When people lose touch with their sexuality and sensuality, the quintessential intimacy between a couple is lost. A marriage can function without sex but it cannot function without intimacy and touch.

Erectile problems usually are a big red flag that something is not working on the man’s body. For example, if he has high blood pressure that is leading to a stroke, or the first signs of diabetes, he won’t be able to achieve a full erection for any degree of time. It is absolutely necessary he go to the doctor and get this checked out—even if he is mortified to talk about his lack of erection.

When women go through menopause she loses most of her estrogen. Intercourse can be uncomfortable to painful.

Skin thickens as we age and it becomes more difficult to achieve orgasm as easily.

How does ignoring these problems affect the other aspects of the relationship?
Women feel they are not sexy enough and that their partner is rejecting them. Men feel a big part of them has died and are silently distraught.

We live in a very sexualized society. In the last twenty five years we’ve come to value part of our self worth based on our sexuality and sexiness.

With women’s emancipation the ideal that sex was her wifely duty was tossed. She was given her orgasm and expected to enjoy sex with her sexual encounter—even though her burden was doubled with work and home life. It’s a sad paradox that there is so much expectation on how couples are expected to enjoy sex in order to keep up with the Jone’s.

So, yes, I do believe couples have WAY too many unrealistic expectations around sex. But then again, I’d be out of a job if they didn’t.

It’s important for couples to realize that sex is an ever evolving entity. Unfortunately, most couples force and keep a static, “we must have sex once a week in order to meet average couple standards”.

Generally though, after two years, it takes a woman a minimum fifteen minutes for her body to become sufficiently aroused. That is if she doesn’t have a million and one things going on in her head—her amygdale will disable her body from becoming fully aroused until she is able to check off everything on her to-do list. So for run of the mill, garden variety sex, at least twenty to thirty minutes. (The average couple’s sex lasts for ten to fifteen minutes meaning that the average gal is not sufficiently aroused when intercourse starts.)

HOWEVER, when a couple is in the zone and can’t wait to rip each other’s clothes off, great sex can be hard and fast up against the wall.

My answer to you is: generally a minimum 20 minutes but sometimes it will take longer or sometimes be a quickie. It’s really where a couple is their head and relationship.

Why do we think it has to take hours—and does this affect the amount of sex we have? Because every sex expert preaches, “foreplay, foreplay, foreplay.” People automatically think great sex needs to includes, baths, massages, candles, etc. And it certainly doesn’t hurt, but planning and executing takes a lot of time.

Therefore, the best foreplay is keeping intimacy alive outside the bedroom so you don’t have to go to all the work to get reconnected inside the bedroom.

For more information go to: http://sexualhealthaccess.org/images/pdf/itl_sept_2008.pdf

What’s really behind decline of teen sex
By LAURA WERSHLER
With a newly released StatsCan study on Canadian teen sexual behaviour and a new book out of the
U.S. raising the spectre of sex-addicted adolescents, parents must be left scratching their heads.
Let’s start with the StatsCan study. It suggests two encouraging trends: teens are delaying
intercourse and are more likely to use condoms than ever before. But keep in mind the sample was small (only 80 youth in Alberta, about 900 across the country) and the “new” stats were collected in 2005.

Interestingly girls account for the changes. The number of young women (15 to 19) reporting ever
having had intercourse fell from 51 per cent in 1996/97 to 43 per cent in 2005. Young men stayed steady at 43 per cent. Although the female rate of condom use increased from 65 per cent to 70 per cent in 2005, the male rates remain unchanged at the higher rate of 80 per cent.

An August 27 Calgary Herald editorial (Don’t Just Do It) infers from the report that postponing
intercourse is attributable to teaching abstinence in schools. How did the editorial board draw this
conclusion?

Mounting evidence demonstrates that improved access to comprehensive sexual health education is
to be commended for contributing to such positive trends.

Another misguided notion in the editorial is “teens want and need the adults in their lives to set
boundaries, to establish rules and guidelines for behaviour”. How? By pushing abstinence.

The abstinence message comes across loud and clear in the new book, Hooked: New Science on
How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children which was featured in the Herald on Aug. 25. A quick
Google search reveals authors Dr. Joe McIlhaney and Dr. Freda Bush are ardent abstinence-untilmarriage advocates.

