One approach to orgasm-inducing intercourse involves the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT). This positioning and movement can provide a woman with both vaginal and clitoral stimulation, stimulate a man’s shaft and prostatic nerves and does not require any challenging gymnastic moves or flexibility. Hooray! Because we’re tired of swinging off chandeliers, right?

The CAT is a basic modification of the missionary position that involves the man riding up on a woman’s pelvis so they can rock and rub the clitoris against the base of his penis and/or pelvic bone.

Here’s the basic breakdown:
(1) The woman lies on her back and the man lies on top inserting his penis into the vagina.
(2) He then shifts his body upwards along hers (he can rest his hands/arms beside her head) so that the base of his penis and pelvic bone press firmly against her clitoral hood and pelvic bone.
(3) Often the CAT involves the woman pressing her pelvis upwards and wrapping her feet around his calves.
Play with synchronized rocking and rubbing movements as opposed to in-and-out thrusting.
(4) Some women find intensified pleasure in squeezing their legs together during the CAT to create greater friction and tension.This squeezing sensation can also intensify the male partner’s pleasure.

Sound technical? It’s really quite simple and feels a lot better than it looks on paper. Don’t take my word for it. Try it out for yourself!

Once you’ve got the hang of rubbing the clitoral hood and female pelvic bone against the hard base of the penis and/or male pelvic bone during intercourse, you can modify the CAT into a range of other positions on your side or even upside down.

If the CAT doesn’t make you tingle with passion, don’t feel the need to give up on intercourse entirely. No singular approach to pleasure works for every woman, but if you keep experimenting, you’ll find your triggers. Play with running water, vibrating toys, fingers, tongues and fantasy until you find your toes curling with pleasure beneath the sheets (or on the hood of the car as the case may be).

And ladies and gents, please don’t ignore all your other beautiful erogenous zones: the brain, breasts, thighs, backs of knees, feet, palms, neck, ears, belly, bum and more!

Some women can orgasm through fantasy alone and others can reach the heights of ecstasy with a little breast play. Others swear by anal stimulation, while some find sharing of far-fetched fantasies incomparable as a means to orgasmic release.

Combine any of these activities to find what works for you. With the right attitude and a healthy sense of humour, you should enjoy both the process and the end result.

Have fun experimenting and always practice safer sex!

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Dr. Jess (Jessica O’Reilly) is a sought-after sexologist with a PhD in human sexuality. She maintains a private practice in Toronto and travels the world to speak at events that promote healthy and deliciously pleasurable sex. From regular appearances on Cosmopolitan Television and Playboy TV to hosting retreats in the sunny Caribbean, she relishes in every moment! Check out her website SexWithDrJess.com, follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

Originally published in Eligible Magazine.com

Most women who I have spoken with who are not into anal sex have usually had it, ahem, “thrust” upon them in the throes of passion. One minute they were having hot sex, and the next, something was being shoved up their butt. I can say with utmost confidence, this is NOT the way to approach anal sex with a partner for the first time.

There are many ways to find out if your girlfriend might be interested. One of the easiest ways would be to bring up the conversation outside of the bedroom. Begin by sharing your sexual likes and dislikes and within that conversation you could simply ask for her thoughts about anal play.

If her reaction is, “ewwww, gross,” you could ask her why she feels that way. It might be she’s had a bad experience or she has simply had years of receiving negative messages about that part of her body. This doesn’t necessarily mean that she wouldn’t be open to exploring anal play if it is done slowly and safely in a trusting environment.

However, if she is totally opposed to it then you have to accept that may never change, no matter how you feel about it.

Another way to explore this would be when you are intimate, you can try gently touching around that area to see how she feels. If she squirms away, you’ve been given a clear message. However, it may just be that she isn’t feeling especially into it on that particular day so again, it’s worth asking about later on.

If, however, she gives physical or auditory cues that indicate that she is enjoying herself then you can gently try working the tip of your finger in. You need to be prepared to take the tiniest of baby steps when it comes to this and continue to be open to chatting about her feelings/concerns/likes/dislikes afterwards.

