Welcome to the new bromance: for her. In our latter twentysomethings it’s typical for most of us to have a solid group of go-to friends. Either that or we lost ‘em all when we got hot and heavy with our man, so it is in this age bracket that we often venture out and meet new friends.

Fresh faces. Women who are more likeminded. Who don’t go as far back and who see us in a different like. The story goes similar to the script of I Love You, Man, a movie in which Paul Rudd and Jason Segel star. This film is a favourite of mine. It epitomizes the stages of getting to know someone new with similarities to how one begins dating.

Lately I’ve been asked out by a handful of women. Great, fun, beautiful women with similar interests, who frequent the same haunts as I, who run in the same sorts of circles. In the past month I’ve been on more bromance-for-her dates than I care to admit.

Picture: cheese plate after glass of kir royale after splitting a dessert (and another kir royale) later. Some lady dates have gone so well friendshiply that we don’t even end the date without making plans for the next one. Some end so poorly that you hope they found the connection just as off-putting so you don’t have to come up with an excuse not to see her again. These little get togethers are exciting and somewhat similar to blind dates. You hope they know you’re just looking for friendship and not love. You hope it can be a smooth encounter as opposed to one induced by silences and reaching for your glass.

After a bromance-for-her date you might start texting or Facebooking or using a form of communication as your choice, with the hope that your messages will go returned, that they feel the same way.

These dates are refreshing. At a time when we are so settled with work and a daily routine, it’s nice to bring something new into the mix. Someone new. If things don’t work out, at least you connected with someone new; at least you expanded your network. If things do work out then you profit a great friend. Be open to expanding your circle and you might be grateful for what you find and what they add to your lovely little life, lady!

Other Jen Kirsch Blogs
Women Stop Misreading Your Dates
Dealing With Relationship Anger
Toss the Tee and Throw on a Pair of Heels

Jen Kirsch is a relationship expert, columnist and blogger. She writes for ELLE, Canadian Living, Slice TV, Women’s Post, AOL Lifestyle, Notable.ca, ELLE Canada, Sympatico.com, The College Crush, Rebecca Eckler’s How To Raise A Boyfriend, PostCity Magazines and many more publications. Often seeked out for her to-the-point advice, Jen offers coaching sessions to singles and couples who want some direction in the dating world. Read her blog and follow her on Twitter.

Photo Source here.

New Year’s resolutions are great. They can be a catalyst for a lot of positive change–and they can also fizzle out within a month. I get the feeling that maybe you’d like to experiment with a few new tricks while adding some new sexual behaviors to your long term repertoire to keep things fresh.

You can do this by doing two things:
1) Figure out where to push the boundaries and where to leave them
2) Do something, ANYTHING different.

First off, don’t make the mistake of going over board too quickly. For instance, if the both of you know you want to keep things monogamous, I wouldn’t suggest you bringing a third party into bed. Or, if he knows you hate to watch yourself on video, he shouldn’t go videotaping your sex romps without you knowing.

However, people tend to find a lot more negotiable in their sex lives than they realized when they start to talk about it with their partners honestly. So, you might begin by planning a special night together with him and bring up the issue over a sexy dinner. I understand that you may need to initiate this first foray into the sexually explorative discussion but sex (usually, unless your masturbating by yourself) is a two way street. Part of what he needs to buy into during this discussion is his own responsibility in this relationship to turn up the heat as well. The issue is not your issue alone.

What you’ll both need to find out is what turn’s you on at the core. What do you respond to sexually without even thinking? And don’t rule out acts that you would consider socially unacceptable–rape fantasies rank among the most common fantasies for women–obviously you’d play this one out within reason. If you can’t think of anything off hand, rent/buy some erotic videos with varying themes and see what your body (and your mind) responds to. This can be a great way for the both of you to get conscious about what gets you off and it can also be a fun way to lead to a little sex play in front of the tellie.