Their premise is that teen sex is bad for the brain because bonding hormones released during sex
can become addictive. Yet Bush says that when two people are in a committed relationship, that
addictive hormone is a good thing, ensuring a strong union.

This begs the question: Why do they believe that teens aren’t capable of, or shouldn’t have,
committed sexual relationships?

The authors of Hooked are not alone in this belief.

The tendency to discourage teens from having sexual relationships is at the core of the research of
American sociologist Amy Schalet. In a widely read paper entitled Must We Fear Adolescent Sexuality?
Schalet compared the experience of adolescent sexuality in the U.S. and Netherlands based on indepth
interviews with teens and parents from both countries.

It is well-documented that sexual health outcomes for teens in the Netherlands are among the best in
the world (low rates of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections) while those in the U.S. are
the worst among developed countries. The biggest difference between the two cultures is that the U.S. dramatizes adolescent sexuality while the Netherlands normalizes it. American parents fear the “battle between the sexes” and perceive teen relationships as dangerous and therefore to be discouraged. Dutch parents expect their young people to gather sexual experience in the context of relationships and accept sexuality as a normal part of adolescence.

If teen sex is damaging our kids’ brains, or hearts, perhaps the actual culprit is people like the
authors of Hooked.

Couldn’t their dramatic campaign against teen sexual relationships lead to the very danger they
warn against — casual sex?

Their wellmeaning tips (eg. write down your commitment to abstain from sex, limit the amount of
physical contact) on how parents can help their children say “no” are about as practical as the Herald
editorial’s assertion that what teens want and need are rules to guide their sexual behaviour.
What teens want and need is clearly stated in Beyond the Big Talk, a study published in March
2008 in the journal Pediatrics.

This study on parent-adolescent communication about sexual topics found that parents who take a
rule oriented, domineering approach to talking about sex risk hindering open, productive discussion and
can expect more contempt, dishonesty and disengagement from their teens.

The encouraging message for parents is this: Teens want open, supportive parents who engage in respectful, give-and-take conversations that foster ongoing communication about sexual issues.
Parents who talk early and often with their kids about sexuality have significant potential to reduce
risky sexual behaviour and promote healthy sexual development.

Maybe the good news StatsCan report is evidence that more Canadian parents consider open
discussion about sexuality a normal part of family life.

LAURA WERSHLER IS THE EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF SEXUAL HEALTH ACCESS
ALBERTA. SHAA IS WORKING ON A PROJECT TO ENCOURAGE PARENTS TO TALK EARLY
AND OFTEN ABOUT SEXUAL ISSUES WITH THEIR CHILDREN.

So no, a kiss is not meant, and should never mean “this is the first step to us having sex”. In fact, sadly, too many couples get caught in the trap of, “the only time we kiss is when sex is initiated”. Making women cringe when her partner kisses her—very bad couple dynamic.

How does it make us healthier as a couple?
ANY intimacy outside the bedroom that doesn’t lead to “we must have sex inside the bedroom” is an extremely healthy couple dynamic.

When couples can consciously kiss each other every day with no sex-strings attached, it will make getting in the mood for sex infinitely easier.

How or why does it make us feel less stressed?
Kissing releases oxytocin—men have it too—helping couples feel closer and more intimate. This brain chemical decreases corticosterone and other stress hormones and helps lower blood pressure.

Women’s response to kissing is amplified due to her estrogen (especially when she is ovulating—when she is peaking in her estrogen levels) and are more responsive to the intimate touch (the reason every sex expert preaches, “foreplay, foreplay, foreplay”).

(An orgasm produces a spike and more than two times the normal level of oxytocin, accounting for the calming after sex glow.)

Is there anything unusual about kissing and health that you’ve come across in your work?
Soon after a relationship is established, people don’t give oral hygiene as much thought as they should. Bad breath being a mitigating factor in why a lot of couples stop kissing.

Here’s what I had to say on: how long should sex last, period sex, and whether to swallow.

How long should sex last?
There’s a belief that in order for a guy to be super studly, he needs to last all through the night. Definitely there are some guys and gals who would be on board.

Generally, for the majority of women, the closeness of intercourse feels nice, but it’s probably not getting her off. So going all night long will become monotonous and boring.

It’s important to know that for women, only about 33% of women will consistently have a vaginal orgasm. About 33% of women, when properly aroused, will sometimes have a vaginal orgasm. And approximately 33% of women will never have a vaginal orgasm. This is due to her “x” chromosome and no sexual technique can change how she is built.