And, in addition to patience and sensitivity, I cannot stress enough the importance of lube in all anal play.

I also spoke with sex educator Cory Silverberg about your question and he added this:

There’s a school of thought that says that if one person is interested in anal play, that person should be open to exploring being on both the giving and receiving end. Expressing that you’re open to this can dramatically change how a conversation like this goes. Of course it has to be a genuine offer, so you’ll need to think about this for yourself first.

In other words, if you’re interested in her being open to you exploring that part of her, you should also be open to the possibility that she may want to explore that part of you as well.

And for more tips and techniques, I would highly recommend Tristan Taormino’s Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women.

Other Cynthia Loyst Blogs
Female Friendly Porn
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Outspoken, hip, irreverent – yet enlightening, Cynthia Loyst is a TV host, advice columnist & relationship coach who likes to ask uncomfortable questions. She’s also a certified life/relationship coach and guest expert on a variety of shows including The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV Newsnet and Etalk. Follow Cynthia on Twitter.

The study, based on one autopsy of one 83-year-old woman’s cadaver (that’s right, one deceased woman), was published in the latest issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine by gynecologist Dr. Adam Ostrzenski and is the first documented scientific account of the anatomic existence of the G-spot.

According to Dr. Ostrzenski, the structure is a distinct, well-defined, blue grape-like structure within a sac located on the back of the vagina. Specific dimensions of this particular woman’s G-spot were provided, alongside pictures of the structure as it was dissected.

Although we can gain some scientific benefit from this dissection, it is premature to draw conclusions and generalize to women as a whole. When I heard about this study, I got in contact with a colleague of mine, Dr. Jonathan Huber, an Ottawa-based obstetrician/gynecologist and Associate Professor at the Northern Ontario School of Medicine, to get his insight into this study. He also had some concerns about the implications of the study, stating:

We know nothing about the sexual functioning of that cadaver as a living person, so its presumptuous to make the connection between the described anatomical feature and how it might have functioned or felt to her in the context of her life. More importantly, though, the search for the anatomical basis of the G-spot de-emphasizes potentially more important factors that contribute to sexual pleasure.

If we use the clitoris as an example of another anatomical structure of which the location, nervous anatomy, and function is well-described, Dr. Huber says,

Simply knowing about or having a clitoris isn’t necessarily the panacea of sexual pleasure for all women. There are a number of important sociocultural influences that can lead to sexual dysfunction, even in women with perfectly functioning clitorises. Similarly, simply knowing the location and anatomy of the G-spot won’t necessarily lead to sexual pleasure or better sex for all women, and it’s important to keep that in mind when evaluating the importance of this research.

Its premature to draw any conclusions about all women from a dissection of a single cadaver. However, Dr. Ostrzenski claims he is currently currently conducting studies to identify the G-spot in women of different ages and believes the G-spot can weaken or rupture, most commonly through trauma experienced during labor.

If we create hype around the existence of the G-spot as the central pleasure point, we will see an unwarranted increase in potentially dangerous (and expensive) procedures for “G-spot amplification” such as the “G-shot” that temporarily augments the G-spot. The problem with treatments like this is that there is no scientific evidence to indicate that having this procedure done actually has any positive impact on pleasure or satisfaction, not to mention the lack of any research on risks or complications.

What is even more troubling to me is that Dr. Ostrzenski is a cosmetic gynecologist, and leading the public to believe that female sexual function will be improved by this discovery has the potential for major profit for his practice. Claims are already being made based on this research that you can “regain your self-confidence with genitalia rejuvenation”, despite these procedures having tragic consequences for many women.

Instead, more emphasis should be placed on the diversity found in women’s sexual pleasure and directed away from one anatomical structure being responsible for pleasure. There are a lot of interpersonal components that go into a pleasurable sexual experience. If focus is placed on finding some grape-like structure that was found in one cadaver, my concern is that pleasure might be replaced with disappointment for a lot of women.