Once you get a few ideas together, talk out the top one or two behaviors that you both seem most interested in. Granted, you both may find you have different erotic interests. But if you both discuss your favorites you can both figure out how far you’re willing to go to fill one another’s fantasy. An example might be that he’d love to try anal sex with you but you’re not into the idea of jumping right in to full penal/anal penetration. Why not then, buy a good lube a couple of non-intimidating anal toys to play with? Decide that you’ll initially only play on the outside of the anus and then maybe (if you’re comfortable) graduate up to finger insertion.

Maybe he’s a control freak but you’ve always wanted to tie him up and experiment with a little S&M. Negotiate what his limits are. There are many accoutrements now that allow for ‘light’ S&M play; satiny sashes that don’t tie too tightly and soft, playful whips. Just be sure you both decide on a ‘safe word’ that let’s you each know when you’re seriously done playing–many people like to say “no” or “don’t” as apart of the sex play. A safe word should be a word not normally used during sex…perhaps something as random as “kumquat” or “constellation”.

As mentioned the whole point is to do anything different. So, whether it’s even having sex in different rooms of your house or deciding to have regular sex dates–it doesn’t have to be a profound change–just a change. Some changes may stick and others may not but the point is you’re both making an effort to preserve the health of your sexual relationship. The fun part may just be in trying something new, even if it doesn’t work out. In fact, every New Year you may want to sit down with your partner and have your ritual dinner to come up with a kinky thing or two to do to keep each year as fresh as your first year together.

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Dr. Kat is a Clinical Sexologist Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing in the field of counseling since 1994. In addition to her training in Marriage, Family and Addictions, she has extensive sexuality training. Find out more at: Dr.Kat.com

As such he decided the best compromise was to buy a perfectly proportioned blow up doll. Problem was it was going to cost him $10,000 USD plus. He had been saving from his two waitering jobs and had almost come up with the entire amount. He was eagerly anticipating when he would finally be able to have his perfect woman.

What I found interesting was my colleague’s reaction. She is in the business of selling sex paraphernalia and yet she was mildly disgusted with this man’s intentions. From her reaction, I assumed he was some overt pervert let loose in Vancouver.

As fate would have it, the next morning this man was my waiter. To my surprise he was extremely courteous and polite; in fact, he was the epitome of professionalism. As I covertly watched him under lowered lashes I could tell he treated his fellow female staff with the same level of respect.

Fetishes are definitely something people don’t understand and therefore label as deviant. Because these people don’t tow the what-is-socially-acceptable-for-sexual-behavior-line (i.e. heterosexual monogamous sex) they are automatically labeled as freaks. It is my experience that, generally, these people are just the opposite.

Some people have certain proclivities that make them sexually aroused—like BDSM, feet, or latex, or blow up dolls. So what? As long as they are safe, sane and consensual with what they are doing, then there should be no reason to judge that person. But yet we still do—even people in the sex industry who deal with this all the time are judging.

You (yes you) mingle with fetish people on a daily basis. It’s only when you find out what they are up to behind closed doors that things get weird for you (yes you).

I appreciate complete sexual tolerance will never be something I will see in my lifetime. Ironic as people feel they are liberal enough when it comes to sex.

Read other related blog posts
Would you date a bisexual?
Are open relationships more popular?
Casual Sex is now the norm
Trip to dentist a sexy fetish
Female friendly porn

Dr. Trina Read is a leading relationship and sexual health expert and educator. Sign up for your free monthly newsletter filled with expert videos, articles, blogs and podcasts at Best Sex Tips Ever.com. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook

This is some cool home-grown research being done by my lab mate Heather Armstrong at the University of Ottawa.

Here are some Coles Notes findings regarding people’s perceptions of dating a bisexual in a casual, dating, or committed relationships:

For men dating a bisexual woman
- Men feel moderate pressure to show that a man can be a sexually satisfying partner compared to a women–regardless of relationships type

- Men show moderate levels of worry that they cannot fulfill all of their partner’s sexual needs

- Men aren’t very jealous in general but are more jealous about their female partner’s male friends vs her female friends

For women dating a bisexual man
- Women are more likely to worry that their partner is really gay (a common myth about bisexuality in general)

- Women are more jealous in general (*sigh*) and feel more jealous about their male partner’s male friends vs his female friends

- Women are more worried that their partner would cheat on them or leave them for a same-sex partner

And what about those threesomes?
Well for the Bisexual Woman + Male Partner + random female = Men find the idea or fantasy of having a threesome with two women arousing and are likely to participate if given the opportunity. But….even though men want to have a threesome, they don’t expect to.