This is especially true when there isn’t enough foreplay for her vagina to become sufficiently aroused. In fact, her natural lubrication will last for about 15 to 20 minutes—after that chaffing can occur which will make the intercourse uncomfortable to painful.

The anus has no natural lubrication so for guys (and gals too) it’s all about lubrication, lubrication, lubrication. Good tip: Always have a bottle of water based lube at the side of your bed—apply generously and often.

So for the average couple, 15 to 20 minutes of intercourse will probably do the trick. Want the sex to last longer? Well then focus on tons of foreplay and taking a break during intercourse to do other erotic activities.

Regardless, it’s always best to talk about what each other wants and likes. The best part? Just talking about it will get you all revved up and horny.

Should you have sex during your period?
There isn’t any reason why a couple shouldn’t have sex during her period as all aspects of her sexual response are the same. Couples can use a vibrator or have oral sex, if they choose.

What usually stops a couple from having sex during her period is the “ick” factor. If you feel a bit uncomfortable about the potential mess but at the same time are horny, a good idea is to have sex in the shower. Otherwise, a towel under your butt will nicely do the trick.

Some women find the experience quite erotic as she already has the “full” feeling in her pelvic area. Best way to navigate is let her be the guide as to what is going to happen over that five to seven days.

One word of caution: although it is very rare, there is a slim chance a gal can get pregnant. So put a condom on your cowboy if babies aren’t something you want in your immediate future.

There are varying opinions on the “spit-swallow” BJ debate. Is there any reason that one is “better” than the other?
To spit or swallow—that is the question. Some people find it unbelievably sexy to swallow their partner’s spunk, while others are repulsed by the idea. Neither is right or wrong. It really comes down to personal preference.

Men, in general, prefer to have their partner swallow because it keeps the momentum, intimacy and flow of a good blow job going.

If you’re on the fence not knowing if you want to swallow, know your facts. A man will ejaculate between one to three teaspoons of semen—although men want to believe it’s a lot more. The taste of semen is unique to each guy and so if you’ve tried swallowing with one guy and his taste turned you off, it might be a completely different experience with a new fellow. And for those calorie counters, there’s only about five calories per teaspoon—which you’ll be working off during sex so no need to worry.

If you’ve tried to swallow and really don’t like it, no worries. You should never feel guilt about not swallowing when you aren’t comfortable with it. Simply tell your partner, it’s better to have someone giving your Johnson a good licking and not swallow than to have no blow job at all.

And remember, oral sex on him and her can transmit STDs. Always protect yourself when your with a new partner and you don’t know their sexual history.

Great interview with some thought provoking questions. Here’s what Caroline and I talked about.

Self Magazine
The subject is how life changes affect your sex life. Everything from little switches (hair color, bikini wax) to life shifts (new baby, moving to a new city) can and has altered my sex life with my husband and I don’t think I’m the only one who has experienced such reverberations. A few questions
Is this common?
Dr. Trina’s response
Very common.
Positive things where you take care of yourself (hair color, bikini wax) will see you being more willing to have sex. Bigger life changes where new habits/ way of life needs to be learned will negatively affect the sex.

Self Magazine
Is it normal for a couple to experience such swings in their sex life over the course of their relationship? Why or why not?
Dr. Trina’s response
Swings are normal.
Why? Over the course of a relationship, sometimes you want to be a couple and sometimes you want to be an individual. When a person is in a period of “self-growth”, they will naturally pull away and want less intimacy, touch and sex.
However, it’s important to realize that in the last 25 years a big part of people’s self worth is measured by their sexual prowess. So although it is natural to feel asexual for periods, there is now a big component of shame that is attached to not being super sexual.
Plus, these ebbs and flows are confusing because sex is effortless for the first two years and couples get into the habit of putting their sex on cruise control. When the bigger life events occur, spontaneous sex turns into a very difficult thing to keep on top of.

Self Magazine
Is it healthy?
Dr. Trina’s response
If dealt with properly, absolutely. Coming together and having great sex after a long sex-drought can be immensely satisfying on so many levels. It also gives couples that feeling of, “we’ve made it through that dry patch and we’re better than ever”, solidifying the relationship. Intimacy deepens.
If not dealt with properly (i.e. proactive communication), it can spell disaster. Too many couples get into bad sex habits and even worse fights; making sex and each other the enemy. Not a good formula for resurrecting sex.

