Most women who I have spoken with who are not into anal sex have usually had it, ahem, “thrust” upon them in the throes of passion. One minute they were having hot sex, and the next, something was being shoved up their butt. I can say with utmost confidence, this is NOT the way to approach anal sex with a partner for the first time.

There are many ways to find out if your girlfriend might be interested. One of the easiest ways would be to bring up the conversation outside of the bedroom. Begin by sharing your sexual likes and dislikes and within that conversation you could simply ask for her thoughts about anal play.

If her reaction is, “ewwww, gross,” you could ask her why she feels that way. It might be she’s had a bad experience or she has simply had years of receiving negative messages about that part of her body. This doesn’t necessarily mean that she wouldn’t be open to exploring anal play if it is done slowly and safely in a trusting environment.

However, if she is totally opposed to it then you have to accept that may never change, no matter how you feel about it.

Another way to explore this would be when you are intimate, you can try gently touching around that area to see how she feels. If she squirms away, you’ve been given a clear message. However, it may just be that she isn’t feeling especially into it on that particular day so again, it’s worth asking about later on.

If, however, she gives physical or auditory cues that indicate that she is enjoying herself then you can gently try working the tip of your finger in. You need to be prepared to take the tiniest of baby steps when it comes to this and continue to be open to chatting about her feelings/concerns/likes/dislikes afterwards.

And, in addition to patience and sensitivity, I cannot stress enough the importance of lube in all anal play.

I also spoke with sex educator Cory Silverberg about your question and he added this:

There’s a school of thought that says that if one person is interested in anal play, that person should be open to exploring being on both the giving and receiving end. Expressing that you’re open to this can dramatically change how a conversation like this goes. Of course it has to be a genuine offer, so you’ll need to think about this for yourself first.

In other words, if you’re interested in her being open to you exploring that part of her, you should also be open to the possibility that she may want to explore that part of you as well.

And for more tips and techniques, I would highly recommend Tristan Taormino’s Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women.

Other Cynthia Loyst Blogs
Female Friendly Porn
Craving a Massage with a ‘Happy Ending’
Husband Wants Sex Everyday

Outspoken, hip, irreverent – yet enlightening, Cynthia Loyst is a TV host, advice columnist & relationship coach who likes to ask uncomfortable questions. She’s also a certified life/relationship coach and guest expert on a variety of shows including The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV Newsnet and Etalk. Follow Cynthia on Twitter.

For those of you pretty little ladies who have anticipated anything and everything from first dates, to work related promotions, to big news, to a special event, you know the luxury that is finally getting to that point. The only problem with looking forward to things is that – if we let them – they have the power to disappoint. This is why it is ever so important to be realistic with your idealizations.

Exhibit A: Guy likes girl. Girl likes guy. Guy asks girl out on a date. Guy and girl schedule date, go about daily banter leading up to it, practically envision themselves an item from the getgo, then date comes and the chemistry just isn’t there.

Hopefully this isn’t the case, and chances are if he gives good banter, he likely gives good everything else, but keep an open mind.

Realize that what becomes essential in romance is two people who care about and are excited about one another in a balanced and equal way. Don’t force something if it isn’t as good as you expected it to be or, alternately, don’t resist and hold back from what seems natural for fear of things being too rushed. ‘Too soon’ is by a myth. It all comes down to trusting your instincts and allowing things to unfold naturally in your relationships.

When one is realistic with the notion that things can happen or occur in a day that we can’t prevent, then you’ll be more able and willing to role with the punches. Accept what is instead of trying to force what is not. If you go into one of those to-be phenomenal days with this mind set, however it plays out will be but a bonus.

Other Jen Kirsch Blogs
Women Want Bromances Too
Women Stop Misreading Your Dates
Toss the Tee and Throw on a Pair of Heels

Jen Kirsch is a relationship expert, columnist and blogger. She writes for ELLE, Canadian Living, Slice TV, Women’s Post, AOL Lifestyle, Notable.ca, ELLE Canada, Sympatico.com, The College Crush, Rebecca Eckler’s How To Raise A Boyfriend, PostCity Magazines and many more publications. Often seeked out for her to-the-point advice, Jen offers coaching sessions to singles and couples who want some direction in the dating world. Read her blog and follow her on Twitter.

Photo Source here.

First of all, let me commend you for seeking advice! Throughout the course of our sexual lives there are many different types of challenges that may require our attention. It’s important that you get the right information to get the best help.

Just to remind you, I’m not a medical doctor or a sexual health educator but according to Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada (SOGC), “painful intercourse is most often reported by women although it occurs in men as well”. There are many different reasons that can cause painful sex from hormonal changes to infections to psychological factors.