AND wanting and expecting a threesome and the importance of said threesome decline as the relationship level becomes more involved.

As for the Bisexual Man + Female Partner + random male = Women do not want to have a threesome with their partner and another man and they worry that their male partner might want to have a threesome with her and another man.

Perhaps this information helps you determine if dating a bisexual is for you!

Jocelyn Wentland is a Sex Researcher, PhD student at the University of Ottawa. You will find her blogs are sexual, risqué (she likes to push the envelope), potentially offending, fun, but most of all, real. Read more of Jocelyn’s blog at Sex Research and The City.com

And you know what? Casual sex relationships can be complicated as f@#@k. I know that. I probably know that more than your average bear. But here I am…on the defense for casual sex.

But what I have been quite surprised about this week is the bad rap that casual sex apparently has. Since when are we all down on casual sex?

And here is one issue that I have with this negative attitude people have towards casual sex.

The average age of intercourse is 17 in Canada. The average age at marriage is 28 for females and 30 for men (in Canada). So there around 10 years of ‘single’ time for most young adults.

Now, you might be partnered during that time. And hopefully you can get a partner and keep them for the duration of your pre-married years. Or hopefully you are a serial monogamist and can jump from one relationship to another with absolutely no lag time (i.e., dry spells) between relationships. And btw, preventing dry spells is more successful if you are a mate poacher or have been mate poached.

But…what happens when you do have an unfortunate dry spell? Or what if you don’t want to be partnered? What if you don’t want a relationship? What if your schedule doesn’t lend itself well to couples’ events and navigating your partnered relationship on Facebook and 8 seasons of The Office?

Should you accept a life of celibacy other than your own self-pleasuring?

Hell no.

Why don’t you get yourself some casual sex? And I don’t mean the totally incapacitated, erectile dysfunction, passing out before sex, barfing in bed, walk of shame type of One Night Stand sex.

What about some regular casual sex? Might I suggest a Booty Call or a F@#@k Buddy or a Friend with some Benefits?

Sure, you’re going to have to negotiate the rules of engagement. Sure, it might be a bit complicated.

But so are relationships. And lots of relationships don’t work. But you don’t hear people calling down relationships all day long. (In fact, I’d argue a lot of people spend a lot of time either trying to get into one or trying to make sure they stay in their current one.)

I think (casual) sex for two is worth some negotiation, no?

Click here for a copy of the article for your (casual sexual) reading pleasure – Taking casual sex not too casually

Jocelyn Wentland is a Sex Researcher, PhD student at the University of Ottawa. You will find her blogs are sexual, risqué (she likes to push the envelope), potentially offending, fun, but most of all, real. Read more of Jocelyn’s blog at Sex Research and The City.com

I have a lot of feelings on this subject. I remember the first time I saw a pornographic film, I was overwhelmed with complicated and contradictory thoughts. While I was definitely intrigued, I also wondered, “Is this the way women have to look to be sexy? Is this the only way sexual pleasure looks like? Why does everyone seem to be so ‘nasty’? Is this the way I’m supposed to ‘act’???!!!”

That was probably the thing that bothered me the most–the sense of fakeness about the whole thing. And to this day, whenever I watch something that seems overly acted (ahem, here’s looking at you, mainstream porn), I am totally turned off.

This is one of the reasons why I have to thank the feminist porn movement. While not everything feminist filmmakers create is for me, these hardworking women (and men… and transfolk) are trying to create a different type of product – a product that represents sexual pleasure and passion in all its diversity.

