be dramatic, but I feel that strongly—simply ignore the media and Dr. Drew when they tell you that it is harmful. It’s not.

You reading erotica and being sexually titillated is good…VERY good.

Read Richard Monroe’s (toe curling) Erotica
911
Late At The Office

Listen to Audio Erotic Stories
Nude HouseKeeping
The Pick-up Artist
Paint Me
Rags to Riches
A Little Off Base

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Dr. Trina Read is a leading relationship and sexual health expert and educator. She is a best selling author, media expert, syndicated blogger, international speaker, magazine columnist, and spokeswoman. Sign up for your free monthly newsletter filled with expert videos, articles, blogs and podcasts at Best Sex Tips Ever.com. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook

For those of you pretty little ladies who have anticipated anything and everything from first dates, to work related promotions, to big news, to a special event, you know the luxury that is finally getting to that point. The only problem with looking forward to things is that – if we let them – they have the power to disappoint. This is why it is ever so important to be realistic with your idealizations.

Exhibit A: Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. Guy asks girl out on a date. Guy and girl schedule date, go about daily banter leading up to it, practically envision themselves an item from the getgo, then date comes and the chemistry just isn’t there.

Hopefully this isn’t the case, and chances are if he gives good banter, he likely gives good everything else, but keep an open mind.

Realize that what becomes essential in romance is two people who care about and are excited about one another in a balanced and equal way. Don’t force something if it isn’t as good as you expected it to be or, alternately, don’t resist and hold back from what seems natural for fear of things being too rushed. ‘Too soon’ is by a myth. It all comes down to trusting your instincts and allowing things to unfold naturally in your relationships.

When one is realistic with the notion that things can happen or occur in a day that we can’t prevent, then you’ll be more able and willing to role with the punches. Accept what is instead of trying to force what is not. If you go into one of those to-be phenomenal days with this mind set, however it plays out will be but a bonus.

Other Jen Kirsch Blogs
Women Want Bromances Too
Women Stop Misreading Your Dates
Toss the Tee and Throw on a Pair of Heels

Jen Kirsch is a relationship expert, columnist and blogger. She writes for ELLE, Canadian Living, Slice TV, Women’s Post, AOL Lifestyle, Notable.ca, ELLE Canada, Sympatico.com, The College Crush, Rebecca Eckler’s How To Raise A Boyfriend, PostCity Magazines and many more publications. Often seeked out for her to-the-point advice, Jen offers coaching sessions to singles and couples who want some direction in the dating world. Read her blog and follow her on Twitter.

Photo Source here.

As such he decided the best compromise was to buy a perfectly proportioned blow up doll. Problem was it was going to cost him $10,000 USD plus. He had been saving from his two waitering jobs and had almost come up with the entire amount. He was eagerly anticipating when he would finally be able to have his perfect woman.

What I found interesting was my colleague’s reaction. She is in the business of selling sex paraphernalia and yet she was mildly disgusted with this man’s intentions. From her reaction, I assumed he was some overt pervert let loose in Vancouver.

As fate would have it, the next morning this man was my waiter. To my surprise he was extremely courteous and polite; in fact, he was the epitome of professionalism. As I covertly watched him under lowered lashes I could tell he treated his fellow female staff with the same level of respect.

Fetishes are definitely something people don’t understand and therefore label as deviant. Because these people don’t tow the what-is-socially-acceptable-for-sexual-behavior-line (i.e. heterosexual monogamous sex) they are automatically labeled as freaks. It is my experience that, generally, these people are just the opposite.

Some people have certain proclivities that make them sexually aroused—like BDSM, feet, or latex, or blow up dolls. So what? As long as they are safe, sane and consensual with what they are doing, then there should be no reason to judge that person. But yet we still do—even people in the sex industry who deal with this all the time are judging.

You (yes you) mingle with fetish people on a daily basis. It’s only when you find out what they are up to behind closed doors that things get weird for you (yes you).

I appreciate complete sexual tolerance will never be something I will see in my lifetime. Ironic as people feel they are liberal enough when it comes to sex.

Read other related blog posts
Would you date a bisexual?
Are open relationships more popular?
Casual Sex is now the norm
Trip to dentist a sexy fetish
Female friendly porn

Dr. Trina Read is a leading relationship and sexual health expert and educator. Sign up for your free monthly newsletter filled with expert videos, articles, blogs and podcasts at Best Sex Tips Ever.com. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook

Dr. Trina’s Answer
Take heart that you’re not alone. Research suggests that 37 percent of people who take antidepressants experience everything from decreased libido to increased time reaching orgasm.

Here’s a few suggestions that may help.
Talk with your doctor
There are a range of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and some are less problematic. You may be able to switch to a similar medication with fewer side effects. Also try: lowering the dose; scheduling the time you take the drug around sex; or adding another drug to counteract side effects.

Change your perspective
Think about how sex was before this drug. You probably didn’t feel at all sexy or sexual. Now after addressing your health concerns you’re interested in sex. Hoorah! So in a round about way, your libido has actually increased.

Have a heart-to-heart
Chances are your partner is happy you’re feeling well and is empathetic about possible side effects. Talking about how you’re going to work together to cope with any changes.

Great Sex Tip
Sometimes the sexual effects will be welcomed. Men who are premature ejaculators might now experience delayed ejaculation.

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“I just came from my OBGYN…I need to get my uterus removed. How is it going to affect my sexuality?” Good question and something she should be concerned about.

A few days later my friend told me the entire story. She contracted HPV and ended up with high grade cervical cancer cells which, eventually, let to a hysterectomy.

The kicker? In her own words, “I did everything right. I waited until I was 21 to have sex and then always made sure to have protected sex. It wasn’t until I was married at 33 that I got HPV from my husband…he didn’t know he had it.”

Mom Peer Pressure
Before this, she felt peer pressure from her mommy group not to give her daughter the HPV shot. There was an undercurrent, a silent social more that by getting the shot it would promote her daughter to go out and have sex.

She believes she was completely misinformed and now she wants both her daughter and son to have the shot.

She says, “Parents need to be better educated about what the HPV shot means to for our kids’ health now and in the future.”

In honor of my friend and her experience
There’s been a lot of negative press about the HPV shot. So I thought I would give you the facts and let you make an educated decision as to whether it is something you want to do for your children.

Cervical Cancer Facts
Statistics Canada estimates that every year 1,502 women are diagnosed with cervical cancer, and 581 will die from it, while another 220 will die from cancer of the vulva or vagina.

What is HPV?
Here’s some HPV facts from the website HPV Awareness.
- HPV stands for Human papillomavirus
- It is a common virus with over 100 different types; more than 40 of which are sexually transmitted.
- It causes 99.4% of cervical cancer cases and 100% of genital warts cases.
- 80% of sexually active people will contract genital HPV in their lifetime and there are usually no signs or symptoms.
- It is a virus contracted through skin-to-skin contact, is very infectious, and is spread via sexual activity.
- Condoms reduce the spread of HPV but because they do not fully cover all the skin around the genitals, they do not fully protect you.
- It only takes one infected sexual partner in an entire lifetime to contract this virus.

What is the HPV shot?
There are two vaccines available on the market,
(1) Gardasil—targeted at preventing the two most common types of HPV associated with genital and anal cancers and those associated with genital and anal warts
(2) Cervarix—targeted at preventing the two main HPVs that cause cervical cancer

Get a Pap!!!
From the age of 21, with or without an HPV test, a woman should get a Pap test. It is the only way to see abnormalities that can lead to cervical cancer later in life.

Two great websites: HPV Awareness and WACC (Women Against Cervical Cancer)