There is also a condition called Vaginismus where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse. Vaginismus is highly treatable and does not require drugs, surgery, hypnosis, nor any other complex invasive technique. You can find out more information about this at www.vaginismus.com.

Although we all love to explore the internet to get information, it’s important not to self diagnose. Talk to your doctor (or go to a Hassle Free Clinic http://www.hasslefreeclinic.org/) to determine what the best course of action is for you.

And on a personal note, I hope your partner gives you the support you need while you figure out what is going on. Remember: there are lots of fun things you can do that don’t involve penetration and the fact that you are having orgasms already is a great reminder of that!

Outspoken, hip, irreverent – yet enlightening, Cynthia Loyst is a TV host, advice columnist & relationship coach who likes to ask uncomfortable questions. She’s also a certified life/relationship coach and guest expert on a variety of shows including The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV Newsnet and Etalk. Follow Cynthia on Twitter.

I suppose that I can be ok with this however many women have taken it that I’m not attracted to them and has also hurt my chances at developing something more long term. I am curious to know your thoughts on this issue.
Best regards, Richard

Dear Richard,
When it comes to having occasional difficulties ejaculating during sexual intercourse, you’re certainly not alone. Both men and women experience difficulty with orgasm for myriad reasons including the reasons you listed in your note. Let me go through a few of those.

Circumcision can make you less sensitive, however if you’re not having problems with masturbation then I’d say things are still working pretty well. In other words, the ‘problem’ is likely more psychological rather than physical. I’m curious, have you always had some difficulty with ejaculation with a partner or is this something new? Or is it something that you seem to just be experiencing during the ‘first time’ with a new partner? If it’s the former – it’s worth reflecting on what changes have been happening in your life that could be impacting you (i.e. stress, medication, depression, etc). If it’s the latter, the nervousness that often comes with a new partner could definitely be a factor.

When becoming intimate with someone new, try to ignore the inner voice which can make you wonder about things like “Does she like this?”, “What if I won’t be able to ejaculate?”, “What if she thinks I don’t like her?”, etc. These things take you out of the moment and can increase sexual anxiety, leading you down a path that doesn’t lead to orgasm. Focus instead on the pleasurable sensations you’re experiencing and the way it feels to know you’re pleasing your partner.

There are also ways to make you more orgasmic with a partner. You can avoid masturbating for a few days before having sex with someone else. Also, make sure you are sufficiently aroused before intercourse (lots of foreplay, or even mutual masturbation). Heck, if you want to even watch some porn before getting together, that could work too (I wouldn’t suggest breaking out the porn to watch with your partner at this stage of the game – though once you get to know your partner better, that’s always an option too).

Alcohol can definitely contribute to difficulty with orgasm so if you’re planning a romantic evening, maybe just limit yourself to one or two glasses of wine.

To sum up – here are some tips and exercises:
• Make sure you’re feeling relaxed: try deep breathing
• Be present: Take time to focus on pleasurable sensations and don’t just jump into intercourse
• Mix It Up: Don’t be afraid to try different positions
• Watch out for inhibitors: Minimize or avoid alcohol/recreational drugs. You can also discuss with your doctor if any medication you’re taking may have side effects that could be contributing

Lastly, this is exactly the type of thing that sex therapists are trained to help people work through so if you’re interested in finding one in your area – check out Bestco.info.
I hope this helps!
Best, Cynthia

Outspoken, hip, irreverent – yet enlightening, Cynthia Loyst is a TV host, advice columnist & relationship coach who likes to ask uncomfortable questions. She’s also a certified life/relationship coach and guest expert on a variety of shows including The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV Newsnet and Etalk. Follow Cynthia on Twitter.

I liked this girl from my work and I thought she liked me back but I wimped out and didn’t say how I truly felt. In my opinion I missed my chance and she’s gone away now for three weeks. I feel so bad for not saying anything it’s tearing me apart.
Thanks a lot, Adam

Hello Adam,
Thanks for your question!

It’s not clear from your note whether the girl you’re interested is coming back to your work after this three-week excursion or not but regardless, if you felt a “spark” before she left than this is the perfect time to start stoking the fire.

The easiest way to do this is to send a short, flirty message out to her (e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, text – take your pick). If you’re not sure what to say, a safe bet would be to send a link to something you like (a music video, something funny on YouTube, etc.) with the message “Thinking of You” or “This made me think of you.”

If she’s interested, she will be delighted by that. If you receive a message back from her that seems flirty, respond with something a little bit flirtier. For example, if you write, “Can’t wait until you return” – she will know that you’re into her.

Or, “How would you like to go out to such-and-such restaurant when you get back?” – she will know you’re making a date. It’s all about planting a seed, waiting for a response and then letting the roots grow.