So, in honour of the Feminist Porn Awards that are taking place here in Toronto, here are my top feminist porn icons:

Annie Sprinkle
San Francisco-based Annie Sprinkle is a postmodern sex goddess who has been a prostitute, a porn star, a performance artist and an inspiration for many women worldwide. I had the opportunity to go to Annie’s house in San Francisco a few years ago to interview her. Even though she made me wait half an hour while she finished her bath, I have to say she was a total delight. Any woman who does “public cervix announcements” (hyperlink: http://www.anniesprinkle.org/html/writings/pca.html) is A-okay by me.

Betty Dodson
For more than 30 years, Betty Dodson has been dedicated to taking the shame out of masturbation, showing it to be a healthy form of sexual expression. She has produced four videos: Selfloving: Portrait of a Sexual Seminar, Celebrating Orgasm: Women’s Private Selfloving Sessions, Viva la Vulva; Women’s Sex Organs Revealed and The Orgasm Doctor”: Two Private Hands-on Sex Coaching Sessions. While they are not necessarily intended to be erotic – the honesty and rawness of the experiences that the women go through on camera is unbelievably sensual.

Tony Comstock
In truth, this is not the actual name of the man behind ‘Comstock Films.’ As his website says, “the real Anthony Comstock was a prude of the first order” and Comstock Films is founded in memory of Anthony Comstock. Since 1995, ‘Tony’ and his wife Peggy have been making films that show real couples having real sex. Part documentary and part pornographic film – these films are definitely a celebration of the love that the couples they film share.

Candida Royalle
A pioneer in the adult film industry, Candida Royalle starred in over 25 films and then launched her own production company to create erotic films from a woman’s perspective. At the time, many men told her she was a fool and that no women would watch hardcore images. They couldn’t have been more wrong. Candida Royalle’s Femme Productions are definitely worth checking out!

Buck Angel
Buck Angel is not only one of the most well-known transsexual pornographic actors to date – he is also (in my opinion) one of the sexiest boys around. I had the honour to hang out with him and his wife in New Orleans a number of years ago – and his openness to speak about his journey from female to male was humbling. A true pioneer in the adult business.

Outspoken, hip, irreverent – yet enlightening, Cynthia Loyst is a TV host, advice columnist & relationship coach who likes to ask uncomfortable questions. She’s also a certified life/relationship coach and guest expert on a variety of shows including The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV Newsnet and Etalk. Follow Cynthia on Twitter.

Anger is a healthy emotion to have – it’s what we do with it that get’s us in trouble.

First thing’s first: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. When we’re going through whatever drama or bad day we’re going through, it becomes easy to start picking up on issues and annoyances and things are partner does. Something as simple as him whistling while you’re fuming on the inside after a day gone awry, is enough to throw you off even more.

But don’t let that little, nasty voice (dressed up in a devils costume at the side of your shoulder) get the best of you. Keep quiet, because I can assure you, when you’re that worked up, talking or finger pointing will only make matters worse. Let’s not subject others to your negativity, for we all know like breeds like.

So what are you to do if you’re feeling angry and you want to take it out on your Facebook status, Twitter tweets, silent treatment of your partner or the like to ever so passive aggressively get your point across? Stop yourself. Seriously, it’s that easy.

We are mature enough by now to finally be able to detect when we are acting from emotion and when we are acting from a higher intelligence and intuition. Don’t give into your emotion, because it always passes us by and what is left is some easy-to-read-behind-the-lines kind of social activity that just makes everyone feel awkward. Plus we all can relate to regretting what we’ve said and how we’ve behaved in a moment of anger. You can’t take that away, so better to avoid acting on it.

Well then what do you do with this anger, you ask? Change in your negative energy for positive energy. Go to the gym, take a walk, go to a yoga class, choose some tunes that resonate with your current situation and belt them out (when you’re alone at home, or in your car), spend time with friends, journal, save draft an email of what you want to say to someone who angered you – though be sure not to put their email address up top, and not to send it of course.

Stay silent and refrain from updating any of your social networks on your current negativity. Most importantly, have the foresight to realize what comes when you act on anger. That knowingness alone should stop you in your tracks, as if you’re watching over yourself ensuring you deal with this emotion with grace. I’m not saying to ignore your feelings, but nothing productive gets accomplished when you act on them in the moment.