Other Articles by Kristen Mark
Sexually Adventurous More Sexually Satisfied
Sexual Desire Discrepancy Uncovered

This post first appeared on the KinseyConfidential.com website on April 25, 2012.

Kristen Mark, MSc, is a doctoral candidate in Health Behavior at Indiana University. She is the Statistical Consultant and a Project Coordinator for the Center for Sexual Health Promotion, the Survey Director for Good in Bed, a writer for Kinsey Confidential and has written for websites and magazines. Find out more about Kristen on her website KristenMark.com, read her blogs on SexpertReMark.com, follow her on Twitter, and Pintrest.

Back to my friend catching her ex masturbating: She laughed recounting how he frantically pulled up his pants while muttering inane excuses. It was clear he was far more embarrassed than her by the incident.

After the laughter subsided her mood completely shifted. Angry she confided, “And then a few months later I found him with his pants down in front of the computer, looking at nude pictures.” There was a nervous hesitation then, “I could never trust him after that. And the mistrust was a big reason why we split up.”

I was writing about cyber sex and asking the regular Jane how she felt about it. Everyone–I mean everyone–assumed there was something wrong or missing in a relationship in order for an individual to turn to sex on the internet.

Of course this could be true. However, it never occurred to any of them that cyber sex could be a healthy sexual outlet for someone in a happy, stable relationship.

Something else became crystal clear: cyber sex is a contentious and complex couple issue. Perhaps for good reason but then again it shouldn’t become a relationship deal breaker.

I can well appreciate that a male partner looking at nude photos of bodacious beauties— secretly —on the internet is enough to shake-up even the most confident gal.

However, it’s my belief that the real trouble comes because the average busy couple is not willing to tackle the ‘relationship communication’ necessary to successfully navigate through this.

Here’s the deal with Cyber Sex
Most people automatically assume engaging in cyber sex equates to deviant behavior. In truth, the stigma around cyber sex comes down to a lot of unknowns which makes it seem threatening.

Plus, the internet is a relatively new medium which naturally makes for a blurred line of what is acceptable sexual behavior.

Is virtual sex considered cheating?
Maybe. It comes down to the people involved.

First, you need to assess your situation and decide whether cyber sex is: (1)a once in a while thing; (2) or happens frequently enough to get in the way of your relationship.

It’s a once in a while thing
You don’t have to like or accept this; but you do have to understand that if you give a “you can never do this” ultimatum, chances are your partner will still do it. Behind your back.

Instead, you need to discuss and come to an agreement on a few things. The first being: what does the term ‘having sex’ mean to you? Is it flirting, intercourse, oral sex, self pleasuring? Until you can figure this out, it’s almost impossible to go to step two.

Next you need to set boundaries on what is acceptable behavior within your partner’s online relationship(s) and personal relationship.

Then go online together, just once, to see what it’s about. That way when you have your ‘relationship communication’, it will be infinitely easier to set those all important boundaries.

What if they go online all the time?
So there you are, in the bedroom willing and wanting to have time together and your partner is busy jacking-off in front of their computer. All the time. This is where you need to sit down and have a frank conversation about how your partner’s behavior is affecting your relationship happiness. If the conversations just aren’t working, it’s time to seek out counseling.

Is it the sex or the secrecy?
I believe it’s the secrecy of your partner engaging in virtual sex that causes the majority of difficulty—if not devastation—to a relationship. I appreciate that it’s difficult to bring up that you want to dabble in cyber sex, but it’s even more difficult to try and resolve an issue of mistrust.

Last word on cyber sex
Believe it or not there are many benefits to cyber sex. Not only is it safe sex, it’s an easy way for someone to discover a hidden desire and become less sexually inhibited. As well, if you think you might want to try out a sexual fantasy, it’s a safe way to see if it suits you.

Perhaps one day, cyber sex might become as acceptable as fantasy or role play; another safe sex way to titillate the imagination. My guess is, however, it will be many, many years before that happens.

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This conundrum struck me while reading the Maclean’s article, “Why Sex Appeal Trumps an M.B.A” by Catherine Hakim former Senior Research Fellow for the London School of Economics. The article featured her newest book, Honey Money: The Power of Erotic Capital.