You’d also be wise to take your time in responding. I’m not suggesting “playing games” but there is truth to the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” If you’re too available (and too immediate with your responses) you are taking away a valuable aspect of seduction which is the chase. Both women and men love this to some extent – there can be a sexy tension when you’re not sure when you will get the next message from the person you’re interested in.

Now, a few words about office romance: if she is indeed coming back to your work, it’s important to remember that not everyone is interested in dating a colleague. In fact, some companies have policies against inter-office dating especially if you have to work in close quarters with each other. It’s kind of obvious as to why. If things don’t go well it can make for a really tense and unproductive work environment. And it goes without saying (I hope) that if she reports to you in any way, you absolutely can’t pursue this.

Having said all that, there’s always a chance that for whatever reason she’s not interested in pursuing something romantic with you. I’d like to share with you a personal story. A number of years ago, I developed a crush on someone at my workplace. After weeks of waiting, I finally mustered up the courage to send him an email asking if he wanted to go out for a drink.

He promptly replied, letting me know that unfortunately he had just reunited with an ex from high school. Now, even though I was crushed by my crush for a moment, we ended up becoming really good friends and he has since married his sweetheart and shortly after I met my partner who I’ve been with ever since.

The point being that you really don’t have to worry about “missing your chance” because your chance with someone else might be just around the corner.

I hope that helps!! Cynthia

Outspoken, hip, irreverent – yet enlightening, Cynthia Loyst is the informative voice behind CP24’s series SEX MATTERS. She’s also a certified life/relationship coach, advice columnist and guest expert on a variety of shows including The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV Newsnet and Etalk where she speaks on a variety of topics related to love, sexuality and relationships. Find out more about Cynthia.

Ashley’s answer
Yes. Although you can not get pregnant from oral sex, it is still possible to get a sexually transmitted infection (STI). STIs are passed by direct skin contact or through body fluids, by these means, STI’s can spread from the genitals to the mouth and from the mouth to the genitals. There is less risk of getting an STI from oral sex than sexual intercourse (herpes being the most common STI spread by oral sex), however THERE IS STILL A RISK.

If you chose to engage oral sex, the best way to protect yourself from STI’s is by using a condom or dental dam. Condoms can be used when performing oral sex on a man (fellatio) and dental dams can be used when performing oral sex on a woman (cunnilingus).

Finding and using condoms is very easy. The type of condom to use during oral sex is entirely up to you (flavoured ones can be fun and tasty)! Dental dams (to be used during cunnilingus), can be created in several ways. First, you can cut a condom into a rectangle shape (click the link for detailed instructions).

Although the condom method may be more available, it is not always the safest. Condom-made dental dams can be small and cover a limited area. Second, you can buy Dental Dams to use with your partner although they are often difficult to find. These provide a little more coverage and require less assembly.

Oral sex can be a fun stimulating activity for you and your partner but remember NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

Sincerely, Ashley

Ashley Thompson is a PhD student at the University of New Brunswick in experimental and applied psychology with research interests in sexuality and attraction. Ashley completed her undergraduate degree at University of Wisconsin at River Falls in psychology. She is originally from Minneapolis, Minnesota and has moved to Canada for her graduate pursuits. Find out more at Turned-On.net.

Derek,
The vagina is a sensitive mucus membrane that should never be exposed to harsh chemicals like the ones in nail polish. I’m not sure what you are using the nail polish for but I am sure there are alternatives. Notice, it is not called “vagina” polish. Sincerely, Dr. Kat

Dr. Kat is a Clinical Sexologist Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing in the field of counseling since 1994. In addition to her training in Marriage, Family and Addictions, she has extensive sexuality training. Find out more at: Dr.Kat.com

Dear Dr. Brian,
I’ve heard some girls like anal sex. What could they get from that? Wouldn’t that miss all their girly parts?
Anally Oblivious

Dear Anally Oblivious,
Yeah AO, most people have already heard why guys might like getting their A-Spot (prostate gland) tickled by a penis, dildo, or finger, but a lot of you have no idea why a girl might enjoy getting her anus or rectum played with.

Just like for boys, a girl’s anus has a ton of nerve endings making this area super sensitive to stimulation. A little anal massage could send your lady lover over the edge.

The rectum and vagina also share an internal wall together. And, those all important vaginal nerve endings are sometimes easier to ‘connect with’ from the back side.

A women’s G-Spot can also be stimulated from the rectum. Remember, that the G-spot is analogous to the male prostate gland, which is easily stimulated through the anus. Many women have amazing G-Spot orgasms through anal sex.

A woman can also have an anal orgasm. This is distinct and different from a clitoral, vaginal, or G-Spot orgasm. This too, makes anal sex fun for girls.