Self Magazine
Should your sex life be fundamentally solid and not be too affected by life shifts, or is it a good sign that your sex life can be fluid and changing?
Dr. Trina’s response
I know couples whose sex life is solid through the good and bad times, and they are the exception.
For the rest, they need to figure out their internal sexual rhythm. Sexual rhythm is exactly what you’re speaking about—that as life goes by the couple will experience times where they will want a lot of sex and times when they will not.
When a couple knows there will be a major change, they need to be proactive about and discuss what and how their sex will look like for the next six months to a year. Once the year is up, they need to have another discussion.

Self Magazine
What’s the best way to handle these changes?
Dr. Trina’s response
Communication, communication, communication. Sitting down and honestly, openly discussing what sex is going to be like. Going into the conversation with an understanding that both partners have needs and both need to compromise to achieve a healthy balance of intimacy and sex.

Self Magazine
Should you discuss this with your partner? Why or why not?
Dr. Trina’s response
Good sex is built on the foundation of good communication. Discussion is the make it or break it to making this work.
The good news: having an ongoing dialogue over the six months to a year will quell any frustration and resentment, allow for inside jokes and create a better intimacy outside the bedroom.

Self Magazine
How can you get back on track, assuming you have gotten off the way you want?
Dr. Trina’s response
Initiating sex in a stalled relationship is probably the most challenging of all scenarios. Couples simply don’t know how or where to start. It is compounded if the couple has had fights around sex so when sex is initiated there are feelings of anxiety, guilt and resentment by both. Sex in no longer about intercourse it’s about all the negative baggage that is being carried around.

Self Magazine
Can it be an opportunity for growth and getting closer to your partner?
Dr. Trina’s response
This can really be a cross roads for the couple. They can go down the road of believing sex is a static once a week situation and end up with huge frustrations and resentments; or realize that sometimes there will be periods of no sex, periods of lots of sex and periods where they have sex once a week.

Self Magazine
Are some changes harder to persevere through than others? Why or why not?
Dr. Trina’s response
Having one or more children is probably most difficult because the couple becomes a love triangle. It really is no different from polyamory; the couple is sharing love and intimacy with a third party. It takes a lot more adjustment, compromise and communication when children come on the scene.

Self Magazine
What advice would you give to a couple who came to you, requesting help for getting their sex life back after a life change (like relocating to a different city) hindered their sex life?
Dr. Trina’s response
The core of sex and intercourse is about staying intimately connected (yes, even for men). During times of change it is imperative the couple create daily intimacy. That way, the couple doesn’t feel like they are missing out when sexual intercourse is sporadic.
Three easy 30-second things to do every day:
(1) Make sure to touch your partner in a non-sexual way every day. Touching floods your brain with oxytocin. For women the effects of touching is amplified by her estrogen.
(2) Make your partner right at least once a day. During change we tend to turn our frustrations onto our partner. It’s important that you remind yourself that you’ve made a good choice. And after a long day, it’s really nice to hear good things being said instead of pick, pick, picking at each other.
(3) Look into each other’s eyes and kiss. Quick, easy connection time that can unexpectedly light a spark of desire.

If you want to take it up a notch…
The best advice I can give is to have sex every day for seven days. Initially some couples are shocked by the thought. However, it gets couples out of a lot of their built-up sex ruts and helps them starts a new chapter in their sexual adventures.

Just before ejaculation he will feel contractions in his vas deferens, seminal vesicles, and the prostate, causing seminal fluid (ejaculate) to collect in a pool at the base of his penis. He will feel a “tickling” type sensation.

When ready to ejaculate, he will feel a “throbbing” around his urethra. Ejaculate will leave his penis at roughly the same rate of travel as a city bus, 28 miles per hour, but can reach speeds of 43 miles per hour depending how long since the last time he came. (It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye!!)

Once he has ejaculated, his scrotum and testes will return to normal their size. He will have a general feeling of relaxation and experience a refractory period (where a he is physically incapable of getting another erection). This period may be from a few minutes to much longer.

Here are some ideas that were discussed.