According to Hakim, “If women exploited their sex appeal when climbing the corporate ladder, they would be way ahead of men.” She is, of course, is stirring the feminist pot and yet I believe a lot of what she espouses to be true.

To stir the pot even further and add to her theory, I believe women lose a lot of their so called ‘Erotic Capital’ once they become moms.

Esther Perel’s wonderful book, Mating in Captivity, talks about how North American men, generally, see pregnant women and mommies as asexual. It was only men from non-Anglo Saxon roots that would flirt with moms.

I thought it an interesting observation; that is until I became pregnant with my first child. With the first bloom of baby-bump men shifted their focus to seeing me as a “Madonna”. Then once I sported said baby on my hip, I officially became asexual.

But the full effects of becoming asexual didn’t hit home until six months after giving birth. On a media tour (and childless) I was rushing through an airport wearing a fabulous clingy dress with smashing stiletto heels.

Was so preoccupied with not falling over as I teetered along—it had been at least a year since I wore high heels—that I almost didn’t notice men looking at me. At first I thought it a lucky one-off. But no. One fellow even stopped mid-tracks and nudged his friend.

For just a moment things went into slow motion and became surreal. I had gotten so used to being invisible to the opposite sex. Not that men didn’t find me attractive. It was more like I had a big imaginary mommy-off-limits “X” crossed out in front of me.

At first, I chastised myself for being so shallow and needing other people’s validation. But after a bit of navel gazing, I discovered it was much more than that. Somewhere, somehow, I allowed myself to be okay with being invisible; maybe even encouraged it by buying into the “well, I’m a mommy now so I come second” mentality.

You see, 95 percent of the time I’m in full-on mommy-mode. Which can only be described kindly as ‘frumpy’. This even when I’m making an effort to look nice for when I drop my child off at playschool.

I’ve been to airports with my kids in tow and I’ve not garnered even a second glance. It’s my kids who get all of the attention.

When I compare those two people rushing through the airport, frump-mom has zero Erotic Capital: clingy dress, stiletto wearing woman has a lot of Erotic Capital.

Which makes me wonder: Is it simply the change in confidence or a lack of kids that makes the difference?

It was then that I understood why so many moms no longer feel attractive/ sexy/ sexual. Even if they are. It is, in part, the acceptance of being invisible to the opposite sex when they are in full on mommy mode.

And so perhaps by genetic predisposition, once a woman bears another man’s child she loses her Erotic Capital. But the bigger question remains is this a part of the reason why women aren’t able to earn as much once they become moms?

I don’t have that answer. Just stirring the pot to see what comes of it.

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Dr. Trina Read is a leading relationship and sexual health expert and educator. She is a best selling author, media expert, syndicated blogger, international speaker, magazine columnist, and spokeswoman. Sign up for your free monthly newsletter filled with expert videos, articles, blogs and podcasts at Best Sex Tips Ever.com. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook

For those who haven’t heard of this book, it’s an erotica book cloaked in a ‘love story’. Christian Grey wants to dominate young and innocent Anastasia, and he wants her to be his submissive.

How do you explain to people who don’t believe fantasy is a good thing that a book about BDSM fantasy is an okay read? Not easy. But this interview, in my opinion, is everything that is ‘wrong’ with how our society acts and reacts to things that are outside the heterosexual-monogamous sex box.

And they brought in some heavy hitters to discuss this book. A clip of Dr. Laura Berman came on first and she explained that women do want and like the ‘bodice ripping’ type of fantasy.

Back in The Today studio, Host Savannah Gunthrie turned to her guest and wanted validation that the novel is “extremely disturbing” and that it is, “quite frankly, violence against women”.

First she asked Dr. Logan Levkoff who disagreed with Savannah that the book was ‘disturbing’ and then went on to talk about how fantasy and erotica are healthy. Not getting the response she wanted, Savannah then turned her attention to Dr. Drew Pinsky who was also “disturbed” and felt this novel, “went beyond fantasy and into actual violence against women.”