Let them pass you by and if you are still bothered the following day or later in the week, approach the situation from a healthy place, through a non-threatening conversation.

Here are some of my favourite quotes on dealing with anger. Write them down, save them in your phone, keep them around so when the moment strikes, you can save yourself:
“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape one hundred days of sorrow.”

“When anger arises think of the consequences.”

“Do not live by emotions; instead live by intuition and conciousness.”

Jen Kirsch is a relationship expert, columnist and blogger. She writes for ELLE, Canadian Living, Slice TV, Women’s Post, AOL Lifestyle, Notable.ca, ELLE Canada, Sympatico.com, The College Crush, Rebecca Eckler’s How To Raise A Boyfriend, PostCity Magazines and many more publications. Often seeked out for her to-the-point advice, Jen offers coaching sessions to singles and couples who want some direction in the dating world. Read her blog and follow her on Twitter.

However, in a recent study I conducted at the University of New Brunswick (UNB), it appears as though men may be just as hard-wired for romance as women (click here to read about my study in the paper).

My study assessed implicit attitudes toward sex and romance among 182 UNB students – 68 men and 114 women. Implicit attitudes are attitudes that exist just below awareness. They are the attitudes that people hold that they are not necessarily aware of. In order to capture these attitudes, the participants administered a computer test called the Implicit Association Test (IAT). The IAT is designed to measure reaction speed in order to assess implicit attitudes. In doing so, participants were instructed to categorize both sexual (pornographic) and romantic (e.g., couple strolling along a beach, a picnic, or a romantic dinner) images to pleasant and unpleasant categories.

The quicker the sexual and romantic images were paired to a particular category the stronger the association between the two. For example, if a participant can more quickly categorize sexual with pleasant and romantic with unpleasant, it can be posited he/she has an automatic preference for sexual over romantic images.

Contrary to what many of you may assume, my research indicated that BOTH men and women shared an implicit preference for romance over sex. Meaning that men and women automatically associated the romantic images to the pleasant category quicker than they did the sexual images. It is important to note, that we DID find a gender difference. In particular, we found that women preferred romantic images more so than did men, however, the surprising result still is that they BOTH preferred romance over sex!

Although my results may have come as quite a shock to you, it is not completely unheard of in the research world. In fact, several studies have indicated that men may be just as romantic as women if not MORE. Specifically, the latest findings by psychologist Marissa Harrison (2011), from Pennsylvania State University in the US, determined that men fall in love quicker and take longer to fall out of love when compared to women. In fact, it was found that men were three times more likely to declare their love before women when involved in a heterosexual relationship.

So, the next time you are deciding what movie to catch on a first date, a romantic comedy may be just as appealing to your man as it is to you!

Ashley Thompson is a PhD student at the University of New Brunswick in experimental and applied psychology with research interests in sexuality and attraction. Ashley completed her undergraduate degree at University of Wisconsin at River Falls in psychology. She is originally from Minneapolis, Minnesota and has moved to Canada for her graduate pursuits. Find out more at Turned-On.net.

Faking orgasm . Or pretending orgasm, as researchers like to call it this day. Dress it up however you like. I don’t get it.

I’ve said before that I’m no mathemagician but my parents taught me that 2 wrongs don’t make a right. So how does bad sex + rewarding bad behaviour = a good sexy time?

According to research, sometimes women just know they won’t orgasm so for them it’s better to fake one rather than prolong sex….Or maybe this is a casual partner and the woman doesn’t want to have to explain that they won’t orgasm….Or maybe orgasm isn’t the point of sex for the woman (but if orgasm isn’t the point, then why exactly are you faking an orgasm?). By the way…these are the reasons that both men AND women report for ‘pretending’ orgasm.

That’s right. Men pretend, too. We have lots of research on women and pretending, but not much for men. In general, 55-65% of women report having ever faked an orgasm.

Men’s rates? 25%! Yes, 25%.