What are the myths when in comes to sex in your 60s?
There aer two big myths come to mind when speaking about sex after 60.
The first is that people over 70 don’t have sex. Even the thought of two eighty years old getting it on is enough to make people squirm. But many over eighties continue to have a great sex life.
The second myth has been perpetuated by the baby boomers who revolutionised the way we see sex and aging. They have made sex after 50, well, sexy. Problem becomes that many baby boomers expect that at 60, 70 or even 80 their sexual responses, sexiness and sexual prowess should be on par as when they were in their 20s and 30s.

What happens to the body physically? For men? For women?
A few things. First, as we age the body breaks down. As it breaks down, people need to take medication to make their bodies better. With that medication is the potential for negative effects on the person’s libido/ sexuality.
Second, the skin thickens as we age–that includes the genital areas. Being stimulated to orgasm becomes more difficult and the intensity of the orgasm is lessened. Many women need to bring in a vibrator to even achieve a clitoral orgasm.
From the age of 45 men’s testosterone and women’s estrogen start to decrease. This leaves men with less of a sex drive, feeling at odds with their sexuality. Women, typically, begin peri-menopause where their estrogen levels are eratic causing havoc on their enjoyment of intercourse.

How does menopause affect sex drive?
When a woman has reached menopause (she hasn’t had a menstrual period for over a year) her estrogen is all but depleted. Estrogen is what helps her to have a “juicy” vagina, faciliatating enjoyable intercourse. As well, the lining of her vaginal wall thins and her vaginal canal shortens.
Therefore, intercourse can potentially be uncomfortable to painful for the woman.
However, there are many alternatives to help her not have this discomfort. Speaking to a family physician of holistic doctor is the best first step. There is a ton of good information on how to work with this.
If nothing is done to help her situation, however, her sex drive/ desire will be affected.

What are your thoughts on Viagra?
Viagra is a good tool, in the right situation. Unfortunately, it has become a quick fix and solution to every erectile problem. That is, if all you have is a hammer then every solution will be a viagra-nail.
Being able to have an erection can be a HUGE physcological boost for a man. However, good sex is built on so much more than hydraulics. Viagra is not the be all, end all solution and should be one of many tools used to recraft a sex life.

What is your advice for keeping things interesting?
The over 60 group needs to understand that they are moving into a new phase of their sexuality. New sex rules must be learned. As with anything new, there will be change, adjustment, and negotiation. The good news? This time of life can be the most rewarding time sexually in a person’s life.
To do this, try not to focus on the few things that might not be like they used to be. Instead focus on the thousand or more things that you CAN do in the bedroom.
For example do not waste your time on this: after 60, men’s erections aren’t as rock hard as they were at 20; women might not enjoy the intercourse part of sex as much.
Instead focus on the sensual, erotic side of sex. Taking your time pleasuring each other. Tossing all inibitions out the window and bathing in the pure hedonistic aspect of your sexual pleasure. Let intercourse becomes a secondary component to your sexual interactions.
Need some inspiration? Buy Joani Blank’s amazing book called: Still Doing It: Women and Men Over 60 Write about Their Sexuality. The stories are hot, hot, hot. Makes you want to be over 60.

This was my contribution to her article.

It’s time to hang the mistletoe.
Kissing releases oxytocin—men have it too—helping couples feel closer and more intimate.

One couple I know has a “10 second” kiss rule. That is when things are getting hectic with kids, career, life, one will say, “ten second kiss”. They both drop everything and kiss each other for, well, ten seconds. It was their way of not only finding a bit of couple time in their very hectic schedule, it also shifts their perspective from, possibly being snappy with each other, to seeing each other in a loving, fun way. Simply brilliant.

When couples can consciously kiss each other every day with no sex-strings attached, it will raise each other’s oxytocin level. It’s a win/ win.

The added bonus: Women’s response to kissing is amplified due to her estrogen and are more responsive to the intimate touch.

And if we’re talking about ways to make the holiday season sweeter, we have to talk about the health benefits of eating chocolate. Yum, chocolate.
The University of California discovered cocoa has the same disease-fighting anti-oxidants found in vegetables.

Harvard researchers recently found that people who eat dark chocolate–70% or higher in cocoa–live on average one year longer. Chocolate contains psychoactive chemicals that make you feel good. Plus, chocolate may guard against lipid peroxidation that can warp and destroy the fatty membranes of brain cells and turn blood fats toxic.

Moderation is the key and, unfortunately, M & M’s aren’t included as the type of chocolate that offers health benefits.