On the heels of this interview, Dr. Drew appeared on HLN with his wife—who loved the book—and brought out the fancy technical word, “pathology” to describe the sexual experience in this book. Pulease!

I just can’t understand why after having a long-running radio program and many TV shows on the topic of sex, Dr. Drew is so completely sex-negative. The only thing I can surmise is that he is pandering to the media, because the average American still believes this type of thing is morally wrong. It’s truly a shame the way he’s selling out to make a buck. Watch Canada.com video.

Now don’t get me wrong, this type of read isn’t for everyone. From the Amazon.com reviews, it’s clear that readers either love Fifty Shades of Grey or they hate it. And it probably has to do with the book being based in the world of BDSM (bondage discipline sado masochism).

What I think is interesting is how the American press is vilifying this type of female fantasy—again. In 1973 Nancy Friday gathered women’s fantasies and published My Secret Garden. Many of these average gal’s fantasies were about being dominated—just like Anastasia.

Similar to Fifty Shades of Grey there was a big outrage by the press saying it was ‘harmful’ to women.

Over 250,000 (and counting) of women have bought this book showing that some women really love this type of fantasy. It turns them on and makes them feel sexy and sexual.

Being titillated by erotica is as natural as breathing, and an incredibly easy way to get turned on.

If Fifty Shades of Grey doesn’t appeal to you, please don’t give up on erotica. This book may not be your thing, but there are a lot of other story lines that will appeal to you. Click here to read a hot little something, by Richard K. Monroe. (Here’s a second story if you liked that!)

And for the sake of women’s sexual emancipation world wide—sorry to be dramatic, but I feel that strongly—simply ignore the media and Dr. Drew when they tell you that it is harmful. It’s not.

You reading erotica and being sexually titillated is good…VERY good.

Read Richard Monroe’s (toe curling) Erotica
911
Late At The Office

Listen to Audio Erotic Stories
Nude HouseKeeping
The Pick-up Artist
Paint Me
Rags to Riches
A Little Off Base

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Dr. Trina Read is a leading relationship and sexual health expert and educator. She is a best selling author, media expert, syndicated blogger, international speaker, magazine columnist, and spokeswoman. Sign up for your free monthly newsletter filled with expert videos, articles, blogs and podcasts at Best Sex Tips Ever.com. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook

“More. Uh huh. More.”

“Right there, baby.”

Do these sound familiar? They aren’t just lovemaking sounds. They are what fancy sex researchers like to call Copulatory Vocalizations.

And according a recent study, women use these sounds very strategically during various love making activities.

But let’s discuss some background first…

Humans ain’t the only ones to make these love noises. Many primates make these sounds but here’s the catch. It’s usually just the female primate who makes these sounds.

And why does she make these sounds? Well for a number of reasons that stem from the main purpose of communicating to others nearby that sexual activity is taking place. Apparently most animals don’t have a designated smoosh room.

Some other reasons: strengthen the bond between the pair, incite male-male competition (maybe you have a male roommate who you like to be noisy for?), increase chances of the female mating with another dominant male, and/or simply to mate with additional males.

But back to those noisy human females.

In this particular study, 71 women recruited from the community (aged 18-48, average age 21yrs) were surveyed about their various orgasm tendencies….such as:

- Which methods lead to orgasm (masturbation alone or by partner, oral sex, manual stimulation during intercourse, manual stimulation from partner, penetration itself)

- when orgasm achieved (during foreplay, intercourse before partner orgasms/same time/after partner orgasms, during afterplay)

- sounds made – silence, moan/groan, scream/shriek/squeal, words (partner’s name, “yes”), instructional commands (“more”)

- when sounds made (when they knew they were not going to orgasm, to speed things up, to encourage partner’s climax, to terminate intercourse)

And what do these women say? Well, orgasm is most likely to occur during self-manipulation, manipulation by partner, oral sex by male partner, and least often by vaginal penetration.

This can’t really be new information any more, can it?