What’s the best way to pretend an orgasm? Well if you are a woman, you’re likely to moan, moan loud, and breathe both fast and loud. If you are a man, you’re likely to thrust fast and thrust hard (Even better if Daft Punk Harder Better Faster Stronger is playing in the background). As for the condom? Best to dispose of that asap.

Your thrust is my moan (well not mine, because I don’t fake it).

And what about reasons for faking the Big O? The top reasons for men include orgasm was unlikely (perhaps one too many Jager Bombs, buddy?) and that they simply wanted the sex to end (reasons like not finding their partner that attractive mid-sex).

Top reasons for women: avoiding negative consequences like hurting their partner’s feelings.

Call me crazy, but I just feel that if you and said partner are sticking items into each other’s orifices (ear, belly button, mouth, vagina, anus) this warrants a “I’m not going to orgasm like this, kitten” [you can insert whichever pet name you like here] comment.

Now, statistically speaking, I know I have faked it. Buy I really can’t think of the last time I faked it nor any memorable times when I did fake it. And no, this is not some reflection of 100% stellar sexual partners.

If we turn the tables for a second…For me, the pride from making someone cum is a bit of a reward (stop yelling at me, I know orgasms aren’t always the whole point, but I think orgasm’ing is a worthwhile goal, no?) and I’m not just gonna pass out that reward like cheap Halloween candy if it’s not happenin’ for me.

If I found out that my partner’s ‘orgasm’ was just theatrics, I’d be pissed. But I guess, 1 out of 4 of my partners technically could have faked it, right? Perhaps I am a mathemagician after all…

My other issue with faking it has to do with the whole notion of perpetuating bad behaviour. So let’s break this down….

Dick (this pun wasn’t even on purpose) and Jane have sex. Jane fakes mind-blowing orgasms.

Result: Dick thinks he is amazing in bed and takes his tricks on tour.

Dick and Mary have sex. Dick pulls out (no, not that kind of pulling out) what he thinks are his tried and true mind-blowing orgasm tricks.

Alternate endings:
1. Mary is the Hopes and Dreams Crusher and tells Dick that those moves don’t work for all women. Dick changes his bags of trick. Mary experiences said mind-blowing orgasm(s).
2. Mary fakes it, their sex is mediocre at best, and Dick carries on thinking that he’s da bomb in bed.

If you were Dick’s next partner, wouldn’t you give Mary a fist pound for giving Dick some better tips, tricks, and treats that he brought to your bedroom?

Help a Dick out! (So my plea to women: on behalf of all future women that may have sex with your little friend: stop faking it.)

Jocelyn Wentland is a Sex Researcher, PhD student at the University of Ottawa. You will find her blogs are sexual, risqué (she likes to push the envelope), potentially offending, fun, but most of all, real. Read more of Jocelyn’s blog at Sex Research and The City.com

First of all, let me commend you for seeking advice! Throughout the course of our sexual lives there are many different types of challenges that may require our attention. It’s important that you get the right information to get the best help.

Just to remind you, I’m not a medical doctor or a sexual health educator but according to Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada (SOGC), “painful intercourse is most often reported by women although it occurs in men as well”. There are many different reasons that can cause painful sex from hormonal changes to infections to psychological factors.

There is also a condition called Vaginismus where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse. Vaginismus is highly treatable and does not require drugs, surgery, hypnosis, nor any other complex invasive technique. You can find out more information about this at www.vaginismus.com.

Although we all love to explore the internet to get information, it’s important not to self diagnose. Talk to your doctor (or go to a Hassle Free Clinic http://www.hasslefreeclinic.org/) to determine what the best course of action is for you.

And on a personal note, I hope your partner gives you the support you need while you figure out what is going on. Remember: there are lots of fun things you can do that don’t involve penetration and the fact that you are having orgasms already is a great reminder of that!

Outspoken, hip, irreverent – yet enlightening, Cynthia Loyst is a TV host, advice columnist & relationship coach who likes to ask uncomfortable questions. She’s also a certified life/relationship coach and guest expert on a variety of shows including The Marilyn Denis Show, CTV Newsnet and Etalk. Follow Cynthia on Twitter.