Further, when a man or woman orgasms, they have contractions that is also felt in their rectum. This whole pelvic region has lots of pleasurable zones that makes it fun.

So AO, anal sex might not be your cup of tea, but some girls totally get off on it. It’s best not to judge. Everyone has different likes and dislikes in and out of the bedroom.

Best regards, Dr. Brian Parker

Dr. Brian Parker is the creator of Embrace board game. He also is owner of ForeverPleasure.com an on-line adult store that sells the very best product.

Hi Fritz,
I’ve run into lots of people that however they learned to give oral sex early on is how they continue to do it. Even though, their partner might want it in a different way.

A good way to get her to use her hands more on you might be to ask her to show you how she would like you to get her off. That way she can communicate her needs directly to you and then you can reciprocate by showing her how you’d like it done.

Short of directing her hands during the act, another way might be to watch an erotic video that shows the same action that you’d like her to try on you and then tell her how hot you think it is and that you’d like to try it.

I would make sure she is in a comfortable position that will allow her to use her hands on you during oral sex. Sometimes this point gets over looked.

Hope that helps. Sincerely, Dr. Kat

Dr. Kat is a Clinical Sexologist Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing in the field of counseling since 1994. In addition to her training in Marriage, Family and Addictions, she has extensive sexuality training. Find out more at: Dr.Kat.com

Dear Determined to Have the Perfect Size,
You know, after receiving a minimum of five penis enlargement emails per day, I’m starting to think it might be time for a little fat injection down there too. And, I don’t think I’m alone.

Lots of guys wish they had a bigger penis, but it really isn’t necessary. The average erect penis size is five to seven inches. If you’re a little smaller, it really isn’t a deal breaker.

It scares me when I hear about guys feeling they need a huge penis to satisfy their partner. When it comes to penis-vagina sex, this certainly isn’t the case. In fact Determined to Have the Perfect Size, after you learn a little bit more about the sexual anatomy and physiology of girls, you might be glad you’re on the smaller side.

There are a couple of girl hot spots that don’t require a big penis for maximum stimulation. The clitoris is external and likes quick movements like that from a fast moving tongue, finger, or vibrator.

A huge penis whacking against the clit is certainly not going to get a girl off. And since most women orgasm through clitoral stimulation, a big one is not necessary.

And, just like guys have penises that vary widely in length, so do girl’s vaginal canals. Determined to Have the Perfect Size, did you know that the average vaginal canal is about six inches deep?

So if you dream of having a six-and-a-half incher, that half-inch will be wasted on most of the girls you sleep with.

And, if your penis was longer than her vaninal canal, you’d hit her cervix. Almost all women find this irritating and painful. That’s probably not the best sensation to give someone you love.

Further, the first two inches of a girl’s vagina is the most sensitive. That’s where all the nerve endings are. The last four inches have barely any nerve endings. Have you ever heard the expression ‘the lights are on, but nobody is home?’

Another womanly hot spot is her G-Spot. This area can be anywhere from the top of the vaginal opening to about 2 inches back. It’s also a little to the left. Once again, you’d only need a two incher to do the trick.

When it comes to oral, a huge one is not ideal either. The bigger the penis the harder it is for someone to perform oral sex on them.

And, if you ever meet a woman who lets you have anal with her, I bet she’ll be ecstatic you have a little guy.

Research actually shows that penis size does not affect a partner’s sexual satisfaction. In fact, I know plenty of women who prefer guys your size. One of my friends (who believe me, has seen penises in all shapes and sizes) had the best sex of her life with a guy much smaller than average.

She said he was like the Duracell bunny. He just kept going and going. And for women, that ain’t such a bad thing.

But Determined to Have the Perfect Size, you will undoubtedly run into a size queen at some point in your life. They might think they look nicer aesthetically or they may prefer the feeling of fullness a big one provides.

There are no lotions, potions, or pills that will add an extra inch or two. These are actually all scams and none of these have ever been scientifically proven to promote growth down there.

I highly doubt all your ex-girlfriends prefer larger men. If girls continuously kick you to the curb you might want to look at your skills as a partner rather than your skills as a lover.

Sure sex is important, but most women would prefer to date a nice guy who is mediocre in the sack than someone mean who has all the right moves.

So Determined to Have the Perfect Size, I hope all this helps you realize there is no ‘perfect’ penis size. Love yourself, penis and all, and don’t be shy about its size. If you do, I bet the girls will be running towards you, not away from you.

Best regards, Dr. Brian Parker

Dr. Brian Parker is the creator of Embrace board game. He also is owner of ForeverPleasure.com an on-line adult store that sells the very best product.