But, sounds peak right before male ejaculation even though that is the least likely time (during vaginal penetration) that orgasm is likely to happen for women.

She says: “Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby.”

She means: Damnit. Guess I’m not orgasming again tonight.

Well 66% (remember the sample was only 71 women) reported making sounds to speed up their partner’s ejaculation due to discomfort/pain, boredom and fatigue. I think copulatory vocalizations are positively correlated with jack hammering.

80% of women make noises when they know they aren’t going to orgasm. Sad face.

87% use these sounds to boost their partner’s self-esteem and 92% believe that they do.

So moral of the story: Use instructional copulatory vocalizations (think more, harder, to the left, don’t stop) to tell a partner what he/she/they can do to tell you achieve the big O.

Or help yourself. Just a thought.

Other Jocelyn Wentland Articles
Would You Date a Bisexual?
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Jocelyn Wentland is a Sex Researcher, PhD student at the University of Ottawa. You will find her blogs are sexual, risqué (she likes to push the envelope), potentially offending, fun, but most of all, real. Read more of Jocelyn’s blog at SexResearchandTheCity.com and follow her on Twitter.

I sometimes think the downside of living in a world where we talk a lot about sex is that people inevitably look to statistical or anecdotal information to see how they ‘measure up’. In a world where ‘more’ supposedly means ‘better’, our sex lives can start to feel like a contest.

Let me clear something up first–there really is no such things as ‘normal’ when it comes to the amount a couple has sex. A couple’s sexual relationship is as unique and varied as they are and is likely to change throughout their life cycle for a variety of reasons (pregnancy, child rearing, stress, aging, etc).

For some couples, once a month is fine, others prefer several times per week, others still a few times a year. The problem potentially comes when one partner wants sex much more (or much less) than the other partner and doesn’t feel like they can discuss it.

On that note, the first thing I thought when I read your message is: do you like to have sex every day too? If not, and if your husband’s desire to have daily sex feels like an expectation or imposition, then I would suggest you have a conversation with him.

Keep in mind that sometimes people feel like they need to reserve sexual energy for their partner, not realizing that their partner might be just as happy if they used masturbation as well.

I also think sometimes people haven’t learned about the many ways we can be intimate with our partners that go beyond sex–and in this case it might be worth seeking out a marital counselor to discuss.

Other Cynthia Loyst Blogs
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Outspoken, hip, irreverent – yet enlightening, Cynthia Loyst is a TV host, advice columnist & relationship coach who likes to ask uncomfortable questions. She’s also a certified life/relationship coach and guest expert on a variety of shows including The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV Newsnet and Etalk. Follow Cynthia on Twitter.

Welcome to the new bromance: for her. In our latter twentysomethings it’s typical for most of us to have a solid group of go-to friends. Either that or we lost ‘em all when we got hot and heavy with our man, so it is in this age bracket that we often venture out and meet new friends.

Fresh faces. Women who are more likeminded. Who don’t go as far back and who see us in a different like. The story goes similar to the script of I Love You, Man, a movie in which Paul Rudd and Jason Segel star. This film is a favourite of mine. It epitomizes the stages of getting to know someone new with similarities to how one begins dating.

Lately I’ve been asked out by a handful of women. Great, fun, beautiful women with similar interests, who frequent the same haunts as I, who run in the same sorts of circles. In the past month I’ve been on more bromance-for-her dates than I care to admit.

Picture: cheese plate after glass of kir royale after splitting a dessert (and another kir royale) later. Some lady dates have gone so well friendshiply that we don’t even end the date without making plans for the next one. Some end so poorly that you hope they found the connection just as off-putting so you don’t have to come up with an excuse not to see her again. These little get togethers are exciting and somewhat similar to blind dates. You hope they know you’re just looking for friendship and not love. You hope it can be a smooth encounter as opposed to one induced by silences and reaching for your glass.

After a bromance-for-her date you might start texting or Facebooking or using a form of communication as your choice, with the hope that your messages will go returned, that they feel the same way.

These dates are refreshing. At a time when we are so settled with work and a daily routine, it’s nice to bring something new into the mix. Someone new. If things don’t work out, at least you connected with someone new; at least you expanded your network. If things do work out then you profit a great friend. Be open to expanding your circle and you might be grateful for what you find and what they add to your lovely little life, lady!

Other Jen Kirsch Blogs
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Jen Kirsch is a relationship expert, columnist and blogger. She writes for ELLE, Canadian Living, Slice TV, Women’s Post, AOL Lifestyle, Notable.ca, ELLE Canada, Sympatico.com, The College Crush, Rebecca Eckler’s How To Raise A Boyfriend, PostCity Magazines and many more publications. Often seeked out for her to-the-point advice, Jen offers coaching sessions to singles and couples who want some direction in the dating world. Read her blog and follow her on Twitter.

Photo Source here.

New Year’s resolutions are great. They can be a catalyst for a lot of positive change–and they can also fizzle out within a month. I get the feeling that maybe you’d like to experiment with a few new tricks while adding some new sexual behaviors to your long term repertoire to keep things fresh.

You can do this by doing two things:
1) Figure out where to push the boundaries and where to leave them
2) Do something, ANYTHING different.

First off, don’t make the mistake of going over board too quickly. For instance, if the both of you know you want to keep things monogamous, I wouldn’t suggest you bringing a third party into bed. Or, if he knows you hate to watch yourself on video, he shouldn’t go videotaping your sex romps without you knowing.

However, people tend to find a lot more negotiable in their sex lives than they realized when they start to talk about it with their partners honestly. So, you might begin by planning a special night together with him and bring up the issue over a sexy dinner. I understand that you may need to initiate this first foray into the sexually explorative discussion but sex (usually, unless your masturbating by yourself) is a two way street. Part of what he needs to buy into during this discussion is his own responsibility in this relationship to turn up the heat as well. The issue is not your issue alone.

What you’ll both need to find out is what turn’s you on at the core. What do you respond to sexually without even thinking? And don’t rule out acts that you would consider socially unacceptable–rape fantasies rank among the most common fantasies for women–obviously you’d play this one out within reason. If you can’t think of anything off hand, rent/buy some erotic videos with varying themes and see what your body (and your mind) responds to. This can be a great way for the both of you to get conscious about what gets you off and it can also be a fun way to lead to a little sex play in front of the tellie.

Once you get a few ideas together, talk out the top one or two behaviors that you both seem most interested in. Granted, you both may find you have different erotic interests. But if you both discuss your favorites you can both figure out how far you’re willing to go to fill one another’s fantasy. An example might be that he’d love to try anal sex with you but you’re not into the idea of jumping right in to full penal/anal penetration. Why not then, buy a good lube a couple of non-intimidating anal toys to play with? Decide that you’ll initially only play on the outside of the anus and then maybe (if you’re comfortable) graduate up to finger insertion.

Maybe he’s a control freak but you’ve always wanted to tie him up and experiment with a little S&M. Negotiate what his limits are. There are many accoutrements now that allow for ‘light’ S&M play; satiny sashes that don’t tie too tightly and soft, playful whips. Just be sure you both decide on a ‘safe word’ that let’s you each know when you’re seriously done playing–many people like to say “no” or “don’t” as apart of the sex play. A safe word should be a word not normally used during sex…perhaps something as random as “kumquat” or “constellation”.

As mentioned the whole point is to do anything different. So, whether it’s even having sex in different rooms of your house or deciding to have regular sex dates–it doesn’t have to be a profound change–just a change. Some changes may stick and others may not but the point is you’re both making an effort to preserve the health of your sexual relationship. The fun part may just be in trying something new, even if it doesn’t work out. In fact, every New Year you may want to sit down with your partner and have your ritual dinner to come up with a kinky thing or two to do to keep each year as fresh as your first year together.

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Dr. Kat is a Clinical Sexologist Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing in the field of counseling since 1994. In addition to her training in Marriage, Family and Addictions, she has extensive sexuality training. Find out more at: Dr.Kat.com